tonight was interesting. i had an american themed dinner party in my house. i made buffalo wings, corn dogs and waldorf salad with all of the trimmings then had many american movies to watch like carrie, chicago and when a stranger calls.
i love this stuff but i have to take note that my best friend forgot that she has to be here. she called about 30 mins late and said shit and sorry and blah but all i am feeling is left behind. my own best friend is leaving me behind. for 3 yers we have become so close and i just feel absolutely unimportnt tonight. i made so much effort for everyone and i spent a lot of money for the people i like, and i cook the whole damn meal just to be left hanging for call. i do not feel appreciated at all. i organised my life around this and my best friend shows her appreciation by forgetting me all together. she did not even consider that i just went through an anniversary. i know i tried to keep it silent but she should know my character and how it has drastically changed over night
how could i not be depressed.
the only friends i can say will be there are the ones who are stuck with me in this house. my friend cathy always talks about me having friends and her jealousy and stuff but i cant help but wonder why, when i have been so neglected all the time. even my friend ray has no use for me anymore because i think he has moved on to better things, he told me how he is bi and we have had so many talks but he doesnt talk to me anymore. i feel very hurt. its like i was used for the fact that i am a safe person to tell these things to, as if i am the only outlet for some people to use and cut the connection as freely as they want to.
i dont have a choice because these are the only people i have. what am i doing wrong?