first off, drunk posts eh? this isnt drunk, tho, i do pride myself for putting something mildly coherent together esp while im quite drunk.
its saturday and its just about the anniversary. it really sux that my soulmate died in general let alone it being on my sisters bday. i wont be seeing my sister at all but i might buy her something usefull.
i am confused as to how i am feeling and i always am. i think that this past year has been nothing but confusion for me, dissoriented in all aspects of life. i lost friends, i made enemies out of family and i reached an all time low in depression so much so that i managed to gain 25 kilos in a blink. i have cried more times in the past year than i ever have in my life. i dont know what is going on today but i sure have cried. i dont want to leave the house because i dont see myself fit to do so and i dont think anyone is really noticing my strange sleeping patterns which are acting like normal (which isnt normal at all).
i dont feel angry and i dont feel overwhelming grief, atm. this is a weird state to be in.
a friend of mine came over and bought fresh wholmeal scones and home made jam. we played makeup and talked about life. on boxing day she was close to death having flipped her car on the highway near her home town, tathra. we both concluded that 2009 was the worst year in existance. she also lost her dad to cancer last year so its been very difficult for both of us, and even more difficult for us to connect seeing as we are always so far away frm each other.
ive always wondered if Abe will just pop up somewhere, and he semi did. i finally had a dream abt him. finally. it was nothing special and i only felt as though i was observing him. even in the dreams i am distant.
i might play with makeup again today and build on my trans persona. i dont know why all of a sudden i want to be as feminine as possible, maybe ive reached the point where i realise that my male form will not attract anyone. i think that if i were more feminine maybe i will be attractive to someone. i look like a girl in some of my photos but i have to get rid of the damn five o'clock shaddow. im always doing something for someone who doesnt exist.
here are photos