Saturday, January 16, 2010

mixed bag of no surprises

first off, drunk posts eh? this isnt drunk, tho, i do pride myself for putting something mildly coherent together esp while im quite drunk.

its saturday and its just about the anniversary. it really sux that my soulmate died in general let alone it being on my sisters bday. i wont be seeing my sister at all but i might buy her something usefull.

i am confused as to how i am feeling and i always am. i think that this past year has been nothing but confusion for me, dissoriented in all aspects of life. i lost friends, i made enemies out of family and i reached an all time low in depression so much so that i managed to gain 25 kilos in a blink. i have cried more times in the past year than i ever have in my life. i dont know what is going on today but i sure have cried. i dont want to leave the house because i dont see myself fit to do so and i dont think anyone is really noticing my strange sleeping patterns which are acting like normal (which isnt normal at all).

i dont feel angry and i dont feel overwhelming grief, atm. this is a weird state to be in.

a friend of mine came over and bought fresh wholmeal scones and home made jam. we played makeup and talked about life. on boxing day she was close to death having flipped her car on the highway near her home town, tathra. we both concluded that 2009 was the worst year in existance. she also lost her dad to cancer last year so its been very difficult for both of us, and even more difficult for us to connect seeing as we are always so far away frm each other.

ive always wondered if Abe will just pop up somewhere, and he semi did. i finally had a dream abt him. finally. it was nothing special and i only felt as though i was observing him. even in the dreams i am distant.

i might play with makeup again today and build on my trans persona. i dont know why all of a sudden i want to be as feminine as possible, maybe ive reached the point where i realise that my male form will not attract anyone. i think that if i were more feminine maybe i will be attractive to someone. i look like a girl in some of my photos but i have to get rid of the damn five o'clock shaddow. im always doing something for someone who doesnt exist.

here are photos


  1. Hi there Pants,

    I wanted to at least say something in response to this, your most recent blog, and the previous one. You have a great style of writing that leaves me sensing your grief even though I'm the other side of the world from you.

    I want somehow to make a diffence but unlike a friendly neighbour all I can do is post some words.. somehow they just aren't always sufficient. Sometimes, it seems to me, that the greatest comfort is being in anothers company without any words being exchanged.

    I'm sure this first anniversary is going to be hideously difficult but you will get through it. In what you read, I can identify with a sense of wanting to isolate, because it feels safer that way, but also a desire to feel connected with the world.

    I've been trying to think of words of comfort, and the best I can do is to suggest that you hang on to the idea that Abe loved you for who you are and all that you can be. Love doesn't die.

    You will be in my thougths this Sunday.

    Paul x

  2. i am really only still here because he told me to do it though an mp3 of his voice, he prepared for the worst. its a deep rooted torture to fulfil his demand. the idea of love is the reason for this survival and its leaving me bitter and hell bent on punishing myself. i should be listening to 80s power ballads right now sobbing but its dead silent. i dont want to talk (physically) anymore so i tend to type and write, to myself and whoever wants it.

  3. p.s. its not everyday someone reaches out and puts it in plain english. i love your response and i am grateful for it. i like this space bc i have a source that allows me to recieve opinions come from guys... i value male opinions of me more, im a gay :)

  4. Thank-you for your comment Pants, I am glad my words have touched you in a positive way.

    I have been catching up on reading your blog. I have posted a poem on my blog, which maay have some meaning for you.

    I wrote the poem in 2007, and I'm glad (now) to say that lifes current guided me back to the safety and sunlight on the beach.... As you've mentioned in earlier posts, it's good to get these feelings down whether on paper or html.

  5. You know Pants, I hope you become comfortable being whoever you feel like being. Guys will be attracted to you because of your loving and interesting nature.

    This has been a tough year for you, and I'm not surprised that you are experimenting with your feminine side. Perhaps that side of you allows for a more gentle, caring approach.

    I imagine it is now Sunday where you are. I am thinking of you, and wanting you to know that I am present to your grieving. Remember that it matters less how you grieve, or how you ultimately feel on this difficult day. What matters is that you were loved by Abe. What matters is that you are willing to love him back. What matters is that you are willing to experience all of this, and with such honesty.

    Be sure to take a good look in the mirror today. Look at the person that Abe fell in love with. Worry not what changes have occurred in the reflection you see. There are going to be many changes yet to come. I believe in time all this pain will carry you to something wonderful. I also like to think that Abe will always be there beside you.