Monday, February 1, 2010

sorry note

i wrote this bc it was there and in my face all night, like writing down a dream to help me get a grip on what just happnd


i need to say sorry.

im sorry for a lot of things. i was and am still very committed to you and i need a few things off my chest. i want to say sorry for everything i did wrong. you rescued me and i didnt cherrish all the moments i had.
i knew you had post traumatic stress and i am so sorry for the times i triggered it, for all the times that i made you worried and helpless bc you were on the other side of the world, and all to my amusement. it was tht time i played a lil joke about there being smoke comming from the kitchen and i had to quickly leave. in the end you knew but during you had a lapse and went directly to serious mode. it flooded back for you and i am just so stupid i didnt get it.

im sorry for the times when i didnt feel like making love. sometimes i dont ever want anything sexual to happen and i came into the relationship knowing this and recognising tht you are highly sexual and have those needs. im sorry for the times i said no, you told me it was fine but i know deep inside that you wanted to express love physically. im sorry about not meeting the standard.

im also sorry for challenging you sometimes and making you paranoid about losing me. i just needed to feel loved and owned so i challanged you. i never ever looked at another man without looking for your qualities and even sometimes imagining it being you. i couldnt cheat if i tried but im sorry about making you paranoid, i know how serious you take some of the jokes and i should have just never left the house with any intention to challenge.

im sorry that i wasnt in that car with you at the time of the crash, i feel so much guilt for not being there and maybe you wouldnt have hurt yourself as much trying to release your mother. i would have helped. im also sorry for thinking that way, bc i know you want me to live and love me too much to bear my being hurt, in any way.

im also sorry that i havnt  fulfilled your expectations of me beyond your death. the art, i dont ever want to be a part of again. the fitness and keeping my goal for loosing weight. it is all gone because of you. you aspired for me to live a succesfull life but all i have done is not at all close to those goals. i wanted to loose weight but i gained a tonne. im sorry that i let everything we aspired to collapse bc of my instability.

im also sorry tht i couldnt nd still dont believe what you always tried to convince me of. you said i was beautiful inside and out and you werent worried about the weight and looks. im sorry i didnt believe you. you know you are my number one in life but i dont think we could have changed it all in one year. we needed that time together. we didnt get it.

im sure things will flood back, esp the things i didnt do and am sorry for. im crying myself to sleep tonight bc i regret soo much its overwhelming and numbing.

tomorrow better be good.

(afterthought) just thought happy bc of you, you drive me crazy.

1 comment:

  1. You know Pants, we all have a habit of wanting to look back and feel that we could have done this or that better. This is especially true when the other person dies. In retrospect we realize that had we known, we would have used our time better, or treated the other person better. In reality, you were in a real relationship, and in a real relationship there are flaws. You were flawed, and he was flawed. Its the working things out that makes the relationship strong and interesting.

    As for any promises you might have made, only you know what you are capable of accomplishing right now. Perhaps the guilt is self-imposed. If so, look at what you would like to change, and do it one thing at a time.

    Be patient with yourself.