your basic run-of-the-mill diary, its here, its queer, would you like a cookie?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
about my sexual urges
(reflection) i am a grumpy, grumpy person hahahahahaha
seems like it doesnt exist. is it just me or is everybody around me really sexual. tonight i was asked about my sexual history and i told her, my new housemate, whats up. one, i was too young to have sex therefore it doesnt count; and two, i will not have sex again unless it is within monogamy. im so jealous of people who get into it straight away and only (mostly) use it as a means of pleasure. maybe im just saying this out of jealousy that a lot of people are getting it and im nowhere near it. envious like a fat girl with supermodel friends. though, i like to consider sex as my area to give someone else (tht i love) pleasure. it is like cooking to me, i give love through a very amazing meal. last night i made a roast of seasoned chicken, sweet potato puree with roasted garlic, balsamic beans and roasted onion, a cauliflower and carrot bake with cheese sauce and gravy made from scratch with the chicken juices. THIS IS HOW I LOVE. making love in the sexual way is more of a weight bearing thing to me, there is so much more involved and although sweet and satisfying, isnt always as easy as a good recipe i can just whiz up in my mind. by the way, i didnt have a recipe for any of what i mentioned, i go by my own instincts/knowledge.
i dont know how to get into someones pants, ironically. im not as the nickname suggests. it isnt about someone elses pants its about my pants and how its going to take a fucking long romantic life narrative to set up this rare sex scene moment. everyday i think of sex like a normal bloke, i like to jack off to porn, again, blokey. i just cant seem to manage to have a love life. i dont have it in me to hunt because i always feel that it is me who has to initiate anything because heaven forbid if anyone decided i were their prey. they suck (and not the good type of suck (who am i kidding, i dont like recieving blow jobs)). they all want to be served and bought drinks. not one has made an effort even saying hi. snobby cunts, im ashamed to align myself with them most of the time. plus, i dont consider it my job to stumble into a clique and desperately gain their stupid friendship. they should be nice enough to know someone feels left out and include them. its what i do when im with my friends.
I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX. I WILL ONLY MAKE LOVE. i do not intend on flirting or having one night stands. if guys out there hate that, then they can get royally fucked by... their hand?
angry rant over (more like sexually frustrated rant)
where and what point was i getting to? make it up guys.