Monday, December 14, 2009

popular gay

i think i mentioned being very attracted to my dead bf still in my last comments section and tht i would make a blog on it. (had to write that to keep it fresh in my mind)

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative. take that with you.

i guess i wanted to talk about popularity of the social kind. in my context, gay popularity. its a very long, arduous and sometimes sad journey. im not popular and i dont claim to be. i do however claim to be someone who values a really amazing friend. but im sad to report i have little in the way of gay friends or any one in the gay community to click with. thus, this blog.

what i have in my mind about popular people is personality and looks. personality in the way that when you speak to a person they want to speak more. to have a good personality is to give people a zest, a cheeky semi-flirtacious wit and to carry yourself with pride when in communication, minus insecurities. when i think of successfull personalities i think of blogs and online things like facebook and how they are popular. whether your online friends interact or comment on your blogs/stats is a good factor which shows you know someone out there has similar thoughts and you click well, and, if that occurs frequently you know youre doing something right and people enjoy you. its just rewarding, you know? its just a boost to your day.

im afraid i established this blog to get my feelings, my truths and my darkness into written form. i approched this whole thing wrong if i wanted to gain any readers. i often think "this is intense, no one will enjoy this" and that is fine because of the initial purpose of this blog. rule 1# no interraction and no popularity when spilling your emotions in an open blog. exposure of this material makes people ache. people pleasing is hard when you want to write honestly. im sorry for not having good inspiring blogs but im just not happy, and when i am its not noteworthy because it lasts a second. sorry.

right, to the looks department. i think its beyond blogs. in the gay world popularity goes with the good looking, the handsome, the average to toned, masculine boys. not to say im not masculine at all. ive always felt that image pressure is a large factor to why my personality fails, why i am afraid to talk to men, all based on several hours of self judgement in the mirror. now, cry me a river and whatnot and etc i know im a whinger. i buy so many products to help me be the best i can look but my motivation to look great stops when i see how the canvas is shaped. i seem to love myself enough to have amazing morals about controlling how my virginity will be taken and where my love is invested but i often wonder "is that a product of my lack of beauty? am i forced to believe in these things because i have no other choice?" the subconscious tells me many things you see and my mind gets bombarded with reservations. hes too good looking, hes better than me, he wouldnt give me the time. i think a lot and i wish i werent so bombarded with this.

i think the gay community want me to want to be like them, so one day i too can dance shirtless at a bar, and better yet, talk to a guy without feeling a lesser self worth. popularity is a vicious place to be but somehow you want and aspire to it. gay popularity seems so unhealthy but it comes down to wanting some level of constant communication just so you arent alone all the time. you just want someone to like you enough to text you every now and again, visit you and ask you out. its a pity it comes with having bongo drums for pecs and a six pack. its a damn shame that i too am a shallow piece of shit.

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative.

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