my patience for typing right now isnt ideal to make a decent blog, but i will go for it.
last night i was sobbing. the reason? an anime. i was crying bc it was something that hit close to home. there is this amazing gay series called jonjou romantica which is easily found on http://www.animefreak.tv/
the story is about several gay love naratives. one in particular was a boy who fell in love with his sisters ex husband. a highly emoitonal scene for me was the older guy when he admitted he loved a woman who died about 20 years prior. he adored her so much that his reationships for the rest of his life up until a point failed bc he was so consumed by her that no person could live up to her. basically, the dead lover ruined his future bc he loved her more than nything in the world. i felt so angry at the dead woman, i felt angry at abe for making me feel this way.
the major issue that comes up for me is when he tells us he is guilty and self loathing for forgetting her love, as though it means nothing if he moves on and gets another partner. i dont think it is fair for someone to be left in eternal love because it is basically torture. you want to be so dedicated to the dead person. the partners after that relationship arent going to fulfil you or make it easier, it remains difficult. the first love weighs you down because of your obligations and the promises you have made to him/her/whatever. you cant honour it if you forget the dead, you feel like you have abandoned it. being dedicted to someone hurts me so much. if i werent so obedient and i didnt ignore Abe's last request, something good might have happened. what if i had died, i know abe would have moved on far easier than me. he was more stable minded than i could ever be. i was always the hopelessly in love, heart on my shoulders type of person. he would prob have already had someone by now if the roles were reversed, and, i think i would choose that scenario if i could. my mind feels so exhusted from life that i truly wish i would have died instead.
i can predict something. i will be in my mid 40s before i can be with another person again and i will stop living in this fantasy relationship. no, it was real and it still is. life is just lonely, full of primal screams and torture in the meantime. i dont choose the torture, my heart and stubborn mind does. maybe its my kidney that is the only organ that doesnt want to punish me? a man needs to rescue me from it because i am too far gone. i have no concept of what it is to save myself. i tried to look but all i can visualise is translucent shaddow. the shaddow is the way i will get better but the vision looks about 15 years away from happening.
the only way i am getting happiness right now is with cooking, binge drinking, makeup and the people around me. they are all so temporary and i havnt felt as though i have been a genuine friend lately and its all 1 dimensional. im sick of being confused all the time and not feeling like the people around me are what they say they are. thats the problem i think, my genuine investment in anyone has lost all of its spark. once Abe is dead, everyone might as well be.
melodrama 101. if you think i am melodramatic, go watch a yaoi anime.