Friday, October 23, 2009


as i am writing this i am teary. i didnt know i was that bad looking.

i went out to have fun tonight. i didnt know i would be humiliated in front of the whole of the wollognong queer scene. it hurts to feel this way and i am very unsure if i will ever find a guy to protect me from this.

it ws simple enough, i went out to a nightclub mainly to dance and i suddenly get dragged into this match making game. i was to ask some guys questions and to pick the best for a potential date. i asked some fun questions like, what kind of music do you like? if you were to massage me, where would you do it? and another i forgot. i was having fun and i picked number 2. he said something along the lines of he likes lady gaga and massaging inner thighs.

attractive enough right?

once i picked him, i got the prize of a dinner for two and he immediately said he had someone. if he did why would he play? its because im not at all something he would like. my friends captured this whole thing on a phone, my humiliation is cemented.

i got turned down and i am very sure it is because of the way i look.

it is too hard to be gay. i love the way i am but if it means i have to be a part of this, i dont want this. i am too fragile. i just suffered the loss of my boy. im just so hurt that i would rather rot away than put myself out there again.


  1. Rejection hurts at every stage of our lives. I don't think we can be confident enough to always feel protected from it's sword.

    Rejection, like loss, cuts us deep. Remember that. Your prior loss has cut you deep, and though to others you may apear healthier, or even healed, but inside you are very vulnerable.

    Try to remember this when you approach guys. Welcome the opporuntiy to practice of art of flirtation, and expect that the outcome might not be what you were seeking. But stay in the game, and carry something with you that is a reminder that someone did love you.

    Love will find you, but be open to it.


  2. I'm sorry that you that this continues to be such a painful time, but it is expected. You have experienced a significant loss. It would be nice, and comforting, if you were able to get some of his ashes. If not maybe you can create a memory box where you fill it with items that were important to him, and with some of your thoughts as well. This could be something that you can hold onto, and take out to remember when times are especially difficult.


  3. I do think we've all been there before. And I know from experience, I've been in your shoes more than once. Sometimes, not quite in as polite a manner...

    And that's the hardest part of dating, in any case. Different people fancy different things, so you just never know when you'll end up liking someone who doesn't like you back. It's one of the inherent risks of saying you like someone.

    But don't worry, mate. It'll get better. And it's always better outside the prissy queen club scene. They act more like rabid dogs than real humans most of the time. It's like some contest to see who can be the bitchiest.

    You're a handsome bloke, regardless, and you better remember that. :)

  4. We've all been there, god look at my photo and you'll see that I've been there a lot more times than you!

    Have heart, you're one of lives good people, your comment on my last post proved that. So no matter how hard it seems at the moment, things will get better.

    I dunno when, but it will, it can for me and it can for you.