secks

----------------------------------------this blog has nothing to do with anything

i found this video and it makes me laugh till i cry no matter how many times i watch it.



oh boy, i am so excited. im having a dinner party soon for my new queers. EAGLE is one of them. im going to flirt my balls off. im going to make them apple martinis and some nachos so we can watch horror movies. i hope he and i will snuggle... but, there is one thing, he might like my housemate instead. i promised myself i wouldnt be jealous if he chose jason. the simple reason is one eagle said himself. it will be easier to live and have a relationship with a chinese man based on communication. he basically shot me down but im still really attracted to him. i know i will go through the issues of body image again soon and i am anticipating it during this paranoia abt eagle. also, he is 31, 10 yrs older than me. truth is I DONT MIND! tehehehe.

hey, im on facebook if anyone is interested. my name is andrew farrell and my picture is me with a green balaclava with a pom pom and me holding a drawn on moustache to my face. oh shit, im so dumb, its my picture here on blogspot too. ill keep tht dumbass sentence to remind myself of my dumbassery.

mardi gras fair day

i thought i would write what happened over the weekend.

well, to start off there was a 2 hour train ride from wollongong to sydney central. i met my housmate jasons friend belinda. they are both chinese international students and both so very queer. belinda is such a naughty butch, so she says. i think she will be just as good a friend as jason. i am not surprised that i have been so tollerant and patient when living with an international student even though the language barrier is so hard and it helps that i do a course that is based in cultural studies, im just a very curious person when it comes to foreign lifestyles.

it was a smoking hot day and the fair fay was in a park. the place screamed just as much queer as the mardi gras parade itself, some 3000 people of the gbltiq community attended. it felt like somewhere i was supposed to be and it just felt right. 80% of men wore very little, butch lesbians lounging about under the trees and drag queens "manning" the stalls hoping to god their foundation and concealer dont melt off with the amount of sweat being produced.

the fair itself was portioned into well designed areas. there was a corner for queer pet competitions (fair was extremely pet friendly) like the pet/owner "look-alike" competition. then there was a food area and to no surprise there was a million hotdog stalls, purposely placed so all gay men would buy and suggestively eat the dog (know what i mean?) and considering all the lesbians were stereotypically vegetarian or vegan they would eat in a diff area. I KID YOU, it was prob the most integrated area of the fair. snow cones were a must but also fucking expensive.

after one whip around we found queers from wollongong and sat and had our picnic and thank god it was under a tree. we were behind a stall of a sydney gay men football team which i so very drool at. solid, hairy thighs and footy socks are deff a weakness for me. BUT there was a familiar feeling abt tht team and i realised why, IT WAS MY RELOS TEAM, my cousin luke plays for them and surprise, surprise, he was there. its not a prob seeing as im mostly well known as being out but it still kinda ruined the horny distractedness of it all.

lets talk abt eagle. bad ass name right? hes so cute. i met him through other people in my group and have seen him maybe once before. now that i have awesome friends in the asian community im gaining access to a lot of interesting people and culture. he is another chinese international of course. flirting went on for such a long time talking abt preference in men, cultural stuff tht i was curious abt and random stuff. i invited him to everything that i like to do like gym and to my themed dinner party nights. he said he might bring his wooden chinese flute over (not a euphemism) and we can compare flutes bc i play consert flute. my mouth muscle has gotten a  bit tender so i wont be as good. he looks my age as well but it turns out he is 30, damn, jason and belinda are the same. maybe it is the west that looks old earlier. or maybe it is the grief that makes me look older. no matter what it seems that i am always ending up with people older than me, all of the men i have been with were older than me though abe was only a few months older.

time to go back to wollongong : ( the day was perfect really. too perfect and ended up making me feel what i felt in my last blog. im inviting eagle and belinda around soon for a movie night bc they are awesome and im hoping tht eagle was attracted to me. i mean, i got his number right?

tonight

tonight i dont feel strong. i feel guilty for having fun and i am trying not to punish myself so much. i cant help it. every time i have an amazing fun day i tend to feel mass guilt afterwards esp if it is to do with the gay community. i flirted and felt good, i was at the giant sydney mardi gras fair day for the first time and i swear i found the place by following the trail of glitter left behind from the gays. i even got someones number, but, i am here again with my own thoughts punishing myself with guilt. it isnt right but its happening. im so sad, and im sad for being sad when i have had the best day ive had in a year.

grief pants

hmm, a fun topic. this is a blog i posted for facebook friends. what is the message you take?




lets start of with something quite amusing, nothing to do with the blog but lets say its the calm before the storm.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:



"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"



now for the shit part... STOP GIGGLING!



what i wanted to communicate in this blog is that i am dealing with something that you are most likely not. i use the term "you" because i am not talking to any one person.



a lot of people think they have facts about me through the bits and pieces of information that are a result of grief chiselled into facebook, a trail that has impressed some kind of picture of me in your head. truth is, i have changed and thats a given however facecbook isnt a great source for solid information on the ways in which things have changed. i see facebook as a bi-product of information gathering seeing as it is definitely once, even twice, removed from physical reality. not so say it isnt good for communication, its great, but it doesnt detail some realities.



notice how my posts have decreased less in emotion though blog and stat form? well, the reason is simply that people piece these "facts" as solid pieces of information and prob only know me through it seeing as i dont actually have around 200 close friends that i talk to on a regular basis. it is a relief to come to my own realisation to stop doing it and it has deff decreased the amount of grief imposed onto my already sticky situation. kick a bum while he is down, you get the analogy. also, i think that i prefer not to talk up a storm is bc i have been conditioned to do so. it is the burden of being male or even the complex system of events in life which have dictated that it is not as freely accepted that i would be depressed or cry or heaven forbid, do it publicly. this is why there are recent campaigns for depression hotlines and mental health facilities to get men to call, participate and seek any form of assistance. men simply get the short end of the stick in expressing emotions. fucking society in general.



btw, the blog and stuff still exist and still deals with the topic of grief but i barely trust anyone with this information, and, thanks to facebook, i would prefer to discuss with people actually going through the ebb and flow of things occuring in this particular form of grief.



i hate when people are offended bc they arent the ones tht i would confide in but keep in mind, you have no idea what occurs in the grieving processes of a deceased partner. if you do, then im sure we can discuss the monthly progressions and digression in all of its eventfull/lessness. are there any "special" bereavement groups around? that would be the best thing you could communicate which doesnt breach a barrier of preeching your life philosophies when you havnt been (and overcame) this particular grief.



dont consider this blog as a passive bitch towards any one of you. if that is what you take from this blog then consider it a relatively selfish response. maybe you would like to whip up any form of drama from this? this is my space.

singles awareness/queer visibility day

can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

epic pants

i just found somthing quirky, someone has compiled a lot of internet pic thingies that all involve gay pants in one form or another (here)

well according to this blog (out of nowhere) i am writing about my title i guess. GAY PANTS you say? yes please. i dont know where to begin on this next thing i found. basically a guy pouring water on himself on a train and DONT FORGET THE GAY TRANCE MUSIC. ultimately, its all about the gay pants. its about how you wear them that makes them particularly "gay" but all in all i think its about being tight, low cut and plain fashionable as some gays tend to be. i would kill to be able to wear my pants like this muva but there would be less flash dance moments in train toilets, im sure.


Wet Jeans Train Ride from Playhard on Vimeo.


COVER ME IN GAY!

i didnt mean for this to go sexual but i suppose its what you get when your browsing for the word 'gay' and 'pants'.

the origin of pants to begin with is just a nickname given to me by my "hag" brenna. we dont say hag but it's there. pants has kinda stuck and im very happy to have that nickname. it must be the outrageous pants i wore last year in uni. red denim shorts, frayed at the ends, i think tht qualifies for epic nicknamage. so pants it is. whenever i cross paths with drunkets like myself (while we are drunk) it tends to blow their minds that my nickname is pants. i dont know why the intoxicated part of society adopt me as a best friend as soon as someone shouts pants and i respond.

below you will see a man that has out gayed my pants by a longshot. oh, adam lambert where am i to go from here if you have worn pants that looked likethey had been designed by dolce and gabana, sewn by carson cresley and had been tailored to fit you by sir elton john. it is so much gay in a pair of pants, agreed?

AND WE LOVE IT.

one last thing! oh there be more gay to be had, much more stereotype to feed the mind of queers that are happy to have a laugh but diligently remain PC. gay pants are quite extrodinary in this MADTV skit. oh i love the odd flamming man.

and for my pop loving rnb people, a beautiful korean woman BoA whos music i am falling deep in love with. she is a machine of a woman and i do hope there is another english album released.

someone elses life, but not really

if i dont actually have a life of my own i might as well live my life through other men, ones i want to be or ones who i think share the same values in life, and coincidently, remind me of myself.

Michael Novotny (hal sparks)

fictional character but one i wish i could be more like. he has a great deal of friends in the queer scene in pittsburgh and a mother that is a loud hag in the same scene working at a cafe in the district. one of the best things about him is that he attracts Ben, a college professor. their relationship is something i watch and live for only minutes at a time. michael is someone i envy so much. the only way he reminds me of myself would be his personality traits like creativity and his enduring goals for a relationship.


 
I DIE, JUST DIE WATCHING THIS minus the music at the end.
 
i ruined the plan not to write.

F to the M L

blogger isnt tht exciting as i thought it would be.

the diary writing is lagging and im not in the mood lately. even having a bad mood should inspire a blog but it just doent make me want to anymore.

i have zero amount of life to talk abt so ill prob leave this page empty for ages. once i have life worth talking abt i might just do it. i dont even talk much to my housemate based on the fact tht there is nothing happening.

FML, seriously.

oh life, ohhh life, buddy old pal

you come home from work and you got  bitch naggin at you to have some quality time with her! hah, thts what my housemate is acting like atm. im not her damn bf, she should go have her hissie somewhere else. bc i came home from mentoring all day, and gyming all afternoon doesnt mean im gonna come home sprightly and ready for eager chat, its not possible. i want rest and ima get it. she can be all boo boo, caus i dont care.

on a greater note, I JUST WENT BACK TO THE GYM. it begins!!! i just have to soldier on like i did last year and i will get back down to 70kg, as opposed to my current 100kg. see how dramatically different they are? well, thts what happened crying over abe for a year. imagine what else it could do to me!

even better note is i got new MAC makeup, wooooooo. happy boy i am. im a budding makeup artists you know.

ENDORPHINES, AHHHHHH : O

rant: the southern swastika.

ill let the images set it up first. written sloppy bc im overtired but i hope u get it!

provocative yes? i suppose it is moreso if you are an Australian, and furthermore, an "aussie". what is your first reaction when comparing these photos? there is so much history that i can talk about but i will try to make my point clear.

i have heard so many people over the last few years claim the term "aussie" as encompasing the white population of Australia. this southern cross (pictured) is a portion of our national flag and somewhat a cult symbol accompanying the term "aussie". the marketing of the sothern cross has become a brand for white Australia in particular and has become an invisible remnant of the "White Australia Policy" of the early 20th century. i say this because the southern cross is a visual justifiction of a persons belonging in australian society and it is, again, a part of the homogenous white culture. it is used as a means of justifying ultimate dedication and, through its wearers, the claim to supremacy in Australias cultural climate. in deciding who is and is not Australian, the wearer of this symbol doesnt realise it but they are taking the same mentality as with the "White Australia Policy" which was a political movement towards control over both Indigenous affairs and strict imigration laws. the southern cross is claimed initially as a sentiment of pride and patriotism but is called upon in the defense of the nation as soon as critical opinions surface, is it not our right (my right) to criticise my nation?

to mould the picture into one sentiment all you would have to do is replace "Australia" with "Germany", "southern cross" with "Swastika", "Aussies" and "White Australia Policy"  with "Nazis" and bring the context towards the mid 20th century. need i say more.

 it is a huge call to bring about comparisons but i will justify it with the knowledge that in order to not repeat history you must be very aware of your history. you must be aware of world histories, as much as possible, to have a more empathetic view of issues amongst your community and country, i believe. the age of enlightenment and industrialisation have caused so much in the way of current issues within Australias culture and we have no escape as we were founded upon the principles of the last 200 or so years. 222 years i believe it is this year!

my opinion of the southern cross is that it is used without care, abused so many times by the majority of its wearers. im a proud australian but i will never be a part of the marching tattoo bearers.

todays short story.

I CHANGED MY NAME UP. obv

today i did some mentoring orientation thing where me and my friend brenna looked after a class and ran the art studio with heaps of kids in the last yr of highschool.

i told her i dont care about talking about her ex's, i dont care about talking about love games and im bsically sick of it. i know its partly in spite for her not being around for me in the mourning and i deff think and feel that i am not her best friend anymore. a great loss i suppose, though, my general level of apathy is high and i dont care about anyone anymore. if its an average part of grief, whatever.

thank fucking god i wont be hearing a woman yap any longer about her stories of relationships, which she is mostly taking for granted. i suppose the men in it are also the same. at least i only attract the deranged, smart, stalker types *rolls eyes*

sorry note

i wrote this bc it was there and in my face all night, like writing down a dream to help me get a grip on what just happnd

Abe.

i need to say sorry.

im sorry for a lot of things. i was and am still very committed to you and i need a few things off my chest. i want to say sorry for everything i did wrong. you rescued me and i didnt cherrish all the moments i had.
i knew you had post traumatic stress and i am so sorry for the times i triggered it, for all the times that i made you worried and helpless bc you were on the other side of the world, and all to my amusement. it was tht time i played a lil joke about there being smoke comming from the kitchen and i had to quickly leave. in the end you knew but during you had a lapse and went directly to serious mode. it flooded back for you and i am just so stupid i didnt get it.

im sorry for the times when i didnt feel like making love. sometimes i dont ever want anything sexual to happen and i came into the relationship knowing this and recognising tht you are highly sexual and have those needs. im sorry for the times i said no, you told me it was fine but i know deep inside that you wanted to express love physically. im sorry about not meeting the standard.

im also sorry for challenging you sometimes and making you paranoid about losing me. i just needed to feel loved and owned so i challanged you. i never ever looked at another man without looking for your qualities and even sometimes imagining it being you. i couldnt cheat if i tried but im sorry about making you paranoid, i know how serious you take some of the jokes and i should have just never left the house with any intention to challenge.

im sorry that i wasnt in that car with you at the time of the crash, i feel so much guilt for not being there and maybe you wouldnt have hurt yourself as much trying to release your mother. i would have helped. im also sorry for thinking that way, bc i know you want me to live and love me too much to bear my being hurt, in any way.

im also sorry that i havnt  fulfilled your expectations of me beyond your death. the art, i dont ever want to be a part of again. the fitness and keeping my goal for loosing weight. it is all gone because of you. you aspired for me to live a succesfull life but all i have done is not at all close to those goals. i wanted to loose weight but i gained a tonne. im sorry that i let everything we aspired to collapse bc of my instability.

im also sorry tht i couldnt nd still dont believe what you always tried to convince me of. you said i was beautiful inside and out and you werent worried about the weight and looks. im sorry i didnt believe you. you know you are my number one in life but i dont think we could have changed it all in one year. we needed that time together. we didnt get it.

im sure things will flood back, esp the things i didnt do and am sorry for. im crying myself to sleep tonight bc i regret soo much its overwhelming and numbing.

tomorrow better be good.

(afterthought) just thought happy bc of you, you drive me crazy.