Friday, March 12, 2010

pants with only one leg is called a skirt.

i want to start this blog with this:

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight
Bang bang.
nancy sinatra, a beautiful woman. i am having an interesting time thinking about gender and where i fit. lately i have been in and out of both, in my manner, my actions and the way i speak. one second i am that boy, fighting, playing grand theft auto (to kill hoookers), weight training and more mumbles and grunts than chatty. the next thing i know im talking a storm, listening to the sugababes religiously, mincing and applying makeup to myself and my girls during a few cocktails. am i tough? am i submissive? will i let "him" win the fight, bang bang.
in my relationship with abe we know who was the submissive, me. i felt good taking care of him. there was the strange opposites attract thing but i dont like to align that with gender roles. my younger female cousin when she saw me wearing my hair in pig tails said 'that is girls hair.' i told her tht just because she is a girl doesnt give her automatic ownership of a certain way to look. i feel the same way about what role you are in a relationship. she tried to shoot me down. 
gender is to a certain extent biological but moreso defined by culture. my own reflection is that either way i am presenting myself it is the way i identify that is the most important. i identify as male but even within that i feel a bit restricted to the ownership of masclinity. again, i dont own anything just because i identify with being male. you see my conundrum? this thing is going to last years. its the relationship to other people that limits my definition of the way i am because as soon as i say male they will have their own perception and "gender rules" programmed in. it would be much better if everyone shared my mind in this way.  
being male is hard work for me, when i put a slight limp to my wrist i feel like i am exhaling.

Friday, March 5, 2010

a post needs to happen

its almost 5am and i still havnt gone to sleep. im really yearning to have a soulmate to talk to. at this time abe would deff talk to me and tie off all of the loose ends of the day.

my body clock is absolutely fucked. i dont understand it this week, i sleep at the right time on monday and wake up fine, tuesday morning is the next time i got to sleep and wed is the same. now it is thurs at 5am and i still havnt made it. i managed to nap at weird times on tues and thurs and now my body wants to euthanise itself.

my housemate and several friends are always asking me to go out and drink. other friends are being let down easy where as cathy, the housemate, is relentless in her boredom and keeps asking me. i have a very non-bored life atm what with gym and uni and all she really does besides study is slob around. i have the gym and it fulfils me and i dont need any more excitement for the night and cathy just sits at home in her room depening on my sudden urge to go out. I DONT WANT TO. i dont need to, she does bc she is bored. i get it that she wants quality time and whatever but we fucking live together, i dont need to socialise with her every nanosecond of the damn day. ill find her a boyfriend and let her loose, thank fuck for that day. COME NOW. she still says hello every day. i feel like i am being reintroduced to her every fucking day. i know her, i know her well, i dont need 'hi' all the damn time. maybe she is just so clueless and cant begin talking any other way.

uni, oh boy! im doing this communications subject which is really giving me insight on the internet and concepts such as authorship and media. fancy that, my assessments are mostly to do a blog. im doing one right now, but, this is more academic so i have to use literacy tools (eugh). besides that all of my lectures revolve around society and culture in one way or another, one with humans:environment, humans:virtual world, humans:social realm. i am a 4th year and im doing a few 2nd yr subject meaning i get a total bludge. im used to 4500 word essays and these 2nd yr subject have a max 2500 and min 2000, so easyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

gimme a man to talk to and snuggle with right now please. below is one of Abes fave photos... we were so desperate to be like this photo. he even bought me the same necklace as that guy. i dont norm wear jewelry but yeah, for him.