am i bluffin with my muffin? wish me luck

some thoughts here.

the first is about bluffing with my muffin. i dont have a vagina but i think i got myself into a bit of a sticky situation. james is the name of a guy i have mentioned when talking about a man i cant decipher. i think i might have mislead him somehow. he was, in this situation, my rebound. i will explain...

a few months after Abraham died i started to get a little stalker, james. the way he stalked me is through following my facebook comments to friends about going to gym to pump and combat classess. he then came to these classes and stood behind me. i did notice a new person in combat class and was kinda disturbed by the fact that a lanky first timer was standing behind me doing roundhouse kicks far too close to me. i didnt even know who he was at this point.

at university, there is a social/political group called allsorts that represents the lgbtiq community in the uni. i am a part of this group (loosely) and i turned up to one of the meetings. james was at this meeting and he was there for most of them and this is where all of his friends are. i dont have many friends in that group and still havnt managed to partly because of him.

so, now i know him. i start to ask him stuff and he blurted out that he followed me to the gym, he just admitted it. i was kinda into the fact that i had my own little stalker because, lets face it, i dont get much male attention at all. he turned up to other classes and again stood behind me. i told him i would go on a date with him just to suffice his need. actually, kinda two dates. the first was watching xmen, the wolverine one. he was deffinetly not in a condition to date and he looked miserable having come from a busy work day being a paramedic. he also forgot his glasses so him driving us through a highway was another bad idea. it was a horrible date, just horrible. it was quite litterally the first date i have had that was ridiculous and didnt encourage me at all in confidence. i left that date feeling confused. he is also a vegetarian and i accidently asked him if he wanted to go fishing.

the second date was something i might want to forget too. i invited him over to my house and cooked dinner and we watched movies. i was getting blasted off of all the liquor i had and the stuff he bought over. i had to otherwise i wouldnt have handled the night so well. we watched amityville horror and pinochio. we didnt actually watch pinochio even though it was on. i ended up making out with him for about 2 hours. we then slept (literally sleeping) together. he wanted to curl into me while we slept and it made me kind of uncomfortable. the fact is, i came out of an epic relationship and he is the one needing to be held??? plus, he is lanky and bigger than me therefore it felt awkward. we woke up, kissed more, and he left. i was left looking mauled with a lot of hickeys.

after all of this and so many times he has just stopped all communication and then he started to talk again i felt so confused and i didnt want him one bit, not after our messed date #1 and the second where i felt no spark and am afraid i didnt even get a hardon. ABSOLUTELY NO SPARK. i started to feel desperate and felt, and still feel, as though he was a rebound. i dont feel anything for him. we have absolutely nothing in common and i cant speak to him without him arguing with me. recently he came to the gym again when i said i was going to. he went on every piece of equip i did and came to my class. im so confused.

did the fact that i went on dates and kissed him means he is linked to me like this? will he just never stop with his on/off stalkerish persona? will he leave me alone?

damn my muffin.

the wish me luck is about the fact that i am going home on friday and wont have internet access for almost two weeks, well, not good enough time to write a blog anyway. i am going home to family, and, if you read my blogs, you know how i feel about family. luck me to death my two or three casual readers.

makeup

mkay. this blog has nothing deep about it, though i do like deep (...thats what he said). this blog is about makeup and yes i mean cosmetics not genetic makeup.

one of my recent cravings is to dabble in makeup, buy it, try it etc. my inspiration is joshua, a guy on youtube with the user name petrilude. i suppose he has sparked my interest in the superficial beauty secrets of women and drag queens alike. hes not raging or anything and looks beautiful in makeup because he has the bone structre to carry it well. what he specialises in is eyes, eye shaddow, brow shaping and colour combinations that make me extrodinarily jealous. i wish i could have a face for makeup but im afraid my face is far too masculine. when i shave i can see a five o'clock shaddow at lunchtime, seriously, i just squint my eyes and consentrate on the folicles, they will sprout. it isnt doing me any favours when i want to work with makep and means i would have to use a fuckload of concealer.

anywhooooo. i think my goal is to buy that concealer. i already know my skin tone in foundations which is medium beige. as a person with an Aboriginal and irish background how did i end up with BEIGE skin??? riddle me that, mother.

so, why makep? i love playing with makeup in general and am often watching my best friends use it so often. i want to and i am getting advice from petrilude. though, affording the makeup and working out the techniques is going to be another hurdle in my quest for a smoky dark eye and natural lip gloss, or even a flamboyant wing (that is just when you use liquid mascara to flick out the line from the eyelashes) with some shades of burgundy and brown. oh dear, i think if i were a good canvas i would deff try some drag out. my frame is similar to a little footballing, tanky, back liner. in essence, i look like a fridge.

i heart drag queenery, in fact, ive made out with one and it was fine. there is a bit of a story behind that one and i have pics. eek.

many tangents have been blown (... what he said again) so im just gonna refocus on buying makeup kits maybe. im talking eyeshadow kits but i need a lot of the foundation things. this is my DIY project over summer here in aust, then again, makeup in the head tends to be a bad idea esp if i am going out but then again i think my goal should be just to sit in my bathroom or something and try it all out and i could be ready for winter events.

another side note is that i have this recent obsession with making little cotton pom poms, like on the tops of beanies and i plan to make a giant mohawk of pom poms to put on top of my favourite beanie for a new winter trend. i made pom pom earrings for my best friend brenna for xmas so i had a bit of a creative workshop with myself.

thats it. and below is my inspiration... joshua *sigh*

popular gay

i think i mentioned being very attracted to my dead bf still in my last comments section and tht i would make a blog on it. (had to write that to keep it fresh in my mind)

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative. take that with you.

i guess i wanted to talk about popularity of the social kind. in my context, gay popularity. its a very long, arduous and sometimes sad journey. im not popular and i dont claim to be. i do however claim to be someone who values a really amazing friend. but im sad to report i have little in the way of gay friends or any one in the gay community to click with. thus, this blog.

what i have in my mind about popular people is personality and looks. personality in the way that when you speak to a person they want to speak more. to have a good personality is to give people a zest, a cheeky semi-flirtacious wit and to carry yourself with pride when in communication, minus insecurities. when i think of successfull personalities i think of blogs and online things like facebook and how they are popular. whether your online friends interact or comment on your blogs/stats is a good factor which shows you know someone out there has similar thoughts and you click well, and, if that occurs frequently you know youre doing something right and people enjoy you. its just rewarding, you know? its just a boost to your day.

im afraid i established this blog to get my feelings, my truths and my darkness into written form. i approched this whole thing wrong if i wanted to gain any readers. i often think "this is intense, no one will enjoy this" and that is fine because of the initial purpose of this blog. rule 1# no interraction and no popularity when spilling your emotions in an open blog. exposure of this material makes people ache. people pleasing is hard when you want to write honestly. im sorry for not having good inspiring blogs but im just not happy, and when i am its not noteworthy because it lasts a second. sorry.

right, to the looks department. i think its beyond blogs. in the gay world popularity goes with the good looking, the handsome, the average to toned, masculine boys. not to say im not masculine at all. ive always felt that image pressure is a large factor to why my personality fails, why i am afraid to talk to men, all based on several hours of self judgement in the mirror. now, cry me a river and whatnot and etc i know im a whinger. i buy so many products to help me be the best i can look but my motivation to look great stops when i see how the canvas is shaped. i seem to love myself enough to have amazing morals about controlling how my virginity will be taken and where my love is invested but i often wonder "is that a product of my lack of beauty? am i forced to believe in these things because i have no other choice?" the subconscious tells me many things you see and my mind gets bombarded with reservations. hes too good looking, hes better than me, he wouldnt give me the time. i think a lot and i wish i werent so bombarded with this.



i think the gay community want me to want to be like them, so one day i too can dance shirtless at a bar, and better yet, talk to a guy without feeling a lesser self worth. popularity is a vicious place to be but somehow you want and aspire to it. gay popularity seems so unhealthy but it comes down to wanting some level of constant communication just so you arent alone all the time. you just want someone to like you enough to text you every now and again, visit you and ask you out. its a pity it comes with having bongo drums for pecs and a six pack. its a damn shame that i too am a shallow piece of shit.

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative.

xmas time

hmm i think i wanted to give a quick run down of a typical family xmas at mine. what happens is i wake up and look at the little kiddies get their presents, especially my cousin ty who calls me buddy. i love the boy. hes getting so big now and hes starting to get so into motorbikes, he deff didnt get that from me.

ty being a grubby little boy. why are they happiest when they look like no one owns them is beyond me.

anyways, after a long morning of watching kids play with their new stuff, its time to clean and start cooking. im the head of the kitchen at xmas time. the fact is, my family wouldnt know how to prepare a good roast anything. they have no concept of seasoning and as pop like to say "i dont like my cows mooing" meaning anything remotely pink in a meat means it is bad. i suppose that is deff not a part of todays culinary culture, like, i dont think the values of past food practices like the overcooked meat is a good way to prepare anything today and by his standards pink isnt "proper."

so when ive cooked a fuckload (and i am not going to this year) i start drinking! yes, the sickly xmas season makes me want to drink, a lot. i end up drinking till 10pm norm and then pass out. good times. no chilldren in your face, lots of free space to roam around down at home and i can finally confide in my sister or cousin ashleigh about life. i know this xmas will be tough. last xmas abe couldnt call me and he tried so hard. apparently skype hated him on that day last year. it was really horrible not hearing his voice all day. i cried obviously and he managed to get my voicemails of me crying and i think he almost punched a new hole into his laptop bc he couldnt reach me at all. i hope those things are expelled into this blog and dont affect me during this xmas.

i made him a collage for xmas. i asked him what he wanted for xmas and he said he wanted me, so i gave him me in the form of a photo collage haha. he liked it! prob masturbated well that day lol. i hope he did!!!!

get all his energy out in that way. the thought gets me so hot. is that creepy?

anyways, that is xmas for me. i go home, i cook, i see kids open pressies, i drink until i cant feel my body and i get into some random shenanigans. all the while i count it as family bonding.

merry xmas my fellow drunks.

whis is this? what is that, honey? what are you doing?

picture tells a thousand words, to me at least. here is an old blog that i ranted out when i was bed ridden with my pelvis stuff...

it has been quite educational sitting here in bed semi-crippled watching back to back seasons of will and grace. i have realised i have very similar parallels to will, it is oh so strange. i know my empathy and scathing remarks are much more like karen's but there is the interesting thing abt straight female, gay male relationships. the difference is that i dont have my jack and i am not balanced out quite as much as will is.

first thing i see is that the dynamic of the relationship means that neither tend to get as much when being in a close proximity to each other. aka a tip to all female friends, DONT HANG AND CLING FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. it has potential to limit your and my sexytimes. thank fuck will and grace sorted that out. i deff try to keep a slight distance with female persons, the biggest reason is abt said issue. I want sexytime to happen sometime. i will not be a buttinski most of the time (or cock block) but deff will be if its going to turn foul. plus, who wants to adopt a hypothetical wife? not me.

how does one aquire a jack?

why do stright women have a habbit of dissapointment when finding out a guy (they see potential in) likes a guy? thats one of the biggest turn-off's any of my friends can have. *mini vomit* truly, if i were (agonising sentence to complete) one of those... things that like (ugh) women i think i would be a part of a football team and not in my current circumstance. we know what goes on in the former situation, dont we? group sex.
*currently haunted by having simones breasticles shoved in mah face*

tis a terrible fate for jayne (best friend) as she has the hips that bare a potential surrogacy. hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! but i promise, it wont be your egg. JOKES (but really).

in conclusion, women are fun and shit but one way to getting a boy is to look like a frail, bella, deer type woman looking for her power assuming, obsessive edward type. this means without gay bodyguard. though most circumstances its neccesary to have the guard, like the palming of the face incident at castro's. am i right ladies? am i right??

WHERE IS MY FRUIT BASKET? brenna (best friend), any failed man has failed only because of this. there was no fruit nor was there a basket given to me. a combination of the two is a thumbs up!

faggolah misses his boufhead

as i have predicted this blog is a bipolar flip compared to my last few.

tonight i feel romantic, though, there is no one to flirt or serve lol. listening to some very sensual music. t shirt by destinys child in fact. i feel Abraham to tell you the truth. lately i have used my memories of abe to help me when i have needed him the most. several occasions lately. as opposed to twiddling my thumbs while nervous i play with the ring he got me. my new housemate alana noticed i had a wedding band on. this ring he bought me is so precious. its like the unofficial engagement ring. its simple enough, its silver and has "love. laugh. live." etched into it. what a fucking sweetie. my big guy is kept in these momento's. i grip my ring when i feel so scared and i have his mp3s to remind me of his low grumble and beautiful zealous expressions. though i am limited in the pictures/videos department. abe was seriously the most romantic man i have come across. he says its bc of his parents and he told me he always got advice on how to treat me from his mother. i suppose i am just longing for him. to use his expression "i want to be over you, under you and in you, hubbyman."

this video is one he cried over many times and told me this is how he sees me, how he sees us. please watch.



abe, you're the only thing i need tonight to keep me safe. i will sleep in the same position i always have been with you closer to the door. please, drag me to bed and then be in my dream. i dont ask often but please be in my dream. its only fair.

paranormal coincidence

i saw the movie today and it impressed me on more than one level. i found that it spoke to my past. now, you wonder what i have to do with hauntings, deamons, spirits and late night shenanigans. i will tell you.

i wont spoil the movie for those who havnt seen it but there are several times where the lead female sleepwalks. i have the most intense goosebumps typing this out. i was a chronic sleepwalker when i was younger, not your average sleepwalker. i almost died several times. both incidents were in the bathroom doing the exact same thing, filling the bathtub and getting in. the first time i just laid in it with the water filling, mum heard, my aunt who lives with us heard and saved me. the second was not exactly the same because i didnt just lie in the bath, i tried to swim! seriously, laps. funny enough but the reality was i was young and asleep unaware of my body taking over. it doesnt stop there.

there was one episode so traumatic to me because i woke up in the middle of a paddock behind my house with mum and tresia (aunt) screaming at me to get inside. now, what was also frightening is the fact that the destination i was set for was my family graveyard. the paddock behind my house ends there and its exactly where i was going. i woke up and only remember the panic and me balling my eyes out. ive done smaller things like peeing in the wrong place, climbing walls etc.

ok im scaring myself now i need to stop blogging.

ill brief you on the demons and spirits past soon but im a bit scared right now. just know that i have played ouija so many times and have felt a spirit grab my ankle.

argh is all i can think of

this is very honest so if you dont want to read my truth, stop here. it gets intense and real.

there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.

ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.

im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.

i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.

obviously me and mum

i have one more bone to pick, its abt my mother. i cant describe my relationship with her. love and frustration are the elements that mostly describe what i feel with her. i wanted to note her down because she has compounded the trauma of grief by not being there for me. not just at the start of the year but my whole life. she is a single mother, doesnt work, drinks (during which she talks of her emotions) and expects the world of me, to support her. on january 18th i got news that my boyfriend died (along with his mother) in an intersection in the east of tennessee. i got the message from ray, abe's close friend and therapist. i almost put holes in the wall, screaming intensly and hurting myself without any care. i cant see the screen right now. so, why my mother is integral to this story is that she is the first person i called and cried to, obviously, she couldnt hear what i was saying for 10 mins before i mumbled it in between screams. i was in the house alone and she talked to me, told me not to do anything, but what i really wanted was for her to come up to me. it was only a 1.5 hour drive to me and she didnt bother. i dont know how many readers would actually empathise but it just made the situation more intense. she told me to come home but at that point i couldnt leave, i couldnt talk, i couldnt move. she HAD to come to me, its her fucking job. all of my life she has abandoned me and i am expected to support her. i am expected to work hard and be a bread winner so that she could live comfortably. i say FUCK YOU MUM. when i go home for xmas i wont be thinking "i miss family" i will hang around, drink, then come home and resume my wollongong life.

i am damn pinchable.

santa is very scary tho, like zombie santa.

the next blog will be something quite bipolar. we will see what endorphines the weight training will bring out.

technical virgin?

interesting story here. ill make it really short and sweet. so, i am always asking myself and re-validating the fact that i am a virgin, but, its not entirely true which is why i question it and have to reassure myself.

gah, i hate giving away the big secret before i tell the rest of the story but it is kinda important. i was 7, meaning 7 total years of age and in second grade if i remember correctly. so its not hard to figure out (followed by a gasp) that i lost my "virginity" at a young age, but i always wonder, was that really what you could call "sex"? the first issue that pops into the mind is "was the other guy far older, a sicko?" i would gladly clear that up and tell you he was the same age as me and it was deff consentual. it makes me a bit fidgity just retelling because i dont think people mostly understand that a person could be so curious at that age and actually go there. i remember feeling it, but, can not think if our bodily functions mimicked that of a grown man, this is where i draw the line and tell myself "i am a virgin." there was a sexual consciousness to the whole thing and i knew exactly what i was doing but i dont think it qualifies because of the lack of physical development.

since this i have not done any sexual thing with anyone. i guess i have developed a lot because i believe in morals such as monogamy and reserving myself for only one person. i treasure my inexperience at this point. i am 21, the years between the event and now has unexpectedly turned out in the healthiest possible way. its like the slate was cleaned.

what do you think, can i validate my claim to virginity?

traditions known: my installation

Traditions Known, 2009, is a work in progress which is based on an experimention with materials including plaster, flour, tea leaves and raw sugar and an already established foundation of working with basic foodstuff from my childhood. This work is at a point of evolution for me as an artist as I am reaching further into theories of colonisation, of Indigenous experience and most importantly, survival.


The title of the work ‘Traditions Known’ refers to the personal, political and cultural content of the work and traditions known by me personally which are limited to the borders of my youth in a mission on the South Coast. It is implied that what I know in the way of tradition doesn’t extend beyond the borders of mission life, influenced by the Protection Policies including Assimilation. I feel that it should be stated that these policies in our history affects Indigenous peoples now. I represent a contemporary voice that is disconnected from spirituality and is confronted by the culture of homogenised white Australia. I see the personal as the political as it is my right to my Indigenous identity and this work cements the claim.
Post-colonial survival in Australia has been the major influence for my materials and the physical manifestation of my ideas. It is the period of the post-colonial world that has established Australian identities which is so important in defining my identity. My work focuses on food culture as a major influence in our identities and a major influence in our everyday life. The rationing of food underpins the Indigenous experience in Australia and was the basis of survival in Australia as a colonised nation. What is most interesting for me is that this particular food culture colonised the Indigenous diet in many ways. The livelihood in the missions depended on items such as flour, tea and off-cuts of meat which assimilated and integrated into the traditional diets. Indigenous food culture has not impacted so heavily on European culture because of the imbedded Eurocentric views that impacted on settler survival in the Australian landscape.

Through a minimalist aesthetic and a performance ritual I placed the work in a grid like pattern on the floor, which also references earlier weaving works that I have created. The installation is a way of communicating more with less, survival with bare essentials and an environment in which the audience can view one of many contemporary Indigenous experiences.

below: Andrew Farrell Traditions Known (2009). plaster, flour, tea leaves, raw sugar. 160 x 57 cm.
 

silent side

ok so i had a random thought towards my own personality, i feel that within my best friend trio i am deff the most quiet. i get along with people ok but my two friends are girls and they are quite different from me and tend to get better responses from people when becoming friends. i mean, they make friends better than i do all the time and it doesnt make me bitter but i just notice it.

i suppose (and im not crying abt prejudice) that it has been a part of being gay, on several levels. back at home i would never be able to make friends like my now best friends do, it wasnt encouraged bc im a boy, that is, to be comforting in ways like hugs or being affectionate to people full stop. i cant really hug people and i cant seem to actually make close friends bc of little things like this and it is also about how that has affected my body language and so on (a chain of events). this closed area of my personality isnt completely lost mind you, i still manage to be affectionate to people i know are welcoming of it, i just cant understand who else out there i can do it to. im worried about boundaries, i am worried about getting myself into a place where i can be physically hurt. i dont wnt to make the wrong mistake and be affectionate towards a guy who beats me up after telling me hes straight. im just so worried all the time.

i suppose i am protecting myself to some extent but im not getting better at making friends no matter what the sexuality unless one person decides that they like, include me and text me once in a while. my poor phone is lonely.   

on a side note i took my best friend (who it is no issue to hug) to the airport in sydney to send her off to the UK, my little jayne is going to come bck full of british foods and look like a plump bridget jones. we do this ritual that when we are at the airport, we must spray and check out all of the perfumes (tester bottles) of the big expensive brand names, now i smell like EVERYTHING!

here, have this song my friend. its actually "when your body is talking"


cassie when your body talking

ciara

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