Monday, December 7, 2009

argh is all i can think of

this is very honest so if you dont want to read my truth, stop here. it gets intense and real.

there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.

ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.

im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.

i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.

obviously me and mum

i have one more bone to pick, its abt my mother. i cant describe my relationship with her. love and frustration are the elements that mostly describe what i feel with her. i wanted to note her down because she has compounded the trauma of grief by not being there for me. not just at the start of the year but my whole life. she is a single mother, doesnt work, drinks (during which she talks of her emotions) and expects the world of me, to support her. on january 18th i got news that my boyfriend died (along with his mother) in an intersection in the east of tennessee. i got the message from ray, abe's close friend and therapist. i almost put holes in the wall, screaming intensly and hurting myself without any care. i cant see the screen right now. so, why my mother is integral to this story is that she is the first person i called and cried to, obviously, she couldnt hear what i was saying for 10 mins before i mumbled it in between screams. i was in the house alone and she talked to me, told me not to do anything, but what i really wanted was for her to come up to me. it was only a 1.5 hour drive to me and she didnt bother. i dont know how many readers would actually empathise but it just made the situation more intense. she told me to come home but at that point i couldnt leave, i couldnt talk, i couldnt move. she HAD to come to me, its her fucking job. all of my life she has abandoned me and i am expected to support her. i am expected to work hard and be a bread winner so that she could live comfortably. i say FUCK YOU MUM. when i go home for xmas i wont be thinking "i miss family" i will hang around, drink, then come home and resume my wollongong life.

i am damn pinchable.
santa is very scary tho, like zombie santa.
the next blog will be something quite bipolar. we will see what endorphines the weight training will bring out.

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