Wednesday, January 13, 2010


here i am, drunk as fuck off of sake (rice spirits) barely able to type but concentrating bc this is important. this sunday is the anniversary of Abe's death. i cant tell you how much i want my body to be numb on that day, starting now. i cant handle this. if i get drunk i know that it will distract me from doing other things eg. hurting myself. im more likely to not hurt myself bc i will be too drunk to coordinate my brain function to the action function, therefore not hurting myself.

this safeguard is the only thing that will get me though this, no amount of friend or family intervention will keep me distracted. i need to be physically numb to the world.

one thing i havnt talked about is the fact that i am currently going through a giant spell of eating gaining 25 kilo's since the crash in january this week last year. i am slowly eating myself back to a fat slob so that no one will be attracted to me and i wont have to hurt no more. sure i will hurt because i have no one to love but it is better that only one person be hurt (me) than ruining another persons life. i eat and eat and i now cant fit into 90 percent of my clothes. i am sickening the way i look, i hate it, so i know men will hate it to. i am well aware of the fact that i am eating myself into permenant singledom bc no one likes a fat guy. no one.


  1. Sometimes the only way is to numb out the pain.

    Whose life have you ruined? Fate took Abe away, not you. Honour his memory by not letting that accident claim two victims. Don't let him down.

    Take care, mate.

  2. Hey Pants,

    Be gentle on yourself. Grief takes it's toll on each of us in different ways. I feel numb all the time. Like you say, it provides us with layer of safety.

    Think of some way to honor Abe on Sunday. It will be painful, yes, but make sure you also do something that reminds him, and you, of the love that was shared.

    As for the weight, one thing at a time. Get through these next few days, then begin to think about what you want for yourself.