Monday, November 16, 2009

16th nov 09, still very overwhelming

today something is going to happen, something sentimental that most are just going to laugh at. i am going to the britney spears consert, and why this is important is that she is the only thing i had going for me once he died. she was always in my ears to try help me not walk into traffic and keep me up-beat so i didnt self harm. now, i am going to her consert tonight. its an intense time for me, it is even worse because i will be going alone, no friend wanted to join me.

tonight is really intense and i cant help but listen to all of the music abe sent me. after a very intense cry with slobby tears and snot i start to reflect. i need him. he told me he would protect me from harm and i am left feeling unhinged and unprotected, mentally and physically. i am going alone to a city where anything can happen, im frightened. 11 months on and time wont help, closure doesnt seem to exist, all i have are boughts of happiness of what we had before he died but its not enough for satisfaction. i wouldnt say i was suicidal but the best thing that could have happened was me getting crushed in that car as well.

i cant function properly and i dont see a time when i will stop crying for a decent period of time. you say it will clear up but i can prove that the wailing will continue, headstrong until death.

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