xmas day and rant.

This is just a diary update on what happened during xmas. I don’t have the internet so I guess this is just one of the rants that will eventually get online. The fact tht I am not online is so annoying and am resorting to Microsoft word to get my thoughts out.

A side note: I think my internet provider is just in a shack in the middle of a field in Turkey. The net situ is that horrific. I even had to resort to going to one of those 24/7 computer places where all the gamers go… all I can say is yuck.

2nd side note:{At the moment I am reflecting happily on some of my memories of Abe. I realize that he gave me something to aspire to, something to look forward to. I owe him my life because he allowed me to share every aspect of my being so I could stop being so secretive and a tad introverted about confiding in people. He helped bc I always feel reserved talking to anyone, even my best friends, but somehow he freed me from it. It felt exhilarating and it made life a lot more bearable for me. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel and one day I will be able to articulate it, im sure. What I do know is that for 10 months I felt alive and before then I was just hanging on, surviving instead of living.}

My family xmas’ are always varied. Sometime sit is full of events and is busy and other times it seems so empty and lacking. I mean that it lacks as in the atmosphere is empty and its usually because several people aren’t around. My sister didn’t come home for xmas and she as in a different state. That really made my efforts to travel home a little less happy. Its just me and my mum and tori. Xmas day is more than us three, it is the other 7 that live in the house. My aunt tresia and her family and my pop john, and on top of that is the rest of the family that visit throughout the day. It’s a lot of people and I cooked 75% of their food. It is kinda expected seeing as I am an amazing cook, im very modest.

What I see whenever I go home is the state of the house. My family is living in a semi-poor state. We don’t have a lot of money and have always lived compiled in a house with several families using the same small bathroom and inadequate living space. we have never had money and I don’t consider myself as a very poor person because I am rich in some things, one being family and the other being the beach which is only 200 meters away. Im in university studying my and other Aboriginal cultures in Australia and I am seeing this as my ticket away from poverty and the cycle of failure seen so often in my community. I want to be able to give mum a new place to live and get her started so that she can break away from it someday. It’s a lot of weight on me but that’s another story. Im sure ur over the poor part.

So, xmas! It wasn’t that awesome this year. I cooked everything and let others handle the deserts. Thank god I cooked really because I am the only one who takes cooking meat serious. Ive mentioned the raw meat incident with pop before. I cooked two legs of lamb (marinated and stuffed with garlic and rosemary), three chickens (stuffed and self basting via a herb butter I stuffed under the skins. it had rosemary, thyme and oregano, all fresh), a pork leg roast and a turkey. That’s a fuckload of meat but its not just the meat that I needed to do. All roast veg like potatoes and beans were relatively easy. It was all about how I managed time I suppose. I got all of this ready for serving by 1pm and during and after I drank several bottles of wine, alcopops and some very cheap wine. I drank myself silly and passed out at 7pm. I think I needed it. I was so sad drinking by myself. There were so many people around but no one to have merry drunk time with. My sister was gone, my cousin and drinking partner in crime Ashleigh is pregnant and I felt like I was celebrating alone. I suppose the alcohol was my present to myself.

Speaking of presents what did I get?! nothing much, I got cash from mum and put it right to the credit card. A beach towel from pop, a blender from my housemate and a watercolour from my bff brenna, and its of me! As if I needed to look at myself any more than I already do. God im beautiful. But that is all. Nothing spectacular and I never expect it to be. I stopped getting presents at 15 and am getting things of necessity as opposed as luxury and amusement. I sure would like some luxury for once but you cant really get it with my family.

Suppose that’s all I got for now, oh and I bought myself presents. I bought a makeup kit and a pizza stone for the oven. BOTH MY KINDA GIFTS! Of course, its not like ill buy myself something that would disappoint myself, that’s redonkulous. I love my blender cause it makes smoothies.