there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.
ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.
im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.
i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.
obviously me and mum
i am damn pinchable.
santa is very scary tho, like zombie santa.the next blog will be something quite bipolar. we will see what endorphines the weight training will bring out.