Sunday, January 10, 2010


i dont know how to start so ill just say that this is something i need to write down. i cant burden my family or friends with what i am feeling right now just because i dont think it would benefit me, it will prob hurt me like some of my honesty has done in the past. i just need my thoughts communicated and set in cement and i consider this my therapy session, my peacefull grotto. i dont want to feel this way any longer.

purpose is distorted.

what is playing in my mind is suicide (this is NOT a goodbye note). its a coincidence that i think it around this time of year, the anniversary of Abes death. i cant and prob wont ever do it but the thoughts are comming and going in strong blows to the mind. i cant help think that i truly want to be with him. i cant handle the fact that i will not move so easily in grief to a better place and i feel like my time is up. maybe suidide is a harsh word or even the wrong way to describe what im feeling. i feel like im comming to the end and i have no future in sight, no major plans that will endure a lifetime. i think i will die soon due to fate. that isnt classed as suicide right? it is when i get chills and have moments of intense emotional stuggles that i feel death comming. beyond this is the fact that my self worth amounts to nothing. i feel as though a am nothing, that i need not be here, that i need not exist. i am at peace if fate decides against me.

this is all about Abe. i did not know how hard loving someone is, esp beyond death. it is so difficult to be passionate again with any other. it doesnt get better for me. i have tried, i hve tried.

send me a god damn motherfucking miracle.

i want to eat better, i want to look better and i want to feel better. i just want to live because i dont feel like i am living.

1 comment:

  1. Pants, You are not alone in these feelings. Keep in mind that the intensity of grief goes up and down. You are in a down period, espcially after the holidays, and the anniversary of his death. I have shared with friends, that I too have wished for death to come during these past few months. My grief for Michael can get so painful, that death seems the only relief. I may feel like that all night, but then the morning comes, and I realize that I got through it.

    It takes guts to get through this, and you are doing it. Hang in there.