some thoughts here.
the first is about bluffing with my muffin. i dont have a vagina but i think i got myself into a bit of a sticky situation. james is the name of a guy i have mentioned when talking about a man i cant decipher. i think i might have mislead him somehow. he was, in this situation, my rebound. i will explain...
a few months after Abraham died i started to get a little stalker, james. the way he stalked me is through following my facebook comments to friends about going to gym to pump and combat classess. he then came to these classes and stood behind me. i did notice a new person in combat class and was kinda disturbed by the fact that a lanky first timer was standing behind me doing roundhouse kicks far too close to me. i didnt even know who he was at this point.
at university, there is a social/political group called allsorts that represents the lgbtiq community in the uni. i am a part of this group (loosely) and i turned up to one of the meetings. james was at this meeting and he was there for most of them and this is where all of his friends are. i dont have many friends in that group and still havnt managed to partly because of him.
so, now i know him. i start to ask him stuff and he blurted out that he followed me to the gym, he just admitted it. i was kinda into the fact that i had my own little stalker because, lets face it, i dont get much male attention at all. he turned up to other classes and again stood behind me. i told him i would go on a date with him just to suffice his need. actually, kinda two dates. the first was watching xmen, the wolverine one. he was deffinetly not in a condition to date and he looked miserable having come from a busy work day being a paramedic. he also forgot his glasses so him driving us through a highway was another bad idea. it was a horrible date, just horrible. it was quite litterally the first date i have had that was ridiculous and didnt encourage me at all in confidence. i left that date feeling confused. he is also a vegetarian and i accidently asked him if he wanted to go fishing.
the second date was something i might want to forget too. i invited him over to my house and cooked dinner and we watched movies. i was getting blasted off of all the liquor i had and the stuff he bought over. i had to otherwise i wouldnt have handled the night so well. we watched amityville horror and pinochio. we didnt actually watch pinochio even though it was on. i ended up making out with him for about 2 hours. we then slept (literally sleeping) together. he wanted to curl into me while we slept and it made me kind of uncomfortable. the fact is, i came out of an epic relationship and he is the one needing to be held??? plus, he is lanky and bigger than me therefore it felt awkward. we woke up, kissed more, and he left. i was left looking mauled with a lot of hickeys.
after all of this and so many times he has just stopped all communication and then he started to talk again i felt so confused and i didnt want him one bit, not after our messed date #1 and the second where i felt no spark and am afraid i didnt even get a hardon. ABSOLUTELY NO SPARK. i started to feel desperate and felt, and still feel, as though he was a rebound. i dont feel anything for him. we have absolutely nothing in common and i cant speak to him without him arguing with me. recently he came to the gym again when i said i was going to. he went on every piece of equip i did and came to my class. im so confused.
did the fact that i went on dates and kissed him means he is linked to me like this? will he just never stop with his on/off stalkerish persona? will he leave me alone?
damn my muffin.
the wish me luck is about the fact that i am going home on friday and wont have internet access for almost two weeks, well, not good enough time to write a blog anyway. i am going home to family, and, if you read my blogs, you know how i feel about family. luck me to death my two or three casual readers.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
makeup
mkay. this blog has nothing deep about it, though i do like deep (...thats what he said). this blog is about makeup and yes i mean cosmetics not genetic makeup.
one of my recent cravings is to dabble in makeup, buy it, try it etc. my inspiration is joshua, a guy on youtube with the user name petrilude. i suppose he has sparked my interest in the superficial beauty secrets of women and drag queens alike. hes not raging or anything and looks beautiful in makeup because he has the bone structre to carry it well. what he specialises in is eyes, eye shaddow, brow shaping and colour combinations that make me extrodinarily jealous. i wish i could have a face for makeup but im afraid my face is far too masculine. when i shave i can see a five o'clock shaddow at lunchtime, seriously, i just squint my eyes and consentrate on the folicles, they will sprout. it isnt doing me any favours when i want to work with makep and means i would have to use a fuckload of concealer.
anywhooooo. i think my goal is to buy that concealer. i already know my skin tone in foundations which is medium beige. as a person with an Aboriginal and irish background how did i end up with BEIGE skin??? riddle me that, mother.
so, why makep? i love playing with makeup in general and am often watching my best friends use it so often. i want to and i am getting advice from petrilude. though, affording the makeup and working out the techniques is going to be another hurdle in my quest for a smoky dark eye and natural lip gloss, or even a flamboyant wing (that is just when you use liquid mascara to flick out the line from the eyelashes) with some shades of burgundy and brown. oh dear, i think if i were a good canvas i would deff try some drag out. my frame is similar to a little footballing, tanky, back liner. in essence, i look like a fridge.
i heart drag queenery, in fact, ive made out with one and it was fine. there is a bit of a story behind that one and i have pics. eek.
many tangents have been blown (... what he said again) so im just gonna refocus on buying makeup kits maybe. im talking eyeshadow kits but i need a lot of the foundation things. this is my DIY project over summer here in aust, then again, makeup in the head tends to be a bad idea esp if i am going out but then again i think my goal should be just to sit in my bathroom or something and try it all out and i could be ready for winter events.
another side note is that i have this recent obsession with making little cotton pom poms, like on the tops of beanies and i plan to make a giant mohawk of pom poms to put on top of my favourite beanie for a new winter trend. i made pom pom earrings for my best friend brenna for xmas so i had a bit of a creative workshop with myself.
thats it. and below is my inspiration... joshua *sigh*
one of my recent cravings is to dabble in makeup, buy it, try it etc. my inspiration is joshua, a guy on youtube with the user name petrilude. i suppose he has sparked my interest in the superficial beauty secrets of women and drag queens alike. hes not raging or anything and looks beautiful in makeup because he has the bone structre to carry it well. what he specialises in is eyes, eye shaddow, brow shaping and colour combinations that make me extrodinarily jealous. i wish i could have a face for makeup but im afraid my face is far too masculine. when i shave i can see a five o'clock shaddow at lunchtime, seriously, i just squint my eyes and consentrate on the folicles, they will sprout. it isnt doing me any favours when i want to work with makep and means i would have to use a fuckload of concealer.
anywhooooo. i think my goal is to buy that concealer. i already know my skin tone in foundations which is medium beige. as a person with an Aboriginal and irish background how did i end up with BEIGE skin??? riddle me that, mother.
so, why makep? i love playing with makeup in general and am often watching my best friends use it so often. i want to and i am getting advice from petrilude. though, affording the makeup and working out the techniques is going to be another hurdle in my quest for a smoky dark eye and natural lip gloss, or even a flamboyant wing (that is just when you use liquid mascara to flick out the line from the eyelashes) with some shades of burgundy and brown. oh dear, i think if i were a good canvas i would deff try some drag out. my frame is similar to a little footballing, tanky, back liner. in essence, i look like a fridge.
i heart drag queenery, in fact, ive made out with one and it was fine. there is a bit of a story behind that one and i have pics. eek.
many tangents have been blown (... what he said again) so im just gonna refocus on buying makeup kits maybe. im talking eyeshadow kits but i need a lot of the foundation things. this is my DIY project over summer here in aust, then again, makeup in the head tends to be a bad idea esp if i am going out but then again i think my goal should be just to sit in my bathroom or something and try it all out and i could be ready for winter events.
another side note is that i have this recent obsession with making little cotton pom poms, like on the tops of beanies and i plan to make a giant mohawk of pom poms to put on top of my favourite beanie for a new winter trend. i made pom pom earrings for my best friend brenna for xmas so i had a bit of a creative workshop with myself.
thats it. and below is my inspiration... joshua *sigh*
Monday, December 14, 2009
popular gay
i think i mentioned being very attracted to my dead bf still in my last comments section and tht i would make a blog on it. (had to write that to keep it fresh in my mind)
my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative. take that with you.
i guess i wanted to talk about popularity of the social kind. in my context, gay popularity. its a very long, arduous and sometimes sad journey. im not popular and i dont claim to be. i do however claim to be someone who values a really amazing friend. but im sad to report i have little in the way of gay friends or any one in the gay community to click with. thus, this blog.
what i have in my mind about popular people is personality and looks. personality in the way that when you speak to a person they want to speak more. to have a good personality is to give people a zest, a cheeky semi-flirtacious wit and to carry yourself with pride when in communication, minus insecurities. when i think of successfull personalities i think of blogs and online things like facebook and how they are popular. whether your online friends interact or comment on your blogs/stats is a good factor which shows you know someone out there has similar thoughts and you click well, and, if that occurs frequently you know youre doing something right and people enjoy you. its just rewarding, you know? its just a boost to your day.
im afraid i established this blog to get my feelings, my truths and my darkness into written form. i approched this whole thing wrong if i wanted to gain any readers. i often think "this is intense, no one will enjoy this" and that is fine because of the initial purpose of this blog. rule 1# no interraction and no popularity when spilling your emotions in an open blog. exposure of this material makes people ache. people pleasing is hard when you want to write honestly. im sorry for not having good inspiring blogs but im just not happy, and when i am its not noteworthy because it lasts a second. sorry.
right, to the looks department. i think its beyond blogs. in the gay world popularity goes with the good looking, the handsome, the average to toned, masculine boys. not to say im not masculine at all. ive always felt that image pressure is a large factor to why my personality fails, why i am afraid to talk to men, all based on several hours of self judgement in the mirror. now, cry me a river and whatnot and etc i know im a whinger. i buy so many products to help me be the best i can look but my motivation to look great stops when i see how the canvas is shaped. i seem to love myself enough to have amazing morals about controlling how my virginity will be taken and where my love is invested but i often wonder "is that a product of my lack of beauty? am i forced to believe in these things because i have no other choice?" the subconscious tells me many things you see and my mind gets bombarded with reservations. hes too good looking, hes better than me, he wouldnt give me the time. i think a lot and i wish i werent so bombarded with this.
i think the gay community want me to want to be like them, so one day i too can dance shirtless at a bar, and better yet, talk to a guy without feeling a lesser self worth. popularity is a vicious place to be but somehow you want and aspire to it. gay popularity seems so unhealthy but it comes down to wanting some level of constant communication just so you arent alone all the time. you just want someone to like you enough to text you every now and again, visit you and ask you out. its a pity it comes with having bongo drums for pecs and a six pack. its a damn shame that i too am a shallow piece of shit.
my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative.
my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative. take that with you.
i guess i wanted to talk about popularity of the social kind. in my context, gay popularity. its a very long, arduous and sometimes sad journey. im not popular and i dont claim to be. i do however claim to be someone who values a really amazing friend. but im sad to report i have little in the way of gay friends or any one in the gay community to click with. thus, this blog.
what i have in my mind about popular people is personality and looks. personality in the way that when you speak to a person they want to speak more. to have a good personality is to give people a zest, a cheeky semi-flirtacious wit and to carry yourself with pride when in communication, minus insecurities. when i think of successfull personalities i think of blogs and online things like facebook and how they are popular. whether your online friends interact or comment on your blogs/stats is a good factor which shows you know someone out there has similar thoughts and you click well, and, if that occurs frequently you know youre doing something right and people enjoy you. its just rewarding, you know? its just a boost to your day.
im afraid i established this blog to get my feelings, my truths and my darkness into written form. i approched this whole thing wrong if i wanted to gain any readers. i often think "this is intense, no one will enjoy this" and that is fine because of the initial purpose of this blog. rule 1# no interraction and no popularity when spilling your emotions in an open blog. exposure of this material makes people ache. people pleasing is hard when you want to write honestly. im sorry for not having good inspiring blogs but im just not happy, and when i am its not noteworthy because it lasts a second. sorry.
right, to the looks department. i think its beyond blogs. in the gay world popularity goes with the good looking, the handsome, the average to toned, masculine boys. not to say im not masculine at all. ive always felt that image pressure is a large factor to why my personality fails, why i am afraid to talk to men, all based on several hours of self judgement in the mirror. now, cry me a river and whatnot and etc i know im a whinger. i buy so many products to help me be the best i can look but my motivation to look great stops when i see how the canvas is shaped. i seem to love myself enough to have amazing morals about controlling how my virginity will be taken and where my love is invested but i often wonder "is that a product of my lack of beauty? am i forced to believe in these things because i have no other choice?" the subconscious tells me many things you see and my mind gets bombarded with reservations. hes too good looking, hes better than me, he wouldnt give me the time. i think a lot and i wish i werent so bombarded with this.
i think the gay community want me to want to be like them, so one day i too can dance shirtless at a bar, and better yet, talk to a guy without feeling a lesser self worth. popularity is a vicious place to be but somehow you want and aspire to it. gay popularity seems so unhealthy but it comes down to wanting some level of constant communication just so you arent alone all the time. you just want someone to like you enough to text you every now and again, visit you and ask you out. its a pity it comes with having bongo drums for pecs and a six pack. its a damn shame that i too am a shallow piece of shit.
my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
xmas time
hmm i think i wanted to give a quick run down of a typical family xmas at mine. what happens is i wake up and look at the little kiddies get their presents, especially my cousin ty who calls me buddy. i love the boy. hes getting so big now and hes starting to get so into motorbikes, he deff didnt get that from me.
ty being a grubby little boy. why are they happiest when they look like no one owns them is beyond me.
anyways, after a long morning of watching kids play with their new stuff, its time to clean and start cooking. im the head of the kitchen at xmas time. the fact is, my family wouldnt know how to prepare a good roast anything. they have no concept of seasoning and as pop like to say "i dont like my cows mooing" meaning anything remotely pink in a meat means it is bad. i suppose that is deff not a part of todays culinary culture, like, i dont think the values of past food practices like the overcooked meat is a good way to prepare anything today and by his standards pink isnt "proper."
so when ive cooked a fuckload (and i am not going to this year) i start drinking! yes, the sickly xmas season makes me want to drink, a lot. i end up drinking till 10pm norm and then pass out. good times. no chilldren in your face, lots of free space to roam around down at home and i can finally confide in my sister or cousin ashleigh about life. i know this xmas will be tough. last xmas abe couldnt call me and he tried so hard. apparently skype hated him on that day last year. it was really horrible not hearing his voice all day. i cried obviously and he managed to get my voicemails of me crying and i think he almost punched a new hole into his laptop bc he couldnt reach me at all. i hope those things are expelled into this blog and dont affect me during this xmas.
i made him a collage for xmas. i asked him what he wanted for xmas and he said he wanted me, so i gave him me in the form of a photo collage haha. he liked it! prob masturbated well that day lol. i hope he did!!!!
get all his energy out in that way. the thought gets me so hot. is that creepy?
anyways, that is xmas for me. i go home, i cook, i see kids open pressies, i drink until i cant feel my body and i get into some random shenanigans. all the while i count it as family bonding.
merry xmas my fellow drunks.
Friday, December 11, 2009
whis is this? what is that, honey? what are you doing?
picture tells a thousand words, to me at least. here is an old blog that i ranted out when i was bed ridden with my pelvis stuff...
it has been quite educational sitting here in bed semi-crippled watching back to back seasons of will and grace. i have realised i have very similar parallels to will, it is oh so strange. i know my empathy and scathing remarks are much more like karen's but there is the interesting thing abt straight female, gay male relationships. the difference is that i dont have my jack and i am not balanced out quite as much as will is.
first thing i see is that the dynamic of the relationship means that neither tend to get as much when being in a close proximity to each other. aka a tip to all female friends, DONT HANG AND CLING FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. it has potential to limit your and my sexytimes. thank fuck will and grace sorted that out. i deff try to keep a slight distance with female persons, the biggest reason is abt said issue. I want sexytime to happen sometime. i will not be a buttinski most of the time (or cock block) but deff will be if its going to turn foul. plus, who wants to adopt a hypothetical wife? not me. how does one aquire a jack?
why do stright women have a habbit of dissapointment when finding out a guy (they see potential in) likes a guy? thats one of the biggest turn-off's any of my friends can have. *mini vomit* truly, if i were (agonising sentence to complete) one of those... things that like (ugh) women i think i would be a part of a football team and not in my current circumstance. we know what goes on in the former situation, dont we? group sex.
*currently haunted by having simones breasticles shoved in mah face*
tis a terrible fate for jayne (best friend) as she has the hips that bare a potential surrogacy. hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! but i promise, it wont be your egg. JOKES (but really).
in conclusion, women are fun and shit but one way to getting a boy is to look like a frail, bella, deer type woman looking for her power assuming, obsessive edward type. this means without gay bodyguard. though most circumstances its neccesary to have the guard, like the palming of the face incident at castro's. am i right ladies? am i right??
WHERE IS MY FRUIT BASKET? brenna (best friend), any failed man has failed only because of this. there was no fruit nor was there a basket given to me. a combination of the two is a thumbs up!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
faggolah misses his boufhead
as i have predicted this blog is a bipolar flip compared to my last few.
tonight i feel romantic, though, there is no one to flirt or serve lol. listening to some very sensual music. t shirt by destinys child in fact. i feel Abraham to tell you the truth. lately i have used my memories of abe to help me when i have needed him the most. several occasions lately. as opposed to twiddling my thumbs while nervous i play with the ring he got me. my new housemate alana noticed i had a wedding band on. this ring he bought me is so precious. its like the unofficial engagement ring. its simple enough, its silver and has "love. laugh. live." etched into it. what a fucking sweetie. my big guy is kept in these momento's. i grip my ring when i feel so scared and i have his mp3s to remind me of his low grumble and beautiful zealous expressions. though i am limited in the pictures/videos department. abe was seriously the most romantic man i have come across. he says its bc of his parents and he told me he always got advice on how to treat me from his mother. i suppose i am just longing for him. to use his expression "i want to be over you, under you and in you, hubbyman."
this video is one he cried over many times and told me this is how he sees me, how he sees us. please watch.
abe, you're the only thing i need tonight to keep me safe. i will sleep in the same position i always have been with you closer to the door. please, drag me to bed and then be in my dream. i dont ask often but please be in my dream. its only fair.
tonight i feel romantic, though, there is no one to flirt or serve lol. listening to some very sensual music. t shirt by destinys child in fact. i feel Abraham to tell you the truth. lately i have used my memories of abe to help me when i have needed him the most. several occasions lately. as opposed to twiddling my thumbs while nervous i play with the ring he got me. my new housemate alana noticed i had a wedding band on. this ring he bought me is so precious. its like the unofficial engagement ring. its simple enough, its silver and has "love. laugh. live." etched into it. what a fucking sweetie. my big guy is kept in these momento's. i grip my ring when i feel so scared and i have his mp3s to remind me of his low grumble and beautiful zealous expressions. though i am limited in the pictures/videos department. abe was seriously the most romantic man i have come across. he says its bc of his parents and he told me he always got advice on how to treat me from his mother. i suppose i am just longing for him. to use his expression "i want to be over you, under you and in you, hubbyman."
this video is one he cried over many times and told me this is how he sees me, how he sees us. please watch.
abe, you're the only thing i need tonight to keep me safe. i will sleep in the same position i always have been with you closer to the door. please, drag me to bed and then be in my dream. i dont ask often but please be in my dream. its only fair.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
paranormal coincidence
i saw the movie today and it impressed me on more than one level. i found that it spoke to my past. now, you wonder what i have to do with hauntings, deamons, spirits and late night shenanigans. i will tell you.
i wont spoil the movie for those who havnt seen it but there are several times where the lead female sleepwalks. i have the most intense goosebumps typing this out. i was a chronic sleepwalker when i was younger, not your average sleepwalker. i almost died several times. both incidents were in the bathroom doing the exact same thing, filling the bathtub and getting in. the first time i just laid in it with the water filling, mum heard, my aunt who lives with us heard and saved me. the second was not exactly the same because i didnt just lie in the bath, i tried to swim! seriously, laps. funny enough but the reality was i was young and asleep unaware of my body taking over. it doesnt stop there.
there was one episode so traumatic to me because i woke up in the middle of a paddock behind my house with mum and tresia (aunt) screaming at me to get inside. now, what was also frightening is the fact that the destination i was set for was my family graveyard. the paddock behind my house ends there and its exactly where i was going. i woke up and only remember the panic and me balling my eyes out. ive done smaller things like peeing in the wrong place, climbing walls etc.
ok im scaring myself now i need to stop blogging.
ill brief you on the demons and spirits past soon but im a bit scared right now. just know that i have played ouija so many times and have felt a spirit grab my ankle.
i wont spoil the movie for those who havnt seen it but there are several times where the lead female sleepwalks. i have the most intense goosebumps typing this out. i was a chronic sleepwalker when i was younger, not your average sleepwalker. i almost died several times. both incidents were in the bathroom doing the exact same thing, filling the bathtub and getting in. the first time i just laid in it with the water filling, mum heard, my aunt who lives with us heard and saved me. the second was not exactly the same because i didnt just lie in the bath, i tried to swim! seriously, laps. funny enough but the reality was i was young and asleep unaware of my body taking over. it doesnt stop there.
there was one episode so traumatic to me because i woke up in the middle of a paddock behind my house with mum and tresia (aunt) screaming at me to get inside. now, what was also frightening is the fact that the destination i was set for was my family graveyard. the paddock behind my house ends there and its exactly where i was going. i woke up and only remember the panic and me balling my eyes out. ive done smaller things like peeing in the wrong place, climbing walls etc.
ok im scaring myself now i need to stop blogging.
ill brief you on the demons and spirits past soon but im a bit scared right now. just know that i have played ouija so many times and have felt a spirit grab my ankle.
Monday, December 7, 2009
argh is all i can think of
this is very honest so if you dont want to read my truth, stop here. it gets intense and real.
there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.
ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.
im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.
i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.
there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.
ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.
im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.
i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.
obviously me and mum
i have one more bone to pick, its abt my mother. i cant describe my relationship with her. love and frustration are the elements that mostly describe what i feel with her. i wanted to note her down because she has compounded the trauma of grief by not being there for me. not just at the start of the year but my whole life. she is a single mother, doesnt work, drinks (during which she talks of her emotions) and expects the world of me, to support her. on january 18th i got news that my boyfriend died (along with his mother) in an intersection in the east of tennessee. i got the message from ray, abe's close friend and therapist. i almost put holes in the wall, screaming intensly and hurting myself without any care. i cant see the screen right now. so, why my mother is integral to this story is that she is the first person i called and cried to, obviously, she couldnt hear what i was saying for 10 mins before i mumbled it in between screams. i was in the house alone and she talked to me, told me not to do anything, but what i really wanted was for her to come up to me. it was only a 1.5 hour drive to me and she didnt bother. i dont know how many readers would actually empathise but it just made the situation more intense. she told me to come home but at that point i couldnt leave, i couldnt talk, i couldnt move. she HAD to come to me, its her fucking job. all of my life she has abandoned me and i am expected to support her. i am expected to work hard and be a bread winner so that she could live comfortably. i say FUCK YOU MUM. when i go home for xmas i wont be thinking "i miss family" i will hang around, drink, then come home and resume my wollongong life.
i am damn pinchable.
santa is very scary tho, like zombie santa.
the next blog will be something quite bipolar. we will see what endorphines the weight training will bring out.
Friday, December 4, 2009
technical virgin?
interesting story here. ill make it really short and sweet. so, i am always asking myself and re-validating the fact that i am a virgin, but, its not entirely true which is why i question it and have to reassure myself.
gah, i hate giving away the big secret before i tell the rest of the story but it is kinda important. i was 7, meaning 7 total years of age and in second grade if i remember correctly. so its not hard to figure out (followed by a gasp) that i lost my "virginity" at a young age, but i always wonder, was that really what you could call "sex"? the first issue that pops into the mind is "was the other guy far older, a sicko?" i would gladly clear that up and tell you he was the same age as me and it was deff consentual. it makes me a bit fidgity just retelling because i dont think people mostly understand that a person could be so curious at that age and actually go there. i remember feeling it, but, can not think if our bodily functions mimicked that of a grown man, this is where i draw the line and tell myself "i am a virgin." there was a sexual consciousness to the whole thing and i knew exactly what i was doing but i dont think it qualifies because of the lack of physical development.
since this i have not done any sexual thing with anyone. i guess i have developed a lot because i believe in morals such as monogamy and reserving myself for only one person. i treasure my inexperience at this point. i am 21, the years between the event and now has unexpectedly turned out in the healthiest possible way. its like the slate was cleaned.
what do you think, can i validate my claim to virginity?
gah, i hate giving away the big secret before i tell the rest of the story but it is kinda important. i was 7, meaning 7 total years of age and in second grade if i remember correctly. so its not hard to figure out (followed by a gasp) that i lost my "virginity" at a young age, but i always wonder, was that really what you could call "sex"? the first issue that pops into the mind is "was the other guy far older, a sicko?" i would gladly clear that up and tell you he was the same age as me and it was deff consentual. it makes me a bit fidgity just retelling because i dont think people mostly understand that a person could be so curious at that age and actually go there. i remember feeling it, but, can not think if our bodily functions mimicked that of a grown man, this is where i draw the line and tell myself "i am a virgin." there was a sexual consciousness to the whole thing and i knew exactly what i was doing but i dont think it qualifies because of the lack of physical development.
since this i have not done any sexual thing with anyone. i guess i have developed a lot because i believe in morals such as monogamy and reserving myself for only one person. i treasure my inexperience at this point. i am 21, the years between the event and now has unexpectedly turned out in the healthiest possible way. its like the slate was cleaned.
what do you think, can i validate my claim to virginity?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
traditions known: my installation
Traditions Known, 2009, is a work in progress which is based on an experimention with materials including plaster, flour, tea leaves and raw sugar and an already established foundation of working with basic foodstuff from my childhood. This work is at a point of evolution for me as an artist as I am reaching further into theories of colonisation, of Indigenous experience and most importantly, survival.
The title of the work ‘Traditions Known’ refers to the personal, political and cultural content of the work and traditions known by me personally which are limited to the borders of my youth in a mission on the South Coast. It is implied that what I know in the way of tradition doesn’t extend beyond the borders of mission life, influenced by the Protection Policies including Assimilation. I feel that it should be stated that these policies in our history affects Indigenous peoples now. I represent a contemporary voice that is disconnected from spirituality and is confronted by the culture of homogenised white Australia. I see the personal as the political as it is my right to my Indigenous identity and this work cements the claim.
Post-colonial survival in Australia has been the major influence for my materials and the physical manifestation of my ideas. It is the period of the post-colonial world that has established Australian identities which is so important in defining my identity. My work focuses on food culture as a major influence in our identities and a major influence in our everyday life. The rationing of food underpins the Indigenous experience in Australia and was the basis of survival in Australia as a colonised nation. What is most interesting for me is that this particular food culture colonised the Indigenous diet in many ways. The livelihood in the missions depended on items such as flour, tea and off-cuts of meat which assimilated and integrated into the traditional diets. Indigenous food culture has not impacted so heavily on European culture because of the imbedded Eurocentric views that impacted on settler survival in the Australian landscape.
Through a minimalist aesthetic and a performance ritual I placed the work in a grid like pattern on the floor, which also references earlier weaving works that I have created. The installation is a way of communicating more with less, survival with bare essentials and an environment in which the audience can view one of many contemporary Indigenous experiences.
below: Andrew Farrell Traditions Known (2009). plaster, flour, tea leaves, raw sugar. 160 x 57 cm.
The title of the work ‘Traditions Known’ refers to the personal, political and cultural content of the work and traditions known by me personally which are limited to the borders of my youth in a mission on the South Coast. It is implied that what I know in the way of tradition doesn’t extend beyond the borders of mission life, influenced by the Protection Policies including Assimilation. I feel that it should be stated that these policies in our history affects Indigenous peoples now. I represent a contemporary voice that is disconnected from spirituality and is confronted by the culture of homogenised white Australia. I see the personal as the political as it is my right to my Indigenous identity and this work cements the claim.
Post-colonial survival in Australia has been the major influence for my materials and the physical manifestation of my ideas. It is the period of the post-colonial world that has established Australian identities which is so important in defining my identity. My work focuses on food culture as a major influence in our identities and a major influence in our everyday life. The rationing of food underpins the Indigenous experience in Australia and was the basis of survival in Australia as a colonised nation. What is most interesting for me is that this particular food culture colonised the Indigenous diet in many ways. The livelihood in the missions depended on items such as flour, tea and off-cuts of meat which assimilated and integrated into the traditional diets. Indigenous food culture has not impacted so heavily on European culture because of the imbedded Eurocentric views that impacted on settler survival in the Australian landscape.
Through a minimalist aesthetic and a performance ritual I placed the work in a grid like pattern on the floor, which also references earlier weaving works that I have created. The installation is a way of communicating more with less, survival with bare essentials and an environment in which the audience can view one of many contemporary Indigenous experiences.
below: Andrew Farrell Traditions Known (2009). plaster, flour, tea leaves, raw sugar. 160 x 57 cm.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
silent side
ok so i had a random thought towards my own personality, i feel that within my best friend trio i am deff the most quiet. i get along with people ok but my two friends are girls and they are quite different from me and tend to get better responses from people when becoming friends. i mean, they make friends better than i do all the time and it doesnt make me bitter but i just notice it.
i suppose (and im not crying abt prejudice) that it has been a part of being gay, on several levels. back at home i would never be able to make friends like my now best friends do, it wasnt encouraged bc im a boy, that is, to be comforting in ways like hugs or being affectionate to people full stop. i cant really hug people and i cant seem to actually make close friends bc of little things like this and it is also about how that has affected my body language and so on (a chain of events). this closed area of my personality isnt completely lost mind you, i still manage to be affectionate to people i know are welcoming of it, i just cant understand who else out there i can do it to. im worried about boundaries, i am worried about getting myself into a place where i can be physically hurt. i dont wnt to make the wrong mistake and be affectionate towards a guy who beats me up after telling me hes straight. im just so worried all the time.
i suppose i am protecting myself to some extent but im not getting better at making friends no matter what the sexuality unless one person decides that they like, include me and text me once in a while. my poor phone is lonely.
on a side note i took my best friend (who it is no issue to hug) to the airport in sydney to send her off to the UK, my little jayne is going to come bck full of british foods and look like a plump bridget jones. we do this ritual that when we are at the airport, we must spray and check out all of the perfumes (tester bottles) of the big expensive brand names, now i smell like EVERYTHING!
here, have this song my friend. its actually "when your body is talking"
cassie when your body talking
ciara
MySpace Video
i suppose (and im not crying abt prejudice) that it has been a part of being gay, on several levels. back at home i would never be able to make friends like my now best friends do, it wasnt encouraged bc im a boy, that is, to be comforting in ways like hugs or being affectionate to people full stop. i cant really hug people and i cant seem to actually make close friends bc of little things like this and it is also about how that has affected my body language and so on (a chain of events). this closed area of my personality isnt completely lost mind you, i still manage to be affectionate to people i know are welcoming of it, i just cant understand who else out there i can do it to. im worried about boundaries, i am worried about getting myself into a place where i can be physically hurt. i dont wnt to make the wrong mistake and be affectionate towards a guy who beats me up after telling me hes straight. im just so worried all the time.
i suppose i am protecting myself to some extent but im not getting better at making friends no matter what the sexuality unless one person decides that they like, include me and text me once in a while. my poor phone is lonely.
on a side note i took my best friend (who it is no issue to hug) to the airport in sydney to send her off to the UK, my little jayne is going to come bck full of british foods and look like a plump bridget jones. we do this ritual that when we are at the airport, we must spray and check out all of the perfumes (tester bottles) of the big expensive brand names, now i smell like EVERYTHING!
here, have this song my friend. its actually "when your body is talking"
cassie when your body talking
ciara
MySpace Video
Monday, November 30, 2009
washing my hands of a toxic situation.
ok, this post is another small vent and also a question to my small number of readers who manage to look at my blog. advice is more than welcome.
my friend, bren, is currently dealing with a boy who is infatuated with her. this is generally no issue to me as that is what she is like, femme fatal all the way. but this one, its unhealthy. she is giving out the wrong message no matter how she is dealing with him and no matter what she does she goes about it in a very unhealthy way. her personality and logic are all wrong in this scenario. she says about the infatuation: "hes just a boy, i dont want to hurt him and still be his friend. i wont cheat on my boyfriend and i am never going to leave my boyfriend, but i want to let him down easy" now it might sound reasonable but what i saw the other night alters the meaning of her words.
by letting him down easy she merely means to not do much about it at all. the evidence is that, on wednesday night, she allowed him to take advantage of her submissive nature and that allowed him to sexually harass her. at that point a girl should be resisting but her "nature" says otherwise. she allows it. she knows that it feeds him and still doesnt do anything logical to stop it, yet, relies on those around her to deal. i dont particularly like seeing my best friend being sexually harassed but apparently she doesnt mind...
im not going to be drawn into taking care of her men problems bc that just gets me involved with straights in a level in which shouldnt exist in the first place, her fucking boyfriend should be the one to take care of this stalker, right??? im not going to get involved in the toxic straight games because that just diverts me from what is available out there, meaning MY BIG GAY MAN WHO I WILL LOVE FOREVER : )
opinions?
my friend, bren, is currently dealing with a boy who is infatuated with her. this is generally no issue to me as that is what she is like, femme fatal all the way. but this one, its unhealthy. she is giving out the wrong message no matter how she is dealing with him and no matter what she does she goes about it in a very unhealthy way. her personality and logic are all wrong in this scenario. she says about the infatuation: "hes just a boy, i dont want to hurt him and still be his friend. i wont cheat on my boyfriend and i am never going to leave my boyfriend, but i want to let him down easy" now it might sound reasonable but what i saw the other night alters the meaning of her words.
by letting him down easy she merely means to not do much about it at all. the evidence is that, on wednesday night, she allowed him to take advantage of her submissive nature and that allowed him to sexually harass her. at that point a girl should be resisting but her "nature" says otherwise. she allows it. she knows that it feeds him and still doesnt do anything logical to stop it, yet, relies on those around her to deal. i dont particularly like seeing my best friend being sexually harassed but apparently she doesnt mind...
im not going to be drawn into taking care of her men problems bc that just gets me involved with straights in a level in which shouldnt exist in the first place, her fucking boyfriend should be the one to take care of this stalker, right??? im not going to get involved in the toxic straight games because that just diverts me from what is available out there, meaning MY BIG GAY MAN WHO I WILL LOVE FOREVER : )
opinions?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
introduction to conceptual installation art
well, i have just finished my three years in the field of fine arts at the university of wollongong. my major was in sculpture studio with some extensive and grueling theory on the side, i minored in Aboriginal studies also.
i love sculpture and installation art, it has opened me up to a whole new way to express myself. i have always hated 2d forms such as painting and drawing, they never satisfy me. what i was looking for in art was a mode to express myself that explicitly involved the audiences participation in the work. in my opinion i find that art galleries are so demanding of people in the space, restricting the visitors with guards that oversee the safety of the work and the invisible barrier that buzzes when you are too close to it. it is too uptight, too.... boring.
installation works are more about interpreting a space and giving it a new meaning or, in some cases, drawing out what that space is in itself. it makes us more aware of our environment. i think more people appreciate an art work that is interactive to a certain extent, one that allows you to enter an environment and be affected by what the artist constructs. one amazing artist that i have seen in the last year was Yayoi Kusama, pictured below is her work "fireflies on the water" which i have seen first hand. she is an amazing installation artist and if u ever hear she is exhibiting near you, you musnt miss it.
i also love Andy Goldsworthy and his earth sculptures and installation art. he dominantly uses nature and site specific works which manipulate materials to its extrodinary potential, natural splendor if you will. he is more conserned with the eb and flow of tides, curves and spirals in nature and the impermenancy of his works. below is one of his works with reconstruced icicles, and to think this beauty only lasts for a few hours is ever romantic, dont you think?
what i have worked with in my on installation, to sum it up, is the Indigenous experience of the post-colonial Australian world dealing mainly with diaspora, survival and the subsequent contemporary condition for Aboriginal peoples in this nation. i have taken elements of domesticity (flour, tea, sugar) from Aboriginal reserves and communities bought together by notions of minimalism to construct an installation art work which hopefully will inspire people to break their (non-Indig) perception of Indigenous experiences as fixed within stereotype. a lot of the time i like to experiment with food and alcohol culture and its important contribution to observing cultural histories. thus, i make food art!
i love sculpture and installation art, it has opened me up to a whole new way to express myself. i have always hated 2d forms such as painting and drawing, they never satisfy me. what i was looking for in art was a mode to express myself that explicitly involved the audiences participation in the work. in my opinion i find that art galleries are so demanding of people in the space, restricting the visitors with guards that oversee the safety of the work and the invisible barrier that buzzes when you are too close to it. it is too uptight, too.... boring.
installation works are more about interpreting a space and giving it a new meaning or, in some cases, drawing out what that space is in itself. it makes us more aware of our environment. i think more people appreciate an art work that is interactive to a certain extent, one that allows you to enter an environment and be affected by what the artist constructs. one amazing artist that i have seen in the last year was Yayoi Kusama, pictured below is her work "fireflies on the water" which i have seen first hand. she is an amazing installation artist and if u ever hear she is exhibiting near you, you musnt miss it.
i also love Andy Goldsworthy and his earth sculptures and installation art. he dominantly uses nature and site specific works which manipulate materials to its extrodinary potential, natural splendor if you will. he is more conserned with the eb and flow of tides, curves and spirals in nature and the impermenancy of his works. below is one of his works with reconstruced icicles, and to think this beauty only lasts for a few hours is ever romantic, dont you think?
what i have worked with in my on installation, to sum it up, is the Indigenous experience of the post-colonial Australian world dealing mainly with diaspora, survival and the subsequent contemporary condition for Aboriginal peoples in this nation. i have taken elements of domesticity (flour, tea, sugar) from Aboriginal reserves and communities bought together by notions of minimalism to construct an installation art work which hopefully will inspire people to break their (non-Indig) perception of Indigenous experiences as fixed within stereotype. a lot of the time i like to experiment with food and alcohol culture and its important contribution to observing cultural histories. thus, i make food art!
this floor work is an extention on my "traditions known" series
what this is is flour, tea and raw sugar in grids, then it has plaster bricks (some covered in bible passages) and a line of sand running through it. what you cant gain from looking at this is the vanilla smell that permiates the air, yes, i used smell as a material for making an artwork, revolutionary right?!?! it could easily turn into a cake and tea if i used it in a defferent way minus the sand and plaster lol.
here have a little peak at Goldswothys works, its so inspiring.
had to vent
ok so right now i have waited and waited for hours for someone and i am very unimpressed. why make plans and abandon them. its like if a worker turned up late for each day, by now you wouldve fired them.
so what is it that i am venting? the other day i caught my friend online, this is a friend that was there for a lot of the grief i have had, and we talked for about two mins. this is the first time in a long time tht i even contacted him and i was quite excited really. everytime i am online to talk and he is there to talk back (bc i would norm just talk to myself) he ends up saying the same thing, "an appointment came in, sorry" and i bluntly say "lates", and nothing more. just sitting here with the same abandonment but even worse bc he actually promised i would have this time to talk to him and tht he were saving it for me, WRONG.
is it a thing where i have been downgraded to aquaintance? being busy isnt always going to hold as a great excuse to stand me up.
it makes me realise that i have to take yet another "spoon of cement" TO HARDEN THE FUCK UP. happy days.
so what is it that i am venting? the other day i caught my friend online, this is a friend that was there for a lot of the grief i have had, and we talked for about two mins. this is the first time in a long time tht i even contacted him and i was quite excited really. everytime i am online to talk and he is there to talk back (bc i would norm just talk to myself) he ends up saying the same thing, "an appointment came in, sorry" and i bluntly say "lates", and nothing more. just sitting here with the same abandonment but even worse bc he actually promised i would have this time to talk to him and tht he were saving it for me, WRONG.
is it a thing where i have been downgraded to aquaintance? being busy isnt always going to hold as a great excuse to stand me up.
it makes me realise that i have to take yet another "spoon of cement" TO HARDEN THE FUCK UP. happy days.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
passing thought
ok so i just had a good boost to this shit night. my family dropped by after a shit night out on the town and made the night better, they are gone now but i havnt seen any of my family in about half a year. it makes me want to go home and i cant because of a lot of things, but i will eventually. gee they never stop talking so there is never a moment of awkward. which is good.
i have a fuckload of family and its abt time one of the buggers came to my house instead of the other way around. my friends in wollongong made me have an average to crap night out on the town but i can be assured that if family are involved there is no shit night cause if i end up catching up with them, i feel content. im a family boy but not enough to stick around with the bulk of them (which is virtually countless) on the south coast. i need to be near a gay community where i can find the (next) "one" and its all about the logistics of my homo lifestyle and how home on the south coast is nowhere near a good place to find my boy.
luv my cuz annie.
i have a fuckload of family and its abt time one of the buggers came to my house instead of the other way around. my friends in wollongong made me have an average to crap night out on the town but i can be assured that if family are involved there is no shit night cause if i end up catching up with them, i feel content. im a family boy but not enough to stick around with the bulk of them (which is virtually countless) on the south coast. i need to be near a gay community where i can find the (next) "one" and its all about the logistics of my homo lifestyle and how home on the south coast is nowhere near a good place to find my boy.
luv my cuz annie.
Friday, November 27, 2009
random blog of shit i fucking like, motherf**r
ok so i was assigned an assessment from this heaps tall guy. he said, loosely, "type about shit you like" but in a more composed way.
right, music. so if you didnt know, i freakin love the stuff. i only love a select bit of music comming from my own itunes lists really and dont listen to radio but i do search far and wide for my faves. right now it would have to be jeffree star. he is so empowering in that he has maintained his image, it takes a fuckload of dedication to be a man like him and to comment on pop culture by making his own brand of pop that cuts the middle man and tells us that we should be annorexic, influencing us to stalk people and commit crimes, i think thts genius and you would be a fool to follow. that is where the genius lies i think, its in the way you view him. i see him as a commentator of hollywood, raw, strong and everything dark that comes with the term "celebrity" whereas the common person could call him freak and fag. i love those planned crazies or, should i say, artists. oh look! there he is below.
photo by Austin Young.
i suppose it is the music that keeps me going daily and i have a very small amount of hobbies that suffice my boredom. another is cookbooks. in all of book world i cant see anything higher than a cookbook. screw novels and academic pieces, cook books are the shit. i cant respect a book if it isnt guiding me through beautiful cultural histories through food and sharing their tips on tastes. i love my ecclectic cookbook collection and i love how people have maintained their daily rituals based on love and sharing by cementing their recipes into books to share with the world. i think its one of the best ways we can look back at cultures, so sentimental and so delicious. genius is the person who invented the cookbook.
im currently waiting on a book to be delivered, its called "cute yummy time" by La Carmina and it has great tips on making japanese bento boxes into anime cartoons that are edible.
i would have to say i love margaret foulton, who, in the 70s, told australia about a handy recipe called a "faggot of fried beans", i kid you not. i own that book!
another thing i am passionate about is not capitalising my words in my blog posts and being absolutly spot on with grammar and stuff but i do like spelling, kinda. i think that if i was to worry too much about it then my writing wouldnt be as fluid and prob rigid and sucky. i mean, it is here for us to blurt stuff out right? no one expects a polished piece of literature that is profound by any means and so long as the mundane is a supportive beam to your writing you can claim it as a "blog" and i think i qualify three times over.
jerry springers "final thought" moment: dont eat that, its stale.
and, obligatory shout out to the "one fine gay" blogger who advised less doom and gloom in blog form.
right, music. so if you didnt know, i freakin love the stuff. i only love a select bit of music comming from my own itunes lists really and dont listen to radio but i do search far and wide for my faves. right now it would have to be jeffree star. he is so empowering in that he has maintained his image, it takes a fuckload of dedication to be a man like him and to comment on pop culture by making his own brand of pop that cuts the middle man and tells us that we should be annorexic, influencing us to stalk people and commit crimes, i think thts genius and you would be a fool to follow. that is where the genius lies i think, its in the way you view him. i see him as a commentator of hollywood, raw, strong and everything dark that comes with the term "celebrity" whereas the common person could call him freak and fag. i love those planned crazies or, should i say, artists. oh look! there he is below.
photo by Austin Young.i suppose it is the music that keeps me going daily and i have a very small amount of hobbies that suffice my boredom. another is cookbooks. in all of book world i cant see anything higher than a cookbook. screw novels and academic pieces, cook books are the shit. i cant respect a book if it isnt guiding me through beautiful cultural histories through food and sharing their tips on tastes. i love my ecclectic cookbook collection and i love how people have maintained their daily rituals based on love and sharing by cementing their recipes into books to share with the world. i think its one of the best ways we can look back at cultures, so sentimental and so delicious. genius is the person who invented the cookbook.
im currently waiting on a book to be delivered, its called "cute yummy time" by La Carmina and it has great tips on making japanese bento boxes into anime cartoons that are edible.
i would have to say i love margaret foulton, who, in the 70s, told australia about a handy recipe called a "faggot of fried beans", i kid you not. i own that book!
another thing i am passionate about is not capitalising my words in my blog posts and being absolutly spot on with grammar and stuff but i do like spelling, kinda. i think that if i was to worry too much about it then my writing wouldnt be as fluid and prob rigid and sucky. i mean, it is here for us to blurt stuff out right? no one expects a polished piece of literature that is profound by any means and so long as the mundane is a supportive beam to your writing you can claim it as a "blog" and i think i qualify three times over.
jerry springers "final thought" moment: dont eat that, its stale.
and, obligatory shout out to the "one fine gay" blogger who advised less doom and gloom in blog form.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Profiling Abraham
the boy that i frequently refer to is Abe, my soulmate that was taken from me in a car crash earlier this year. i suppose that profiling him would have to be inclusive of profiling me! i mean profile as in basic info, such as:
Abe
height: 6ft2
hair: brown
eyes: brown
religious: yes, jewish
hometown: long island, ny
personality/random stuff: intense, protective, strong, persistant, promise keeper, military boy, bouncer, proud gay.
Andee
height: 5ft7
hair: dark brown
eyes: hazel/green
religious: no, slightly spiritualist though. Aboriginal.
hometown: culburra australia
personality/random stuff: soft, humorous, wiz chef, affectionate, creative (sculptor/installation artist), loyal to the bone, family man, pacifist, gay as!
im sure you can gather that we were ultimately the odd couple, but i assure you, there could never be a more intense love. we were lovers that could have lasted a lifetime and to some extent is still here even if he is dead. i suppose what made us different was always fetishised by the other.
Abe
height: 6ft2
hair: brown
eyes: brown
religious: yes, jewish
hometown: long island, ny
personality/random stuff: intense, protective, strong, persistant, promise keeper, military boy, bouncer, proud gay.
Andee
height: 5ft7
hair: dark brown
eyes: hazel/green
religious: no, slightly spiritualist though. Aboriginal.
hometown: culburra australia
personality/random stuff: soft, humorous, wiz chef, affectionate, creative (sculptor/installation artist), loyal to the bone, family man, pacifist, gay as!
im sure you can gather that we were ultimately the odd couple, but i assure you, there could never be a more intense love. we were lovers that could have lasted a lifetime and to some extent is still here even if he is dead. i suppose what made us different was always fetishised by the other.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
can anyone decipher?
a boy keeps cutting me down. ive tried convo and he says im awesome then when i share anything he cuts it down. there is no reason for him to be nasty. im trying to be nice, what is wrong with him?
its still hard times and boys arent treating me well at all. they either ignore me or cut me down like now. im not going to get a boy-friend any time soon, this is so sad. people make me scared of life.
its still hard times and boys arent treating me well at all. they either ignore me or cut me down like now. im not going to get a boy-friend any time soon, this is so sad. people make me scared of life.
Monday, November 16, 2009
16th nov 09, still very overwhelming
today something is going to happen, something sentimental that most are just going to laugh at. i am going to the britney spears consert, and why this is important is that she is the only thing i had going for me once he died. she was always in my ears to try help me not walk into traffic and keep me up-beat so i didnt self harm. now, i am going to her consert tonight. its an intense time for me, it is even worse because i will be going alone, no friend wanted to join me.
tonight is really intense and i cant help but listen to all of the music abe sent me. after a very intense cry with slobby tears and snot i start to reflect. i need him. he told me he would protect me from harm and i am left feeling unhinged and unprotected, mentally and physically. i am going alone to a city where anything can happen, im frightened. 11 months on and time wont help, closure doesnt seem to exist, all i have are boughts of happiness of what we had before he died but its not enough for satisfaction. i wouldnt say i was suicidal but the best thing that could have happened was me getting crushed in that car as well.
i cant function properly and i dont see a time when i will stop crying for a decent period of time. you say it will clear up but i can prove that the wailing will continue, headstrong until death.
tonight is really intense and i cant help but listen to all of the music abe sent me. after a very intense cry with slobby tears and snot i start to reflect. i need him. he told me he would protect me from harm and i am left feeling unhinged and unprotected, mentally and physically. i am going alone to a city where anything can happen, im frightened. 11 months on and time wont help, closure doesnt seem to exist, all i have are boughts of happiness of what we had before he died but its not enough for satisfaction. i wouldnt say i was suicidal but the best thing that could have happened was me getting crushed in that car as well.
i cant function properly and i dont see a time when i will stop crying for a decent period of time. you say it will clear up but i can prove that the wailing will continue, headstrong until death.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
off beat day
i just put a load of laundry on, its 7.27am. that really says a lot. what am i reduced to at the moment? on a side note i love the weather right now and i am sure who ever reads this will think the same, unless they are kill joy's. it is really chilly and crisp at the moment like eating a slightly too chilled leaf of ice berg lettuce. i pulled the recycle bin in and cooked an egg with mushrooms for breakfast.
tonight i didnt sleep, no. i caught sleep yesterday from 5pm to 12.30am and lasted the night talking to catherine, ray and aristides. the lengthy chats lasted till 2.30am and the content was another attempt to piece together my shattered glass known as "emotions." tonight i asked, has anyone said something to you so beautiful and amazing it hurts? i bring this up because it is the answer to that question was what accompanied me to sleep at 5.30pm. one, how does anyone deserve to be told something so beautiful and transcending? secondly, why would it bring tears, pain and discomfort to the physical life? the dialogue in the mind is his voice repeating it over and over.
ray's answer to these questions were summed through his own personal experience and the answer is still to be clarrified. we ended with the universal saying of experiencing light after darkness. i figure this universe owes me millions of rays of light. do you think i deserve this? or am i just another person in this world who hurts? everyone hurts, what compensation have we to claim to this hurt? what compensation do you REALLY deserve?
i booked a hotel room for me and my sister to go to the pcd concert. in the early hours i called her and she was tired. i feel good giving her the ticket and i dont expect any re-embursments. love my sister. i love my boyfriend still, forever. he said he loved how good a brother i was.
if your reading please comment. if u have to use cliche in the comment, reserve your comment lol, i have heard it all. see u laters.
tonight i didnt sleep, no. i caught sleep yesterday from 5pm to 12.30am and lasted the night talking to catherine, ray and aristides. the lengthy chats lasted till 2.30am and the content was another attempt to piece together my shattered glass known as "emotions." tonight i asked, has anyone said something to you so beautiful and amazing it hurts? i bring this up because it is the answer to that question was what accompanied me to sleep at 5.30pm. one, how does anyone deserve to be told something so beautiful and transcending? secondly, why would it bring tears, pain and discomfort to the physical life? the dialogue in the mind is his voice repeating it over and over.
ray's answer to these questions were summed through his own personal experience and the answer is still to be clarrified. we ended with the universal saying of experiencing light after darkness. i figure this universe owes me millions of rays of light. do you think i deserve this? or am i just another person in this world who hurts? everyone hurts, what compensation have we to claim to this hurt? what compensation do you REALLY deserve?
i booked a hotel room for me and my sister to go to the pcd concert. in the early hours i called her and she was tired. i feel good giving her the ticket and i dont expect any re-embursments. love my sister. i love my boyfriend still, forever. he said he loved how good a brother i was.
if your reading please comment. if u have to use cliche in the comment, reserve your comment lol, i have heard it all. see u laters.
Friday, November 13, 2009
what i miss
i miss my big guy
i miss my boyfriend
i miss my love
i miss the spring in my step
i miss the life we could have had
i miss saying hubby
i miss making u laugh
i miss having ur emoitons overwhelm me
i miss the times i run home for u
i miss ur grumbling laugh
i miss that yankee accent
i miss ur eyes
i miss ur brick wall like dancing
i miss ur lankyness
i miss ur nose
i miss ur zest for religion and psychology
i miss our avyuin
i miss our favourite emoticon
i miss ur sensitivity
i miss ur d***
i miss that u owned me
i miss the difference i had made to u
i miss holding convo, distracting you so i wasnt easily forced to sleep most nights
i miss constantly fighting myself so i could have you
i miss waking up to your phone calls
i miss lying to you abt u waking me up every morning bc i wanted to spend all waking moments together
i miss the tenderness
i miss the fact u could hunt and take me down if i ever ran away, smotheredness of kisses to boot
i miss ur instincts, stroking the screen because u wanted to touch
i miss your smell, i preserve it in the bottle u sent me
i miss challanging you into deep thoughts
i miss the heat of passion
i miss ur tears for my breakthrough's, whos gonna be proud of me like u were?
i miss the sense of unity
i miss the mood shift from happy to sad just by knowing ur there
i miss ur life and being a part of it
i miss making weird requests including the honey and apples
i miss the test tube incident and how it made you crack up
i miss ur protectiveness
i miss ur mum
i miss that we were to be family, moreso than we already are
i miss sam, whom ive distracted by mooing over the phone. hes an idiot, i love him too.
i miss tht i wont get to meet tommy and ray, and perry. it would have been nice to have a dad figure.
i miss the prospect of impressing ruth in the kitchen, i had a dinner plan already.
i will miss life if i dont move on, he said it to me. he wants the happiness to be in my life.
i miss screwing up so i could pull a puppy face and get my way
i miss the times we almost got caught, the thrill is an adrenaline rush, hmm
i miss ur faith and commitment
i miss disecting all that u said
i miss you disecting all that i said comming up with the most whacked conclusion
i miss saying 'love you' every day of my life knowing ur not around to hear me
i miss crying for good reasons
i miss giving myself up to you
i miss our connection
love, your bashert
i should have left everything for u, Abraham. i stupidly chose where i am right now
i miss my boyfriend
i miss my love
i miss the spring in my step
i miss the life we could have had
i miss saying hubby
i miss making u laugh
i miss having ur emoitons overwhelm me
i miss the times i run home for u
i miss ur grumbling laugh
i miss that yankee accent
i miss ur eyes
i miss ur brick wall like dancing
i miss ur lankyness
i miss ur nose
i miss ur zest for religion and psychology
i miss our avyuin
i miss our favourite emoticon
i miss ur sensitivity
i miss ur d***
i miss that u owned me
i miss the difference i had made to u
i miss holding convo, distracting you so i wasnt easily forced to sleep most nights
i miss constantly fighting myself so i could have you
i miss waking up to your phone calls
i miss lying to you abt u waking me up every morning bc i wanted to spend all waking moments together
i miss the tenderness
i miss the fact u could hunt and take me down if i ever ran away, smotheredness of kisses to boot
i miss ur instincts, stroking the screen because u wanted to touch
i miss your smell, i preserve it in the bottle u sent me
i miss challanging you into deep thoughts
i miss the heat of passion
i miss ur tears for my breakthrough's, whos gonna be proud of me like u were?
i miss the sense of unity
i miss the mood shift from happy to sad just by knowing ur there
i miss ur life and being a part of it
i miss making weird requests including the honey and apples
i miss the test tube incident and how it made you crack up
i miss ur protectiveness
i miss ur mum
i miss that we were to be family, moreso than we already are
i miss sam, whom ive distracted by mooing over the phone. hes an idiot, i love him too.
i miss tht i wont get to meet tommy and ray, and perry. it would have been nice to have a dad figure.
i miss the prospect of impressing ruth in the kitchen, i had a dinner plan already.
i will miss life if i dont move on, he said it to me. he wants the happiness to be in my life.
i miss screwing up so i could pull a puppy face and get my way
i miss the times we almost got caught, the thrill is an adrenaline rush, hmm
i miss ur faith and commitment
i miss disecting all that u said
i miss you disecting all that i said comming up with the most whacked conclusion
i miss saying 'love you' every day of my life knowing ur not around to hear me
i miss crying for good reasons
i miss giving myself up to you
i miss our connection
love, your bashert
i should have left everything for u, Abraham. i stupidly chose where i am right now
Monday, November 9, 2009
un-experience
i find myself giving advice to a person who has not even seen the tip of the iceberg that is gay-world. i stop and think "huh? how is that possible, i know nothing really." and that is very very true. i feel like "experience" means an extensive list of lovers (term love used very (no extremely) loosely) and a repertoire of sexual positions in a back catalogue of experience. i guess the thing is, why is he asking?
he (will not be named) is in a relationship with a girl who has reconcilled with the fact that he is "bi" and i can safely say the boy is a biiiiiiiig gay. he wants to break up with her but he is morbidly cowardice. the biggest reason he could find to tell me for staying with her was that she had taken his cats and is looking after them. guys reading this im sure ur laughing or at least smirking or coughing "loser" into your fist, because i am. i realise that i have the luxury of being where i am, that is, out! hes gently taking the steps and doing himself a whole deal of harm being in this very strange relationship.
if u wanted to know the girl, she is my ex housemate and "friend" from far back in highschool and i really couldnt see the relationship of this masculine girl and feminine man come together, no, wait...
(straight in reverse?)
thank goodness i know myself so well that i dont allow myself to deal with extra curricular relationships that tell me which gender that i should consumate love with. he has far more limited experience than me but i beg to differ in some respect. lets break it off into personalities...
andee: gay male, slow and steady, ready for a long term relationship, holding off sex for a good boy.
he (hah u thought i woulda given the name): ??? male, promiscuous, cum whore who really is looking for a good bang.
he told me he needed an experienced man and hinted tht maybe i am not the one to talk to, wow, im so sorry tht i am not going out and getting my daily fuck after my morning coffee for research purposes so that my friend could have guidance. i think ill move at my own pace. sex is not just sex, it is a highly personal thing.
i have reclaimed my virginity but i think i always was because of a technicality. interested in the story? maybe in the next blog...
he (will not be named) is in a relationship with a girl who has reconcilled with the fact that he is "bi" and i can safely say the boy is a biiiiiiiig gay. he wants to break up with her but he is morbidly cowardice. the biggest reason he could find to tell me for staying with her was that she had taken his cats and is looking after them. guys reading this im sure ur laughing or at least smirking or coughing "loser" into your fist, because i am. i realise that i have the luxury of being where i am, that is, out! hes gently taking the steps and doing himself a whole deal of harm being in this very strange relationship.
if u wanted to know the girl, she is my ex housemate and "friend" from far back in highschool and i really couldnt see the relationship of this masculine girl and feminine man come together, no, wait...
(straight in reverse?)
thank goodness i know myself so well that i dont allow myself to deal with extra curricular relationships that tell me which gender that i should consumate love with. he has far more limited experience than me but i beg to differ in some respect. lets break it off into personalities...
andee: gay male, slow and steady, ready for a long term relationship, holding off sex for a good boy.
he (hah u thought i woulda given the name): ??? male, promiscuous, cum whore who really is looking for a good bang.
he told me he needed an experienced man and hinted tht maybe i am not the one to talk to, wow, im so sorry tht i am not going out and getting my daily fuck after my morning coffee for research purposes so that my friend could have guidance. i think ill move at my own pace. sex is not just sex, it is a highly personal thing.
i have reclaimed my virginity but i think i always was because of a technicality. interested in the story? maybe in the next blog...
biggest head in the southern hemisphere!!!!
Friday, October 23, 2009
humiliated.
as i am writing this i am teary. i didnt know i was that bad looking.
i went out to have fun tonight. i didnt know i would be humiliated in front of the whole of the wollognong queer scene. it hurts to feel this way and i am very unsure if i will ever find a guy to protect me from this.
it ws simple enough, i went out to a nightclub mainly to dance and i suddenly get dragged into this match making game. i was to ask some guys questions and to pick the best for a potential date. i asked some fun questions like, what kind of music do you like? if you were to massage me, where would you do it? and another i forgot. i was having fun and i picked number 2. he said something along the lines of he likes lady gaga and massaging inner thighs.
attractive enough right?
once i picked him, i got the prize of a dinner for two and he immediately said he had someone. if he did why would he play? its because im not at all something he would like. my friends captured this whole thing on a phone, my humiliation is cemented.
i got turned down and i am very sure it is because of the way i look.
it is too hard to be gay. i love the way i am but if it means i have to be a part of this, i dont want this. i am too fragile. i just suffered the loss of my boy. im just so hurt that i would rather rot away than put myself out there again.
i went out to have fun tonight. i didnt know i would be humiliated in front of the whole of the wollognong queer scene. it hurts to feel this way and i am very unsure if i will ever find a guy to protect me from this.
it ws simple enough, i went out to a nightclub mainly to dance and i suddenly get dragged into this match making game. i was to ask some guys questions and to pick the best for a potential date. i asked some fun questions like, what kind of music do you like? if you were to massage me, where would you do it? and another i forgot. i was having fun and i picked number 2. he said something along the lines of he likes lady gaga and massaging inner thighs.
attractive enough right?
once i picked him, i got the prize of a dinner for two and he immediately said he had someone. if he did why would he play? its because im not at all something he would like. my friends captured this whole thing on a phone, my humiliation is cemented.
i got turned down and i am very sure it is because of the way i look.
it is too hard to be gay. i love the way i am but if it means i have to be a part of this, i dont want this. i am too fragile. i just suffered the loss of my boy. im just so hurt that i would rather rot away than put myself out there again.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
racism: small rant.
first of all, i must discuss my identity as a preamble to this as for most people it is a neccesary element to my view. fair enough. i am Indigenous Australian, Aboriginal. i am also a gay man. i may not look particularly "stereotype" but trust me, my cultural history and beliefs are that of a contemporary mission based brood.
as an Indigenous person, or any person outside of the hegemonic white sphere, i have to battle some very unneccesary battles. it is a huge waste of time to go onto youtube where people openly
(insert minority) bash. i dont care what minority it is really and i will always maintain a view that tried to decolonise, be empathetic and even try my best not to reverse the discrimination.
does the internet give people strength, no, but it sure can break some heartstrings. i hear comments about Aboriginal people in passing and even gay comments more frequently. people are so afraid of me. i am not lurking behind your house in the bushes waiting to morally corrupt your way of life and overtake you so why maintain that authoritive look at the world?
fight discrimination, and be sure i am there with you.
as an Indigenous person, or any person outside of the hegemonic white sphere, i have to battle some very unneccesary battles. it is a huge waste of time to go onto youtube where people openly
(insert minority) bash. i dont care what minority it is really and i will always maintain a view that tried to decolonise, be empathetic and even try my best not to reverse the discrimination.
does the internet give people strength, no, but it sure can break some heartstrings. i hear comments about Aboriginal people in passing and even gay comments more frequently. people are so afraid of me. i am not lurking behind your house in the bushes waiting to morally corrupt your way of life and overtake you so why maintain that authoritive look at the world?
fight discrimination, and be sure i am there with you.
Monday, October 19, 2009
gay friends, why i need more: RANT
what i wanted to rant about in this post has something to do with having more friends, more specifically, queer/gay/whatever alternate lifestyle friends. this is just a few reasons why i dont have many and why i need a few, get my drift?
i am lacking in gay friend's for a few reasons. the smallest and most daunting part is wondering if i will try to change friendship into friendship with benifits. i dont like the fact that i could be very capable of that.
here is a little event where i totally miss the plot. i recieved a telegram from yonder that was lost in the mail just yesterday. sarah told me i broke a gay man's little gay heart one night out. and what really went on was a friendly little game i call manipulation, more to do with girl world than anything, *Regina George punched me in the face... it was awesome.* so back to the situ. i was drunk and very generous with my box of alcohol. i didnt manage to see a boy hanging around expecting those pending kisses. yes i feel guilty, but i am blocking that info in my mind as i am presently dealing with my own personal problems. but bless his little gay heart anyways. but maybe alcohol is the problem in that situation.
obtaining a male friend, a close one, who wouldnt cross the boundary, is something i would like to achieve. it seems hard with my track record. and i cant believe those people (in the past) who asked/assumed that i was attracted to my male friends when i obtained one or two. cant i just have a friend without being investigated for friendship incest? its worse enough that there was speculation of faculty incest (a term coined by sarah) last year.
why do i need one? thats simple. i am drowning in a barrel of straight people. straight female people, ones with boobs and stuff. even straight guys are just shit because of the situation i mentioned above. dont get me wrong straight people u are alright, i like you, but i want a queer friend, not just queer friendly friends. maybe a stocky tall butch guy that also likes to plait hair and dip into the art of lip gloss on occassion. i always had respect for those transgendered, drag queens (and miscellaneous) men. i respect them yet i havent obtained them as friends probably from the ozzing straightness from dancing with my straight girls where i am commonly percieved as straight.
ill make a gay friend application form someday, or just see wat happens during queer collective this year, maybe some friendships will be forged in stone, i dunno.
that is my rant!
laters
p.s. love me, hate me, say what you want about me but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek amy.
strange sleeper
today i woke at 6.35. if you know me it doesnt happen so often as i wake normally at 3pm (thats the average). last night i took two glorious pills that made me unwind, and yes, they are prescribed. this morning is not just a rare waking moment, it means so much more.
i have had a very unhealthy sleeping pattern for years now and it has been the worry of a lot of people around me. everybody has their quirk, mine is that i can last through the early hours easier than most and without a redbull. the history of why my sleeping is so terrible is actually a personal thing only reserved for the people i want to confide in. everyone is entitled to their secrets. my character is defined by the permanent smear of darkness in the creves between my eye and nose running under my eyelid dotted with age. if those could tell a story...
today, waking up early is somewhat a signifier of more than just a good nights rest. it is a positive outlook in that i can recover from the past and the nightly unrest. if i physically and emotionally choose to resume a normal sleeping pattern i know that with determination i would no longer have a zombie like disposition throughout the day. i could live in the daylight and reduce the stress on my mind and body. to adjust is to change my lifestyle. imagine if i were more aware of things around me and the clarity it could bring. i might even reach some better uni marks and have a small margin of achievenment moreso than i already have, hopefully 10% more lol.
alas, the emotional life is a hard and evil diversion to my slumber. if i werent so continually stressed in this life i would no longer say good morning at 3.30pm.
p.s. if ur reading all the notes and wonder where the fuck i pull all the writing from, it is not really uncommon for me, i have something like 47 blogs in myspace.
i will leave you with something totally unrelated to this blog, but cute none the less.
nawwwww
i have had a very unhealthy sleeping pattern for years now and it has been the worry of a lot of people around me. everybody has their quirk, mine is that i can last through the early hours easier than most and without a redbull. the history of why my sleeping is so terrible is actually a personal thing only reserved for the people i want to confide in. everyone is entitled to their secrets. my character is defined by the permanent smear of darkness in the creves between my eye and nose running under my eyelid dotted with age. if those could tell a story...
today, waking up early is somewhat a signifier of more than just a good nights rest. it is a positive outlook in that i can recover from the past and the nightly unrest. if i physically and emotionally choose to resume a normal sleeping pattern i know that with determination i would no longer have a zombie like disposition throughout the day. i could live in the daylight and reduce the stress on my mind and body. to adjust is to change my lifestyle. imagine if i were more aware of things around me and the clarity it could bring. i might even reach some better uni marks and have a small margin of achievenment moreso than i already have, hopefully 10% more lol.
alas, the emotional life is a hard and evil diversion to my slumber. if i werent so continually stressed in this life i would no longer say good morning at 3.30pm.
p.s. if ur reading all the notes and wonder where the fuck i pull all the writing from, it is not really uncommon for me, i have something like 47 blogs in myspace.
i will leave you with something totally unrelated to this blog, but cute none the less.
nawwwwwmr and mr weis.
this clip is the ultimate in supplying the undersatnding of the way in which we worked, this is for ppl trying to understand how the relationship between abraham and i worked. this is an old blog from myspace i wrote a while ago. so load the vid, otherwise, the writing is null and void.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0E_fjT3ZMc
this is such a strong sentiment to what was going on in my world. the ambition of love, the want and the need is so embedded in this clip. i really was astonished at the power of dialogue and the associative emotions to words and such. it clarified so much by the men's gesture's and the power of feeling, that is, feeling that can affect even without the physical side of love. it is wanting and desire, belief and communication that can hold everything together.
in this clip the guys are in a natzi military camp, noting some past prevelance for my man i am sure because he is jewish. i cant quite explain but it is as if this were appropriated in our life. it underpins the modes of expression and visual landscape of distance and closeness which is astounding to me. that i can feel my guy, even if detatched, it is like some things in this world are born in seperation but somehow it is the closest and most conected thing that can happen. it is translated through an environment that deprives of the intimacy, yet the minds manage to throroughly effect via this 'want.'
i hope you could appreciate gestures like this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0E_fjT3ZMc
this is such a strong sentiment to what was going on in my world. the ambition of love, the want and the need is so embedded in this clip. i really was astonished at the power of dialogue and the associative emotions to words and such. it clarified so much by the men's gesture's and the power of feeling, that is, feeling that can affect even without the physical side of love. it is wanting and desire, belief and communication that can hold everything together.
in this clip the guys are in a natzi military camp, noting some past prevelance for my man i am sure because he is jewish. i cant quite explain but it is as if this were appropriated in our life. it underpins the modes of expression and visual landscape of distance and closeness which is astounding to me. that i can feel my guy, even if detatched, it is like some things in this world are born in seperation but somehow it is the closest and most conected thing that can happen. it is translated through an environment that deprives of the intimacy, yet the minds manage to throroughly effect via this 'want.'
i hope you could appreciate gestures like this.
the situ
i wanted all to know this about me instead of me shocking them when it comes time to tell them why my life is turbulent at best, why my attitude is blunt and bitter, understand this is a serious and brutal reality for me. so here it goes.
my boyfriend/hubbyman/bestfriend/soulmate and bashert has died
Abraham Allan Weis (june 6th 1988-january 18th 2009)
without any hessitation i would tell you this man was the love of my life, a car crash took him away from me. i will not tell you details. but one haunting and beautiful fact is during his passing, my name was the last he had screamed, he wanted me there, he wanted to live for me. understand that we have had this relationship over 10 months and it felt like i was set in life, that i had found the one for me. i was to go over to the USA to live with him for a while.
our goals and aspirations were crushed because of his passing, i have lost a significant part of my life and i feel numb and emotionally destroyed. sure i have a smile, but i smile because he wanted me to smile. my biggest supporter was Abraham. he would work himself to the bone for me, to buy that ticket to meet me in sydney late may this year. our first date was set in concrete, we were going to the pcd consert in sydney, the extra ticket now stands a testimant to what i cant have.
we were even going to wear blue and yellow in meeting at the airport (an idea he wanted to filfil of mine). cute huh. things like this are small gestures that clarify his love for me. we should have been the sickly in love type of couple, never afraid of our intimacy. what we have shared as a couple is beyond my expectations in what it is to be in a relationship. i could not believe the man i had, i worshiped him for all he is and i just wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life.... and i did, a short lived life, but i am pleased to have dedicated myself to him. i would move continents to be his and to just rest my hand on his chest in the midst of sleep to let him know he wasnt alone.
so please, do not make me repeat and re-live or re-tell this in a social situation
i have had all that could be said to me, said.
i know how to be strong, i have had a rough life, so dont underestimate me. i can cope.
i will cry and mourn for the rest of my life, understand that as a fact.
this song was the last anniversary message i ever got, our 10th
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=egA17G_2cIM
god i miss you
my boyfriend/hubbyman/bestfriend/soulmate and bashert has died
Abraham Allan Weis (june 6th 1988-january 18th 2009)
without any hessitation i would tell you this man was the love of my life, a car crash took him away from me. i will not tell you details. but one haunting and beautiful fact is during his passing, my name was the last he had screamed, he wanted me there, he wanted to live for me. understand that we have had this relationship over 10 months and it felt like i was set in life, that i had found the one for me. i was to go over to the USA to live with him for a while.
our goals and aspirations were crushed because of his passing, i have lost a significant part of my life and i feel numb and emotionally destroyed. sure i have a smile, but i smile because he wanted me to smile. my biggest supporter was Abraham. he would work himself to the bone for me, to buy that ticket to meet me in sydney late may this year. our first date was set in concrete, we were going to the pcd consert in sydney, the extra ticket now stands a testimant to what i cant have.
we were even going to wear blue and yellow in meeting at the airport (an idea he wanted to filfil of mine). cute huh. things like this are small gestures that clarify his love for me. we should have been the sickly in love type of couple, never afraid of our intimacy. what we have shared as a couple is beyond my expectations in what it is to be in a relationship. i could not believe the man i had, i worshiped him for all he is and i just wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life.... and i did, a short lived life, but i am pleased to have dedicated myself to him. i would move continents to be his and to just rest my hand on his chest in the midst of sleep to let him know he wasnt alone.
so please, do not make me repeat and re-live or re-tell this in a social situation
i have had all that could be said to me, said.
i know how to be strong, i have had a rough life, so dont underestimate me. i can cope.
i will cry and mourn for the rest of my life, understand that as a fact.
this song was the last anniversary message i ever got, our 10th
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=egA17G_2cIM
god i miss you
recipe for the perfect man (gay)
i have in the past encountered some of the things that constitute a good man, one to be in love with and one to keep forever. after social experiments (falling and being in love) and field work, i have concluded this as my perefect man. this is purely biased but glorious.
what you will need (in a man):
1. dedication.
2. induvidual strength.
3. a willingness to change, and remain the same.
4. be ready to personally challange your insecurities.
5. emotional and physical satisfaction.
6. empathy and selflessness
7. radar, no games.
method:
1. dedication can sometimes be a sacrifice. for example, if a man sacrifices simple things such as time just to be with you (assuming you are as well to him) then you will automatically gain the knowledge you are not taking him for granted. he will wake up that little bit earlier for you, sleep a little later after you fall asleep, and things such as this should be relitively consistant. if the man gives you a ring after numbers 2 to 7 you will also know, through its symbolism, that his entire dedication will fully reveal itself as "true dedication."
2. this man must have a strong sense of self. logistically he needs to know who he is and what kind of direction in life he is going. to involve you into this is a fundamental aspect of forming the relationship with him. induvidual strength can mean anything from security in identity traits such as sexuality, culture/religion and personality. to have his own independence means he is structurally sound, he is right for you.
3. from single to taken, the difference between being an "us" instead of an "i." your man will have to change his life path considerably to fit you in his life. change is a natural element of life. some changes that may occur are moving in with him which will reveal wether you are right together in an everyday setting. you may also observe your man sharing the same aspirations and personal goals in life that you have (eg children and pets). yes he may change, but do not take from your mind the traits of ingredient number 2, his personality and singular existance that you were so attracted to in the first place.
4. there has to be a sense of unity in your relationship, if you do not know (over a few years) most or all of your man's insecurities from the past and in the present and vice versa, you do not have your perfect man. a perfect man has scars, be prepared for that. this is where many tears and beautiful revelations about life can occur. if he confides in you, then you know you have his complete trust, it is another test of dedication, but it is not expicitly linked to being dedicated i.e. do not think that if he holds back an insecurity of his that he is not dedicated, it may be due to timing factors etc. be patient, be a shoulder to cry on and never forget a tissue and expect salt water tasting hugs.
5. of course, we get to sex. it is the fun portion of this recipe. whereas other parts of life in a relationship are emotionally dense. you should consider sex as both personal fulfilment and a chance to worship him by giving him various physical sensations. u know this man is for you if this portion of life is established as "making love" before it is called a "sexual act." sure in the begining it is fun, exciting and new, but once love making is reached, you know the recipe is going right. worship his pee pee and yes, if u feel the need, use a condom. and always ask about his sexual history, it isnt rude, it is a medical must. make a note of his desires and fulfil them one by one, as he should to yours. be sure to throw in a lot of dates beforehand, dont be a fucking hussie!!!
6. this is very simple. if encountering troubles he will always look at it through your perspective and try to work through it with you. each partner must be a safe place for the other, no continual emotional beating. the man that will place you before him is the one to have, the one to keep come hell or high water. if he is less than this you will see how genuine your relationship is NOT. your man, THE MAN, can keep your secrets and love you no less than before that secret was told.
7. after the love games of 1-6, number 7 refers to the excessive games that are placed on love. unfaithfulness should never be tollerated by you, if you feel so insecure you try your hardest to be in this relationship even with the continual games then you, in fact, are a weak person to sustain a relationship with. you probably should do a lot of internal searching to gain similar traits of that man you want to love. be on the lookout for signs too, he should be wary of your mood and you his. eliminate any games so u can get to the higher more mature state of love, a complete love.
my perfect man was my Abe
what you will need (in a man):
1. dedication.
2. induvidual strength.
3. a willingness to change, and remain the same.
4. be ready to personally challange your insecurities.
5. emotional and physical satisfaction.
6. empathy and selflessness
7. radar, no games.
method:
1. dedication can sometimes be a sacrifice. for example, if a man sacrifices simple things such as time just to be with you (assuming you are as well to him) then you will automatically gain the knowledge you are not taking him for granted. he will wake up that little bit earlier for you, sleep a little later after you fall asleep, and things such as this should be relitively consistant. if the man gives you a ring after numbers 2 to 7 you will also know, through its symbolism, that his entire dedication will fully reveal itself as "true dedication."
2. this man must have a strong sense of self. logistically he needs to know who he is and what kind of direction in life he is going. to involve you into this is a fundamental aspect of forming the relationship with him. induvidual strength can mean anything from security in identity traits such as sexuality, culture/religion and personality. to have his own independence means he is structurally sound, he is right for you.
3. from single to taken, the difference between being an "us" instead of an "i." your man will have to change his life path considerably to fit you in his life. change is a natural element of life. some changes that may occur are moving in with him which will reveal wether you are right together in an everyday setting. you may also observe your man sharing the same aspirations and personal goals in life that you have (eg children and pets). yes he may change, but do not take from your mind the traits of ingredient number 2, his personality and singular existance that you were so attracted to in the first place.
4. there has to be a sense of unity in your relationship, if you do not know (over a few years) most or all of your man's insecurities from the past and in the present and vice versa, you do not have your perfect man. a perfect man has scars, be prepared for that. this is where many tears and beautiful revelations about life can occur. if he confides in you, then you know you have his complete trust, it is another test of dedication, but it is not expicitly linked to being dedicated i.e. do not think that if he holds back an insecurity of his that he is not dedicated, it may be due to timing factors etc. be patient, be a shoulder to cry on and never forget a tissue and expect salt water tasting hugs.
5. of course, we get to sex. it is the fun portion of this recipe. whereas other parts of life in a relationship are emotionally dense. you should consider sex as both personal fulfilment and a chance to worship him by giving him various physical sensations. u know this man is for you if this portion of life is established as "making love" before it is called a "sexual act." sure in the begining it is fun, exciting and new, but once love making is reached, you know the recipe is going right. worship his pee pee and yes, if u feel the need, use a condom. and always ask about his sexual history, it isnt rude, it is a medical must. make a note of his desires and fulfil them one by one, as he should to yours. be sure to throw in a lot of dates beforehand, dont be a fucking hussie!!!
6. this is very simple. if encountering troubles he will always look at it through your perspective and try to work through it with you. each partner must be a safe place for the other, no continual emotional beating. the man that will place you before him is the one to have, the one to keep come hell or high water. if he is less than this you will see how genuine your relationship is NOT. your man, THE MAN, can keep your secrets and love you no less than before that secret was told.
7. after the love games of 1-6, number 7 refers to the excessive games that are placed on love. unfaithfulness should never be tollerated by you, if you feel so insecure you try your hardest to be in this relationship even with the continual games then you, in fact, are a weak person to sustain a relationship with. you probably should do a lot of internal searching to gain similar traits of that man you want to love. be on the lookout for signs too, he should be wary of your mood and you his. eliminate any games so u can get to the higher more mature state of love, a complete love.
my perfect man was my Abe
hello there.
hi readers.
i just thought it was about time i started an official blogging page. i have been writing blogs very addictively for the last 11 months on facebook now and i think its time to consumate the relationship i have with my online diary of sorts.
the theme of my blog is to open up some of my thoughts like many others here have done. it is gay themed so if you are not interested i suppose you dont have to read further. for those who wish to read, i will be discussing the gay lifestyle in a freestyle fashion, talking about whatever when ever it happens. most likely i will be talking about gay relationships on many levels.
one thing i suppose people should be exposed to is that i will be writing about a man by the name of Abraham (Abe). i lost him, my boyfriend, in a car accident around the same time of my blogging addiction and a lot of my blogs are about overcomming the emotional and physical obstacles that have occured. i am now 10 months into the grieving process and shall continue to find more about myself to write down.
hopefully, i will gain a lot of friends, a lot of amazing chats and a lot of followers that may learn from the issues i have faced.
i will be copy pasting some blogs to show you what i am made of. i hope you smile and cry and sigh.
p.s. my nickname is Pants so there is the overall theme of why my blog is titled as such lol.
yeah thats me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
