Tuesday, July 27, 2010

if i were a mother and my blog was my child, it would be long dead.

this is a self reflection on grief and who/whatever i blame,  just a rant u prob dont need to read... not much positive, not much negitive either, mostly neutral. grey even.

what has happened? when was my last post, i dont know. what i understand in grief is that you have time then things are supposed to move. maybe my rhythms have synchronised with the rate of global warming. i have some sort grief menstrual cycle not to dissimilar to the movements and melting of antarctic glaciers. still depend on the left over chats saved on skype, msn and the pictures heavily, still (if not more increasingly) isolated and currently cant fit any of my clothes. its getting closer to the date when i get out of uni and assimilate into the workplace as well. the panic of that is enough to make me anxious, though, it doesnt take much to tip that scale. im a sensitive person.

ive tried hardening up. hardening has coincided with problems arising from gender expectations and rippled out into wider social ramifications. what i mean by this is that by being a guy i have not been encouraged by anyone to grieve out loud, there has been a curtain draped over all that has happened. its like ive missed my chance to reach out bc people think i have moved along. its well known that people around you outside of the immediate effects of grief move on in near lightning speed often not knowing grief still exists for the person left behind. back to the gender thing, statistically, for australia, men account for the majority of suicides and are notorious for not seeking mental health care. i blame gender roles, the expectation of men to maintain a solid stance and strength. irregardless of sexuality i feel like society has screwed men over in the psychological health department. you know, im a tough boy, i can deal... apparently. i live it and think what the hell is wrong with me i know better and understand that its ridiculous but still i am acting out my gender, filling a role i want to leave behind but is so integrated into the structure of my life that it has created endless mental battles back to back to undo it all.

currently i have isolated myself from the social world, from my family and friends. i go to uni and have a cloudy future. i cant say ive moved anywhere that is closer to somebody else at least. my own mind is fulfilling conversations i might have had with a social life, food supports the energy needed to function. its as though ive packed up and left for an island within my own mind most days. i still act out niceness and positivity for other people, pretty good at lying for other peoples sake.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


right off the mark im going to say, mainly, to myself, that i am not a person to need or want love lately. i know a secret about why this is so. its because i am becoming less responsive to other people, feeling that i am no longer out there for anything and anyone. i dont bother with men anymore, in fact, no human desire to love. uncovering a more asexual being without the prospect of a relationship without sex. i am in fact on the scene and i go out in my makeup and just sit alone. i dress to what i deem appropriate for a club and i go and sit. i sometimes look around but there is a television to watch so im good.

eagle hurt me in profound way, how much longer can someone suffer till their mind retrieves into itself and resides there for a very long time? the legend of michael myers worked it out just fine. forbid touch, deny pleasure, dont expect anything and go into a hollow mind and decorate it how you want it to be. chose to shower every 4th day and dont worry about the 7x a week take out because it is your body and mind and your own escape. go there as much as you want and as you need. listen to your own brand of music and dont follow those gay groups who act a certain way.

i love my fucking hair. i love my fierce makeup. i love my music. i dont love men anymore.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

an all time new low

ok. i havnt written down anything about myself for more than a month. that is because i have spiralled into self destroying depression and this is the peak of it. last night i played with makeup like i do all the time, though this time i thought why waste it? i went out to the gay bar.

i went alone. i got horribly trashed on everything and ended up leaving with strangers, drinking in the nearby park. this is not what i do. i threw a lindsay lohan and i regret it all. the reason i did it? eagle. eagle rejected me. i put myself out and felt so vulnurable and his response was lukewarm. he told me to be productive whatever that means. i took it to mean i am not going to get anywhere with him.

i am getting shades darker and am in too deep. my hair changed. all of the 2 yrs of abraham were like the length of my hair. i cried bc my hair held some memories, its silly to say, but its true. life is so overwhelming sometimes.

my hair and a vacant stare... what an emo lol

Friday, March 12, 2010

pants with only one leg is called a skirt.

i want to start this blog with this:

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight
Bang bang.
nancy sinatra, a beautiful woman. i am having an interesting time thinking about gender and where i fit. lately i have been in and out of both, in my manner, my actions and the way i speak. one second i am that boy, fighting, playing grand theft auto (to kill hoookers), weight training and more mumbles and grunts than chatty. the next thing i know im talking a storm, listening to the sugababes religiously, mincing and applying makeup to myself and my girls during a few cocktails. am i tough? am i submissive? will i let "him" win the fight, bang bang.
in my relationship with abe we know who was the submissive, me. i felt good taking care of him. there was the strange opposites attract thing but i dont like to align that with gender roles. my younger female cousin when she saw me wearing my hair in pig tails said 'that is girls hair.' i told her tht just because she is a girl doesnt give her automatic ownership of a certain way to look. i feel the same way about what role you are in a relationship. she tried to shoot me down. 
gender is to a certain extent biological but moreso defined by culture. my own reflection is that either way i am presenting myself it is the way i identify that is the most important. i identify as male but even within that i feel a bit restricted to the ownership of masclinity. again, i dont own anything just because i identify with being male. you see my conundrum? this thing is going to last years. its the relationship to other people that limits my definition of the way i am because as soon as i say male they will have their own perception and "gender rules" programmed in. it would be much better if everyone shared my mind in this way.  
being male is hard work for me, when i put a slight limp to my wrist i feel like i am exhaling.

Friday, March 5, 2010

a post needs to happen

its almost 5am and i still havnt gone to sleep. im really yearning to have a soulmate to talk to. at this time abe would deff talk to me and tie off all of the loose ends of the day.

my body clock is absolutely fucked. i dont understand it this week, i sleep at the right time on monday and wake up fine, tuesday morning is the next time i got to sleep and wed is the same. now it is thurs at 5am and i still havnt made it. i managed to nap at weird times on tues and thurs and now my body wants to euthanise itself.

my housemate and several friends are always asking me to go out and drink. other friends are being let down easy where as cathy, the housemate, is relentless in her boredom and keeps asking me. i have a very non-bored life atm what with gym and uni and all she really does besides study is slob around. i have the gym and it fulfils me and i dont need any more excitement for the night and cathy just sits at home in her room depening on my sudden urge to go out. I DONT WANT TO. i dont need to, she does bc she is bored. i get it that she wants quality time and whatever but we fucking live together, i dont need to socialise with her every nanosecond of the damn day. ill find her a boyfriend and let her loose, thank fuck for that day. COME NOW. she still says hello every day. i feel like i am being reintroduced to her every fucking day. i know her, i know her well, i dont need 'hi' all the damn time. maybe she is just so clueless and cant begin talking any other way.

uni, oh boy! im doing this communications subject which is really giving me insight on the internet and concepts such as authorship and media. fancy that, my assessments are mostly to do a blog. im doing one right now, but, this is more academic so i have to use literacy tools (eugh). besides that all of my lectures revolve around society and culture in one way or another, one with humans:environment, humans:virtual world, humans:social realm. i am a 4th year and im doing a few 2nd yr subject meaning i get a total bludge. im used to 4500 word essays and these 2nd yr subject have a max 2500 and min 2000, so easyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

gimme a man to talk to and snuggle with right now please. below is one of Abes fave photos... we were so desperate to be like this photo. he even bought me the same necklace as that guy. i dont norm wear jewelry but yeah, for him.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


----------------------------------------this blog has nothing to do with anything

i found this video and it makes me laugh till i cry no matter how many times i watch it.

oh boy, i am so excited. im having a dinner party soon for my new queers. EAGLE is one of them. im going to flirt my balls off. im going to make them apple martinis and some nachos so we can watch horror movies. i hope he and i will snuggle... but, there is one thing, he might like my housemate instead. i promised myself i wouldnt be jealous if he chose jason. the simple reason is one eagle said himself. it will be easier to live and have a relationship with a chinese man based on communication. he basically shot me down but im still really attracted to him. i know i will go through the issues of body image again soon and i am anticipating it during this paranoia abt eagle. also, he is 31, 10 yrs older than me. truth is I DONT MIND! tehehehe.

hey, im on facebook if anyone is interested. my name is andrew farrell and my picture is me with a green balaclava with a pom pom and me holding a drawn on moustache to my face. oh shit, im so dumb, its my picture here on blogspot too. ill keep tht dumbass sentence to remind myself of my dumbassery.

Monday, February 22, 2010

mardi gras fair day

i thought i would write what happened over the weekend.

well, to start off there was a 2 hour train ride from wollongong to sydney central. i met my housmate jasons friend belinda. they are both chinese international students and both so very queer. belinda is such a naughty butch, so she says. i think she will be just as good a friend as jason. i am not surprised that i have been so tollerant and patient when living with an international student even though the language barrier is so hard and it helps that i do a course that is based in cultural studies, im just a very curious person when it comes to foreign lifestyles.

it was a smoking hot day and the fair fay was in a park. the place screamed just as much queer as the mardi gras parade itself, some 3000 people of the gbltiq community attended. it felt like somewhere i was supposed to be and it just felt right. 80% of men wore very little, butch lesbians lounging about under the trees and drag queens "manning" the stalls hoping to god their foundation and concealer dont melt off with the amount of sweat being produced.

the fair itself was portioned into well designed areas. there was a corner for queer pet competitions (fair was extremely pet friendly) like the pet/owner "look-alike" competition. then there was a food area and to no surprise there was a million hotdog stalls, purposely placed so all gay men would buy and suggestively eat the dog (know what i mean?) and considering all the lesbians were stereotypically vegetarian or vegan they would eat in a diff area. I KID YOU, it was prob the most integrated area of the fair. snow cones were a must but also fucking expensive.

after one whip around we found queers from wollongong and sat and had our picnic and thank god it was under a tree. we were behind a stall of a sydney gay men football team which i so very drool at. solid, hairy thighs and footy socks are deff a weakness for me. BUT there was a familiar feeling abt tht team and i realised why, IT WAS MY RELOS TEAM, my cousin luke plays for them and surprise, surprise, he was there. its not a prob seeing as im mostly well known as being out but it still kinda ruined the horny distractedness of it all.

lets talk abt eagle. bad ass name right? hes so cute. i met him through other people in my group and have seen him maybe once before. now that i have awesome friends in the asian community im gaining access to a lot of interesting people and culture. he is another chinese international of course. flirting went on for such a long time talking abt preference in men, cultural stuff tht i was curious abt and random stuff. i invited him to everything that i like to do like gym and to my themed dinner party nights. he said he might bring his wooden chinese flute over (not a euphemism) and we can compare flutes bc i play consert flute. my mouth muscle has gotten a  bit tender so i wont be as good. he looks my age as well but it turns out he is 30, damn, jason and belinda are the same. maybe it is the west that looks old earlier. or maybe it is the grief that makes me look older. no matter what it seems that i am always ending up with people older than me, all of the men i have been with were older than me though abe was only a few months older.

time to go back to wollongong : ( the day was perfect really. too perfect and ended up making me feel what i felt in my last blog. im inviting eagle and belinda around soon for a movie night bc they are awesome and im hoping tht eagle was attracted to me. i mean, i got his number right?


tonight i dont feel strong. i feel guilty for having fun and i am trying not to punish myself so much. i cant help it. every time i have an amazing fun day i tend to feel mass guilt afterwards esp if it is to do with the gay community. i flirted and felt good, i was at the giant sydney mardi gras fair day for the first time and i swear i found the place by following the trail of glitter left behind from the gays. i even got someones number, but, i am here again with my own thoughts punishing myself with guilt. it isnt right but its happening. im so sad, and im sad for being sad when i have had the best day ive had in a year.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

grief pants

hmm, a fun topic. this is a blog i posted for facebook friends. what is the message you take?

lets start of with something quite amusing, nothing to do with the blog but lets say its the calm before the storm.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

now for the shit part... STOP GIGGLING!

what i wanted to communicate in this blog is that i am dealing with something that you are most likely not. i use the term "you" because i am not talking to any one person.

a lot of people think they have facts about me through the bits and pieces of information that are a result of grief chiselled into facebook, a trail that has impressed some kind of picture of me in your head. truth is, i have changed and thats a given however facecbook isnt a great source for solid information on the ways in which things have changed. i see facebook as a bi-product of information gathering seeing as it is definitely once, even twice, removed from physical reality. not so say it isnt good for communication, its great, but it doesnt detail some realities.

notice how my posts have decreased less in emotion though blog and stat form? well, the reason is simply that people piece these "facts" as solid pieces of information and prob only know me through it seeing as i dont actually have around 200 close friends that i talk to on a regular basis. it is a relief to come to my own realisation to stop doing it and it has deff decreased the amount of grief imposed onto my already sticky situation. kick a bum while he is down, you get the analogy. also, i think that i prefer not to talk up a storm is bc i have been conditioned to do so. it is the burden of being male or even the complex system of events in life which have dictated that it is not as freely accepted that i would be depressed or cry or heaven forbid, do it publicly. this is why there are recent campaigns for depression hotlines and mental health facilities to get men to call, participate and seek any form of assistance. men simply get the short end of the stick in expressing emotions. fucking society in general.

btw, the blog and stuff still exist and still deals with the topic of grief but i barely trust anyone with this information, and, thanks to facebook, i would prefer to discuss with people actually going through the ebb and flow of things occuring in this particular form of grief.

i hate when people are offended bc they arent the ones tht i would confide in but keep in mind, you have no idea what occurs in the grieving processes of a deceased partner. if you do, then im sure we can discuss the monthly progressions and digression in all of its eventfull/lessness. are there any "special" bereavement groups around? that would be the best thing you could communicate which doesnt breach a barrier of preeching your life philosophies when you havnt been (and overcame) this particular grief.

dont consider this blog as a passive bitch towards any one of you. if that is what you take from this blog then consider it a relatively selfish response. maybe you would like to whip up any form of drama from this? this is my space.

Monday, February 15, 2010

singles awareness/queer visibility day

can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

epic pants

i just found somthing quirky, someone has compiled a lot of internet pic thingies that all involve gay pants in one form or another (here)

well according to this blog (out of nowhere) i am writing about my title i guess. GAY PANTS you say? yes please. i dont know where to begin on this next thing i found. basically a guy pouring water on himself on a train and DONT FORGET THE GAY TRANCE MUSIC. ultimately, its all about the gay pants. its about how you wear them that makes them particularly "gay" but all in all i think its about being tight, low cut and plain fashionable as some gays tend to be. i would kill to be able to wear my pants like this muva but there would be less flash dance moments in train toilets, im sure.

Wet Jeans Train Ride from Playhard on Vimeo.


i didnt mean for this to go sexual but i suppose its what you get when your browsing for the word 'gay' and 'pants'.

the origin of pants to begin with is just a nickname given to me by my "hag" brenna. we dont say hag but it's there. pants has kinda stuck and im very happy to have that nickname. it must be the outrageous pants i wore last year in uni. red denim shorts, frayed at the ends, i think tht qualifies for epic nicknamage. so pants it is. whenever i cross paths with drunkets like myself (while we are drunk) it tends to blow their minds that my nickname is pants. i dont know why the intoxicated part of society adopt me as a best friend as soon as someone shouts pants and i respond.

below you will see a man that has out gayed my pants by a longshot. oh, adam lambert where am i to go from here if you have worn pants that looked likethey had been designed by dolce and gabana, sewn by carson cresley and had been tailored to fit you by sir elton john. it is so much gay in a pair of pants, agreed?


one last thing! oh there be more gay to be had, much more stereotype to feed the mind of queers that are happy to have a laugh but diligently remain PC. gay pants are quite extrodinary in this MADTV skit. oh i love the odd flamming man.

and for my pop loving rnb people, a beautiful korean woman BoA whos music i am falling deep in love with. she is a machine of a woman and i do hope there is another english album released.

Monday, February 8, 2010

someone elses life, but not really

if i dont actually have a life of my own i might as well live my life through other men, ones i want to be or ones who i think share the same values in life, and coincidently, remind me of myself.

Michael Novotny (hal sparks)

fictional character but one i wish i could be more like. he has a great deal of friends in the queer scene in pittsburgh and a mother that is a loud hag in the same scene working at a cafe in the district. one of the best things about him is that he attracts Ben, a college professor. their relationship is something i watch and live for only minutes at a time. michael is someone i envy so much. the only way he reminds me of myself would be his personality traits like creativity and his enduring goals for a relationship.

I DIE, JUST DIE WATCHING THIS minus the music at the end.
i ruined the plan not to write.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

F to the M L

blogger isnt tht exciting as i thought it would be.

the diary writing is lagging and im not in the mood lately. even having a bad mood should inspire a blog but it just doent make me want to anymore.

i have zero amount of life to talk abt so ill prob leave this page empty for ages. once i have life worth talking abt i might just do it. i dont even talk much to my housemate based on the fact tht there is nothing happening.

FML, seriously.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

oh life, ohhh life, buddy old pal

you come home from work and you got  bitch naggin at you to have some quality time with her! hah, thts what my housemate is acting like atm. im not her damn bf, she should go have her hissie somewhere else. bc i came home from mentoring all day, and gyming all afternoon doesnt mean im gonna come home sprightly and ready for eager chat, its not possible. i want rest and ima get it. she can be all boo boo, caus i dont care.

on a greater note, I JUST WENT BACK TO THE GYM. it begins!!! i just have to soldier on like i did last year and i will get back down to 70kg, as opposed to my current 100kg. see how dramatically different they are? well, thts what happened crying over abe for a year. imagine what else it could do to me!

even better note is i got new MAC makeup, wooooooo. happy boy i am. im a budding makeup artists you know.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

rant: the southern swastika.

ill let the images set it up first. written sloppy bc im overtired but i hope u get it!

provocative yes? i suppose it is moreso if you are an Australian, and furthermore, an "aussie". what is your first reaction when comparing these photos? there is so much history that i can talk about but i will try to make my point clear.

i have heard so many people over the last few years claim the term "aussie" as encompasing the white population of Australia. this southern cross (pictured) is a portion of our national flag and somewhat a cult symbol accompanying the term "aussie". the marketing of the sothern cross has become a brand for white Australia in particular and has become an invisible remnant of the "White Australia Policy" of the early 20th century. i say this because the southern cross is a visual justifiction of a persons belonging in australian society and it is, again, a part of the homogenous white culture. it is used as a means of justifying ultimate dedication and, through its wearers, the claim to supremacy in Australias cultural climate. in deciding who is and is not Australian, the wearer of this symbol doesnt realise it but they are taking the same mentality as with the "White Australia Policy" which was a political movement towards control over both Indigenous affairs and strict imigration laws. the southern cross is claimed initially as a sentiment of pride and patriotism but is called upon in the defense of the nation as soon as critical opinions surface, is it not our right (my right) to criticise my nation?

to mould the picture into one sentiment all you would have to do is replace "Australia" with "Germany", "southern cross" with "Swastika", "Aussies" and "White Australia Policy"  with "Nazis" and bring the context towards the mid 20th century. need i say more.

 it is a huge call to bring about comparisons but i will justify it with the knowledge that in order to not repeat history you must be very aware of your history. you must be aware of world histories, as much as possible, to have a more empathetic view of issues amongst your community and country, i believe. the age of enlightenment and industrialisation have caused so much in the way of current issues within Australias culture and we have no escape as we were founded upon the principles of the last 200 or so years. 222 years i believe it is this year!

my opinion of the southern cross is that it is used without care, abused so many times by the majority of its wearers. im a proud australian but i will never be a part of the marching tattoo bearers.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

todays short story.


today i did some mentoring orientation thing where me and my friend brenna looked after a class and ran the art studio with heaps of kids in the last yr of highschool.

i told her i dont care about talking about her ex's, i dont care about talking about love games and im bsically sick of it. i know its partly in spite for her not being around for me in the mourning and i deff think and feel that i am not her best friend anymore. a great loss i suppose, though, my general level of apathy is high and i dont care about anyone anymore. if its an average part of grief, whatever.

thank fucking god i wont be hearing a woman yap any longer about her stories of relationships, which she is mostly taking for granted. i suppose the men in it are also the same. at least i only attract the deranged, smart, stalker types *rolls eyes*

Monday, February 1, 2010

sorry note

i wrote this bc it was there and in my face all night, like writing down a dream to help me get a grip on what just happnd


i need to say sorry.

im sorry for a lot of things. i was and am still very committed to you and i need a few things off my chest. i want to say sorry for everything i did wrong. you rescued me and i didnt cherrish all the moments i had.
i knew you had post traumatic stress and i am so sorry for the times i triggered it, for all the times that i made you worried and helpless bc you were on the other side of the world, and all to my amusement. it was tht time i played a lil joke about there being smoke comming from the kitchen and i had to quickly leave. in the end you knew but during you had a lapse and went directly to serious mode. it flooded back for you and i am just so stupid i didnt get it.

im sorry for the times when i didnt feel like making love. sometimes i dont ever want anything sexual to happen and i came into the relationship knowing this and recognising tht you are highly sexual and have those needs. im sorry for the times i said no, you told me it was fine but i know deep inside that you wanted to express love physically. im sorry about not meeting the standard.

im also sorry for challenging you sometimes and making you paranoid about losing me. i just needed to feel loved and owned so i challanged you. i never ever looked at another man without looking for your qualities and even sometimes imagining it being you. i couldnt cheat if i tried but im sorry about making you paranoid, i know how serious you take some of the jokes and i should have just never left the house with any intention to challenge.

im sorry that i wasnt in that car with you at the time of the crash, i feel so much guilt for not being there and maybe you wouldnt have hurt yourself as much trying to release your mother. i would have helped. im also sorry for thinking that way, bc i know you want me to live and love me too much to bear my being hurt, in any way.

im also sorry that i havnt  fulfilled your expectations of me beyond your death. the art, i dont ever want to be a part of again. the fitness and keeping my goal for loosing weight. it is all gone because of you. you aspired for me to live a succesfull life but all i have done is not at all close to those goals. i wanted to loose weight but i gained a tonne. im sorry that i let everything we aspired to collapse bc of my instability.

im also sorry tht i couldnt nd still dont believe what you always tried to convince me of. you said i was beautiful inside and out and you werent worried about the weight and looks. im sorry i didnt believe you. you know you are my number one in life but i dont think we could have changed it all in one year. we needed that time together. we didnt get it.

im sure things will flood back, esp the things i didnt do and am sorry for. im crying myself to sleep tonight bc i regret soo much its overwhelming and numbing.

tomorrow better be good.

(afterthought) just thought happy bc of you, you drive me crazy.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

rant about blogspot gay culture.

- first off, 90% of gay profiles on blogspot are closeted. just an observation. a lot of guys dont even have their face recognised at all, but more likely, it will be their bodies on show. its kinda conserning that people would rather their body represent them before their face. its almost a luring device bc we all know gay culture is highly visual and it catches more interest while i think that the writing in blogspot should be the main consern. i do however think differently of blogs that have visuals and videos as their common format and purpose.

- a positive one for you. i love some of the stories and how they can be so similar amongst gay men, doesnt matter what context you will always find many similarities and even some forethought on subjects you havnt even approached yet in your sexual and gay cultural encounters. thats fantastic. congrats blogspot gays.

- i have some beef with the way people are carrying on in their punctuation choices (not really a gay culture on blogspot related comment). im not at all worried about the odd spelling mistake and internet shorthand writing but when people abuse punctuation, it gets me steaming. first big thing i HATE is the use of "..." after every three or four words. IS THERE SERIOUSLY THAT MUCH OF A BREAK IN EVERYTHING YOU SAY? come on boys, you dont have any impediment bc you can coherently type a response so dont make your writing look like it is comming from forrest gump. here is an exerpt:

"hey dude... so whats up with tim.... i cant believe it.... that he would go out with you but.... not even try anything... your hot! just sayin.... but really.... have a good week...."

it should be (not too anal but easier to read)

"hey dude. so, whats up with tim? i cant believe that he would go out with you but not even try anything. you're hot! just sayin. have a good week."

personally, i have started to resent gay culture on and off and thought that the concept of being gay meant that i had to be like those chiselled, beautiful men (and i still think this way bc im emotionlly screwed) and comming on blogspot gives me some kind of relief from my own condition. reading about lifestyles as confused as me is starting to pull my head into realising some people are given the same grief in life. sure i dont get much in the way of comments and back and forth discourse with my blogspot associatives (cept for dan and ryan, theyre sexy like pie) i still think i might have lurkers. lurkers meaning the ones who may come back and forth for some reading and stuff. i hope so bc i think i dont really write for just myself, i have a thing where i like to be critiqued just so i know im not going 'courtney love'. i think we all like communication and the communication is kinda vital and essential seeing as this is what blogspot is for.

i think those are the dominant thoughts in my mind. thats it for now eh? here is a silly picture.

im off mah tits!

Friday, January 29, 2010

brief encounter that i had to comment on

i think what i just did with myself was illegal HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i suppose you will have to fill out the rest.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

a blog entry just bc

the creative juices arent flowing right now, i sat down with all of my makeup and looked through the colours to see what i could do but nothing! nothing is particularly standing out me and i think it is because of my lack of colours. i sure have a lot of matte, colours for all seasons, discluding any chance of bright blocks of yellow, blue or red. the primary colours are too bright for the everyday look, that is, if you dont know how to use them. i may or may not have splurged on a lot of makeup this morning... ok, i did! i paid $150 for 11 shades from MAC cosmetics. now, if you know mac then u know it is quality so dont fret. i paid like half the price anyways seeing as the pots of shaddows themselves cost $30 each. do the maths 300 for 11 and i got it for 150!

i know it is genuine MAC jst bc i know how to spot the fakes. some fakes are really really convincing though. the key on ebay when you are buying brand names look for the power sellers and stores that have a constant flow of customers. if they do then its an obvious sign it is a trustworthy place to buy. and after that you still have to be warey of fakes esp with MAC bc it is so sought after by makeup enthusiasts.

today i also splurged and bought myself a new hair dryer and straightner. you guys saw that my hair was straight and very long in a previous blog but my hair is naturally very VERY curly

contrast and compare time!

my hair is very long and curly now but u can tell just by that piggy curl in the front tht i am a curly sue. i believe that one curl in the front now reaches past the dimple. what was it the hairdesser called my hair style now?... um, a curl bob. 

oh, what else to rant about. oh yeah, on australia day it was also very conveniently another anniversary btwn Abe and i. the 26th of every month was pretty much a day to re-declare it all. being the love birds we were. so, Australia day. it was more like a mourning day not just bc of the bf. australia day is also called survival day or invsaion day by my peoples. remember im Aboriginal! yeah. so, i had the day to think about the end of a lof of my cultural traditions that i should have inherited, the language and religion (spirituality moreso) and it is to be recognised as the day of mourning that stuff. it was kinda hard to mourn, let alone think, on a 40 degree day!!! i didnt leave the house once except in a car and i drank myself silly in the afternoon. i dont have family here and it wouldnt make a diff seeing as we dont celebrate the destruction of our peoples, fair enough aye?

so drink drink drink then i passed out woke up and wondered around the house pointlessly.

my life is so busy, what with the laying down and getting up...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


hello, yonder men who sometimes read my blogs.

i just had the most interesting and strange convo on msn with james, the ex-stalker who felt me up. i wont go through all of the fodder of the convo but he asked about having intercourse with me. my response, you have to propose. he says "i propose we have intercourse". not just that but he wants to be the recieving end of the intercoursing. this is ridiculous as you would know by reading some of my moral and ethical boundaries with sex. the number one rule is that it has to come along with monogamy, he has to be my boyfriend. to be my boyfriend he has to go out with me and has to be dedicated to me. if those parts arent there, there will be no intercoursing. he also managed to talk abt my cock and how nice it felt when we made out and felt around, that one time.

i just need him to remember that i m not going to do anything until i can enter a relationshp again. i also need him to realise that i am mourning and in my everyday life i have things that discourage me from stepping up. motivation in sex is something i am missing since abe died. i need extreme erotica to help me out. i think its one of those things you should see a doctor about. in no way is james like jay, ryan. we dont fit like the square block in the square hole like you two do. i couldnt think of a more opposite person. i just want him to make an effort and make our tidbit reltionship as ethically right as possible. its time i was sweeped off of the floor and put back together but, he just has to step up and grab the broom and dustpan.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

taking cock.

before i go on, OMG JEFFREE

Get Away With Murder


MySpace Music Videos
well, hehe. this blog is just to say that i totally bought my housemate a vibrator for her 21st bday. she turned it on and threw it at me... and i totally liked the feel of it. that being said, i am buying it tomorrow for myself. maybe we can have a party all in our own seperate bedrooms and not feel awkward abt hearing the buzzing from each room bc all the buzzing in our own room will drown out the other.

i would love a penis in my ass except it will have to be with a boyfriend. do u wana be my boyfriend???

(i totally dont think anyone here would be bc im a head-case, emotional biatch)

here is a stocky man presenting us with something tempting.

anime and moving on.

my patience for typing right now isnt ideal to make a decent blog, but i will go for it.

last night i was sobbing. the reason? an anime. i was crying bc it was something that hit close to home. there is this amazing gay series called jonjou romantica which is easily found on http://www.animefreak.tv/
the story is about several gay love naratives. one in particular was a boy who fell in love with his sisters ex husband. a highly emoitonal scene for me was the older guy when he admitted he loved a woman who died about 20 years prior. he adored her so much that his reationships for the rest of his life up until a point failed bc he was so consumed by her that no person could live up to her. basically, the dead lover ruined his future bc he loved her more than nything in the world. i felt so angry at the dead woman, i felt angry at abe for making me feel this way.

the major issue that comes up for me is when he tells us he is guilty and self loathing for forgetting her love, as though it means nothing if he moves on and gets another partner. i dont think it is fair for someone to be left in eternal love because it is basically torture. you want to be so dedicated to the dead person. the partners after that relationship arent going to fulfil you or make it easier, it remains difficult. the first love weighs you down because of your obligations and the promises you have made to him/her/whatever. you cant honour it if you forget the dead, you feel like you have abandoned it. being dedicted to someone hurts me so much. if i werent so obedient and i didnt ignore Abe's last request, something good might have happened. what if i had died, i know abe would have moved on far easier than me. he was more stable minded than i could ever be. i was always the hopelessly in love, heart on my shoulders type of person. he would prob have already had someone by now if the roles were reversed, and, i think i would choose that scenario if i could. my mind feels so exhusted from life that i truly wish i would have died instead.

i can predict something. i will be in my mid 40s before i can be with another person again and i will stop living in this fantasy relationship. no, it was real and it still is. life is just lonely, full of primal screams and torture in the meantime. i dont choose the torture, my heart and stubborn mind does. maybe its my kidney that is the only organ that doesnt want to punish me? a man needs to rescue me from it because i am too far gone. i have no concept of what it is to save myself. i tried to look but all i can visualise is translucent shaddow. the shaddow is the way i will get better but the vision looks about 15 years away from happening.

the only way i am getting happiness right now is with cooking, binge drinking, makeup and the people around me. they are all so temporary and i havnt felt as though i have been a genuine friend lately and its all 1 dimensional. im sick of being confused all the time and not feeling like the people around me are what they say they are. thats the problem i think, my genuine investment in anyone has lost all of its spark. once Abe is dead, everyone might as well be.

melodrama 101. if you think i am melodramatic, go watch a yaoi anime.

Friday, January 22, 2010

no fucking clue abt a title

my hosemates rock

we have been eating like kings lately so im anticipating when we will start to starve again! lol

tonight was jasons turn to cook some things from his home in china! he always makes meals in courses and tries to add a soup in all meals.

lately ive been watching these ultra amazing gay themed animes (new ones) and they make me so happy at least for 30 mins. however i must alwys keep in the back of my mind the lyrics from rogers and hammersteins cinderella which says "falling in love with love is falling for make believe, falling in love with love is playing the fool." i am a massive fool for falling in love with love which i do constantly. a part of the reason im not in a relationship is prob bc im hving an affair with the internet.

a random thought, i need gym motivation! i need to stop all of my shit and start hitting it. im always whigning and blasting it on the blog. how UNNECCESARY. fuck, i would be better off being slapped in the face, told to wake up and send off to burn my thunder thighs.

and ill try not to drunk blog so frequently.

that is all!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

best friends lately

tonight was interesting. i had an american themed dinner party in my house. i made buffalo wings, corn dogs and waldorf salad with all of the trimmings then had many american movies to watch like carrie, chicago and when a stranger calls.

i love this stuff but i have to take note that my best friend forgot that she has to be here. she called about 30 mins late and said shit and sorry and blah but all i am feeling is left behind. my own best friend is leaving me behind. for 3 yers we have become so close and i just feel absolutely unimportnt tonight. i made so much effort for everyone and i spent a lot of money for the people i like, and i cook the whole damn meal just to be left hanging for call. i do not feel appreciated at all. i organised my life around this and my best friend shows her appreciation by forgetting me all together. she did not even consider that i just went through an anniversary. i know i tried to keep it silent but she should know my character and how it has drastically changed over night

how could i not be depressed.

the only friends i can say will be there are the ones who are stuck with me in this house. my friend cathy always talks about me having friends and her jealousy and stuff but i cant help but wonder why, when i have been so neglected all the time. even my friend ray has no use for me anymore because i think he has moved on to better things, he told me how he is bi and we have had so many talks but he doesnt talk to me anymore. i feel very hurt. its like i was used for the fact that i am a safe person to tell these things to, as if i am the only outlet for some people to use and cut the connection as freely as they want to.

i dont have a choice because these are the only people i have. what am i doing wrong?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

the positivity blog

the dodo of all blogs is here. i know its condescending (read egotistical) but c'mon, baby steps.

i am an amazing catch. i may not have the worldy experience of a jezebel but i am a moral booty of relationship treasures.

why wouldnt someone want me? james does, i can tell. problem is, i dont fit in with him in any way.

i thought a thought this morning (duh), i said to myself "someone is going to benefit off of the fact that i have saved myself for them one day, saving all of my love and dedication for just one person. my man should be the happiest person and not take me for granted."

maybe there is a reason i get a lot of rejection? maybe its because these men arent any sort of quality, tainted by the constructed (and invisible) gay image of culture. gay... i would rather consider myself a queer.

i am happy looking as feminine as possible, it brings me closer to my female friends and what they do on a reg basis.

my blogs are not particularly about the everyday events but a subjective opinion on the everyday life and the events that matter the most to me. all that is in the past is all that i know and as far as men go Abraham is my only past and therefore the center of my world still. moving on doesnt matter if it is a lower quality of life, i will only care to move on if i have an equally matched quality of life as i had with him. im stubborn, guys. i certainly deserve an equally matched life that levels out with the microclimate that abe and i had built. therefore, i am not moving.

about my sexual urges

(reflection) i am a grumpy, grumpy person hahahahahaha

seems like it doesnt exist. is it just me or is everybody around me really sexual. tonight i was asked about my sexual history and i told her, my new housemate, whats up. one, i was too young to have sex therefore it doesnt count; and two, i will not have sex again unless it is within monogamy. im so jealous of people who get into it straight away and only (mostly) use it as a means of pleasure. maybe im just saying this out of jealousy that a lot of people are getting it and im nowhere near it. envious like a fat girl with supermodel friends. though, i like to consider sex as my area to give someone else (tht i love) pleasure. it is like cooking to me, i give love through a very amazing meal. last night i made a roast of seasoned chicken, sweet potato puree with roasted garlic, balsamic beans and roasted onion, a cauliflower and carrot bake with cheese sauce and gravy made from scratch with the chicken juices. THIS IS HOW I LOVE. making love in the sexual way is more of a weight bearing thing to me, there is so much more involved and although sweet and satisfying, isnt always as easy as a good recipe i can just whiz up in my mind. by the way, i didnt have a recipe for any of what i mentioned, i go by my own instincts/knowledge.

i dont know how to get into someones pants, ironically. im not as the nickname suggests. it isnt about someone elses pants its about my pants and how its going to take a fucking long romantic life narrative to set up this rare sex scene moment. everyday i think of sex like a normal bloke, i like to jack off to porn, again, blokey. i just cant seem to manage to have a love life. i dont have it in me to hunt because i always feel that it is me who has to initiate anything because heaven forbid if anyone decided i were their prey. they suck (and not the good type of suck (who am i kidding, i dont like recieving blow jobs)). they all want to be served and bought drinks. not one has made an effort even saying hi. snobby cunts, im ashamed to align myself with them most of the time. plus, i dont consider it my job to stumble into a clique and desperately gain their stupid friendship. they should be nice enough to know someone feels left out and include them. its what i do when im with my friends.

I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX. I WILL ONLY MAKE LOVE. i do not intend on flirting or having one night stands. if guys out there hate that, then they can get royally fucked by... their hand?

angry rant over (more like sexually frustrated rant)
where and what point was i getting to? make it up guys.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

mixed bag of no surprises

first off, drunk posts eh? this isnt drunk, tho, i do pride myself for putting something mildly coherent together esp while im quite drunk.

its saturday and its just about the anniversary. it really sux that my soulmate died in general let alone it being on my sisters bday. i wont be seeing my sister at all but i might buy her something usefull.

i am confused as to how i am feeling and i always am. i think that this past year has been nothing but confusion for me, dissoriented in all aspects of life. i lost friends, i made enemies out of family and i reached an all time low in depression so much so that i managed to gain 25 kilos in a blink. i have cried more times in the past year than i ever have in my life. i dont know what is going on today but i sure have cried. i dont want to leave the house because i dont see myself fit to do so and i dont think anyone is really noticing my strange sleeping patterns which are acting like normal (which isnt normal at all).

i dont feel angry and i dont feel overwhelming grief, atm. this is a weird state to be in.

a friend of mine came over and bought fresh wholmeal scones and home made jam. we played makeup and talked about life. on boxing day she was close to death having flipped her car on the highway near her home town, tathra. we both concluded that 2009 was the worst year in existance. she also lost her dad to cancer last year so its been very difficult for both of us, and even more difficult for us to connect seeing as we are always so far away frm each other.

ive always wondered if Abe will just pop up somewhere, and he semi did. i finally had a dream abt him. finally. it was nothing special and i only felt as though i was observing him. even in the dreams i am distant.

i might play with makeup again today and build on my trans persona. i dont know why all of a sudden i want to be as feminine as possible, maybe ive reached the point where i realise that my male form will not attract anyone. i think that if i were more feminine maybe i will be attractive to someone. i look like a girl in some of my photos but i have to get rid of the damn five o'clock shaddow. im always doing something for someone who doesnt exist.

here are photos

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


here i am, drunk as fuck off of sake (rice spirits) barely able to type but concentrating bc this is important. this sunday is the anniversary of Abe's death. i cant tell you how much i want my body to be numb on that day, starting now. i cant handle this. if i get drunk i know that it will distract me from doing other things eg. hurting myself. im more likely to not hurt myself bc i will be too drunk to coordinate my brain function to the action function, therefore not hurting myself.

this safeguard is the only thing that will get me though this, no amount of friend or family intervention will keep me distracted. i need to be physically numb to the world.

one thing i havnt talked about is the fact that i am currently going through a giant spell of eating gaining 25 kilo's since the crash in january this week last year. i am slowly eating myself back to a fat slob so that no one will be attracted to me and i wont have to hurt no more. sure i will hurt because i have no one to love but it is better that only one person be hurt (me) than ruining another persons life. i eat and eat and i now cant fit into 90 percent of my clothes. i am sickening the way i look, i hate it, so i know men will hate it to. i am well aware of the fact that i am eating myself into permenant singledom bc no one likes a fat guy. no one.

Monday, January 11, 2010

lion king inspired eyes

well this took a fuckload of time so im going to wear this for as long as i can!

i used a new skill in this one, contouring, which is the line of darkness on either side of the nose that narrows out my nose and emphisises the look of a lion!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i remnant i re-read

word for word this is Abraham's writing... his mini blog (true rarity). dont have a clue who he is talking abt though :S

 : )

It's been five months... five wonderful months. With rare exception, we talk each morning and each night ... on an average 5 hours per day (wow!). We have learned so much about each other, likes and dislikes, strengths and challenges, moods, feelings, needs, etc.

And still we are together. Still the rleationship grows. You literally know more about me than anyone else in this world. And still, you stay by my side. We share a special connection. We are friends, lovers, and soul mates....

I sit at my computer and pull up a variety of pictures I have of you. Casual ones, and intimate ones. As I do, I find myself starring at your features. You are so handsome, and your look, so versatile. I find myself doing an inventory of your body, from head to toe and its such a pleasure.

Your hair with its long dark curls makes me to want to run my fingers through it. Your eyes, the window to your soul, hazel green and so expressive. I can never forget those eyes, they speak volumes. Your lips, mmm, I so want to join mine to them and kiss you so deep, so long. Your cheeks, so smooth and beautiful.

Your broad strong shoulders are so senuous in a particular picture you gave me. The hair on your body captivates me, as I'm a sucker for dark hair. I won't embarass you here with commentary about your more intimate features but you know how I feel about them. You are such a handsome sexy man and I so want to make passionate love to you. My eyes routinely undress you and my imagination allows me to fully explore your body and press my body close to yours. I want to be on you, under you, and in you.

Andee, you are a G-d send to me. I love you so. Your beauty, both internal and external takes my breath away. You are bright, creative, sensitive, loving, fun to be with, exciting, challenging, and omg you claim me as your man.

I am most fortunate. There are not enough, or sufficient, words to proclaim what I feel for you, and from you.

I want to please you in every way. I want to protect you from any and all harm, My friend, my lover, my soul mate. I want us to walk lifes paths hand in hand. Together we can beat all odds. It's me and you babe. against the world.

Avrahm loves Andrew now, and forever...

a pic from the days he didnt smile in photos... oh dear.

{you know, its the only time i ever believed in having good attributes. love is so convincing an elixir.}

damzelling in destress

at the moment i feel out of this world, like a weird form of drug. im stressed, anxious and my eyes are throbbing to look at the glare of the day. my body clock is now making me sleep through the day and stay awake all night, my heart is feeling it and typing this is a bit of an eyesore.

i made a big mistake yesterday and i dont think i was fully aware of what i was doing. it may have been a form of day sleep walking, i dont know, but i woke up later that night to find that i have signed a contract with a new energy company without any one of my housemates consent. i thought the whole situation was a dream. i got up and went downstairs with this feeling kinda like if my guts have dropped inside. the guy was at the door trying to sell something. i remember sitting down and taking a call and repeating so many numbers just trying to get him to go away. the need for him to leave was so strong. i soon went back to bed. later that night at 9pm (the incident happened around 3pm) i felt strange, as one does sleeping from 12pm and through the day. i saw the paper on the table with the contract. immediately i felt so dissapointed in myself just for the fact that i didnt and wasnt aware enough to talk to housemates and i started to stress big time. this is possibly the most wierd thing i have done during sleep. if you go to my "paranormal coincidence" blog, you will understand. ive done some whack things while asleep.

where does this leave me now? one word, distressed. helplessness is something im falling into as a pattern of habbit. am i always so vulnurable now and is the vulnurability heightened by the fact that my mind is dealing with this anniversary. i was holding out for the hero, i got that hero but now he is no more. how can i possibly run a kingdom without my protector. metaphor metaphor metaphor


ive discovered a few beautiful anime tv series that is nothing but gay themed. only two shows though but if im lucky someone will see this and know a few. i dont ant hentai or any of the really sexual stuff, i like th basic romantic comedy/tragedy situation.

ive finished watching Sukisho, a very cool story of love in between tragedies. funnily enough i didnt realise they were all male characters until i read it bc some of them look like women. anime gender is so blurred. there are lots of reasons to love this one... ill let you look instead of telling.

the one i finished tonight was called gravitation hich was so fantstiche. a rising pop star in japan falling for a famous, but bitter, author with a deep and dark past. i love the two characters and how they seem to be so opposite and attract t the same time. they actually dont start off as gy but just fall into each others love. its special.

ill link it and maybe you guys want to look, they are such enlightening series for all you die hard romantics.

sukisho: http://www.animeseason.com/sukisho/

i would have to say i loved gravitation slightly more but i really loved all the sexual frustration of sukisho.


i dont know how to start so ill just say that this is something i need to write down. i cant burden my family or friends with what i am feeling right now just because i dont think it would benefit me, it will prob hurt me like some of my honesty has done in the past. i just need my thoughts communicated and set in cement and i consider this my therapy session, my peacefull grotto. i dont want to feel this way any longer.

purpose is distorted.

what is playing in my mind is suicide (this is NOT a goodbye note). its a coincidence that i think it around this time of year, the anniversary of Abes death. i cant and prob wont ever do it but the thoughts are comming and going in strong blows to the mind. i cant help think that i truly want to be with him. i cant handle the fact that i will not move so easily in grief to a better place and i feel like my time is up. maybe suidide is a harsh word or even the wrong way to describe what im feeling. i feel like im comming to the end and i have no future in sight, no major plans that will endure a lifetime. i think i will die soon due to fate. that isnt classed as suicide right? it is when i get chills and have moments of intense emotional stuggles that i feel death comming. beyond this is the fact that my self worth amounts to nothing. i feel as though a am nothing, that i need not be here, that i need not exist. i am at peace if fate decides against me.

this is all about Abe. i did not know how hard loving someone is, esp beyond death. it is so difficult to be passionate again with any other. it doesnt get better for me. i have tried, i hve tried.

send me a god damn motherfucking miracle.

i want to eat better, i want to look better and i want to feel better. i just want to live because i dont feel like i am living.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

makeup results

huzzah, ive been working on some looks ltely and decided it was about time to take pictures of some and share.

the first is my attempt to recrete and improve my friend jayne's "goth alice" look. here it is.

good yeah? i had to put a foundation lighter than my skin to have that porcelain/deathly look which had a medium powder on top.

for the eyes i started  to prime the lids and around the eyes with a black eye liner penciling a circle and filling in the gaps, then smudging and bending. for the lid i used a black shaddow and a small it under the eye and around the primed area. i then used a blending brush to put on a kind of dark red/brown eyeshadow on the contour of the black bending inwards. i then used a red eye blush powder to blend out the edges and making sure the lines had a glow about them. that was finished with a angled flat brush to make "beams" of white shaddow.

the lips were easy. i just covered the lip with a base of transparent gloss and skin tone blush. then i used a pencil liner to shape the lips and filled it out with the black eye shaddow i used on the eyes.

the second look was just quick and rough, here it is.

ok, simple one again, i started from the eyebrow working myself down to the lid using a white shaddow with a slight golden hue as the brow highlight then a deeper gold for the lower brow line and crease. the lid is a bronze colour. i then used a small applicator to put blue long the eye line starting from the middle of the eye going out into a line which i then blended out with a small blending brush. i modified it (side pics) by putting a dab of light silvery green and then another small dab of bluein the corner of the eyes just for an embelishment.

im loving it.

Friday, January 8, 2010


hey boys.

i need to catch up on a lot of reading with peoples blogs... mostly the people tht follow me. i think ive neglected it for a fair while and i know its a sign of manners to return the reading favour. i decided that if i wanted comments and followers i will make comments and follow first, hopefully. and no this is not a new years resolution, i gave those up back when i was a silly teen.

speaking of new years, what happened?! i know thats broad but couldnt hurt to ask. i had a flu! i couldnt party anywhere, i just ended up in my bed in wollongong playing with makeup and listening to all the rukus. being alone on new years eve is only for the brave hearted because it is quite hard going it alone. i think i am that brave hearted person bc i can manage to go without seeing family for months at a time and currently my best friend is in london so i should be having jayne withdrawls, but i dont tend to suffer seperation anxiety... well unless its about a big man i love and cant wait to see again.

follow on for the year ahead. its going to be a weird one.

sexy man happy new years Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, January 7, 2010

xmas day and rant.

This is just a diary update on what happened during xmas. I don’t have the internet so I guess this is just one of the rants that will eventually get online. The fact tht I am not online is so annoying and am resorting to Microsoft word to get my thoughts out.

A side note: I think my internet provider is just in a shack in the middle of a field in Turkey. The net situ is that horrific. I even had to resort to going to one of those 24/7 computer places where all the gamers go… all I can say is yuck.

2nd side note:{At the moment I am reflecting happily on some of my memories of Abe. I realize that he gave me something to aspire to, something to look forward to. I owe him my life because he allowed me to share every aspect of my being so I could stop being so secretive and a tad introverted about confiding in people. He helped bc I always feel reserved talking to anyone, even my best friends, but somehow he freed me from it. It felt exhilarating and it made life a lot more bearable for me. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel and one day I will be able to articulate it, im sure. What I do know is that for 10 months I felt alive and before then I was just hanging on, surviving instead of living.}

My family xmas’ are always varied. Sometime sit is full of events and is busy and other times it seems so empty and lacking. I mean that it lacks as in the atmosphere is empty and its usually because several people aren’t around. My sister didn’t come home for xmas and she as in a different state. That really made my efforts to travel home a little less happy. Its just me and my mum and tori. Xmas day is more than us three, it is the other 7 that live in the house. My aunt tresia and her family and my pop john, and on top of that is the rest of the family that visit throughout the day. It’s a lot of people and I cooked 75% of their food. It is kinda expected seeing as I am an amazing cook, im very modest.

What I see whenever I go home is the state of the house. My family is living in a semi-poor state. We don’t have a lot of money and have always lived compiled in a house with several families using the same small bathroom and inadequate living space. we have never had money and I don’t consider myself as a very poor person because I am rich in some things, one being family and the other being the beach which is only 200 meters away. Im in university studying my and other Aboriginal cultures in Australia and I am seeing this as my ticket away from poverty and the cycle of failure seen so often in my community. I want to be able to give mum a new place to live and get her started so that she can break away from it someday. It’s a lot of weight on me but that’s another story. Im sure ur over the poor part.

So, xmas! It wasn’t that awesome this year. I cooked everything and let others handle the deserts. Thank god I cooked really because I am the only one who takes cooking meat serious. Ive mentioned the raw meat incident with pop before. I cooked two legs of lamb (marinated and stuffed with garlic and rosemary), three chickens (stuffed and self basting via a herb butter I stuffed under the skins. it had rosemary, thyme and oregano, all fresh), a pork leg roast and a turkey. That’s a fuckload of meat but its not just the meat that I needed to do. All roast veg like potatoes and beans were relatively easy. It was all about how I managed time I suppose. I got all of this ready for serving by 1pm and during and after I drank several bottles of wine, alcopops and some very cheap wine. I drank myself silly and passed out at 7pm. I think I needed it. I was so sad drinking by myself. There were so many people around but no one to have merry drunk time with. My sister was gone, my cousin and drinking partner in crime Ashleigh is pregnant and I felt like I was celebrating alone. I suppose the alcohol was my present to myself.

Speaking of presents what did I get?! nothing much, I got cash from mum and put it right to the credit card. A beach towel from pop, a blender from my housemate and a watercolour from my bff brenna, and its of me! As if I needed to look at myself any more than I already do. God im beautiful. But that is all. Nothing spectacular and I never expect it to be. I stopped getting presents at 15 and am getting things of necessity as opposed as luxury and amusement. I sure would like some luxury for once but you cant really get it with my family.

Suppose that’s all I got for now, oh and I bought myself presents. I bought a makeup kit and a pizza stone for the oven. BOTH MY KINDA GIFTS! Of course, its not like ill buy myself something that would disappoint myself, that’s redonkulous. I love my blender cause it makes smoothies.