washing my hands of a toxic situation.

ok, this post is another small vent and also a question to my small number of readers who manage to look at my blog. advice is more than welcome.

my friend, bren, is currently dealing with a boy who is infatuated with her. this is generally no issue to me as that is what she is like, femme fatal all the way. but this one, its unhealthy. she is giving out the wrong message no matter how she is dealing with him and no matter what she does she goes about it in a very unhealthy way. her personality and logic are all wrong in this scenario. she says about the infatuation: "hes just a boy, i dont want to hurt him and still be his friend. i wont cheat on my boyfriend and i am never going to leave my boyfriend, but i want to let him down easy" now it might sound reasonable but what i saw the other night alters the meaning of her words.

by letting him down easy she merely means to not do much about it at all. the evidence is that, on wednesday night, she allowed him to take advantage of her submissive nature and that allowed him to sexually harass her. at that point a girl should be resisting but her "nature" says otherwise. she allows it. she knows that it feeds him and still doesnt do anything logical to stop it, yet, relies on those around her to deal. i dont particularly like seeing my best friend being sexually harassed but apparently she doesnt mind...

im not going to be drawn into taking care of her men problems bc that just gets me involved with straights in a level in which shouldnt exist in the first place, her fucking boyfriend should be the one to take care of this stalker, right??? im not going to get involved in the toxic straight games because that just diverts me from what is available out there, meaning MY BIG GAY MAN WHO I WILL LOVE FOREVER : )

opinions?

introduction to conceptual installation art

well, i have just finished my three years in the field of fine arts at the university of wollongong. my major was in sculpture studio with some extensive and grueling theory on the side, i minored in Aboriginal studies also.

i love sculpture and installation art, it has opened me up to a whole new way to express myself. i have always hated 2d forms such as painting and drawing, they never satisfy me. what i was looking for in art was a mode to express myself that explicitly involved the audiences participation in the work. in my opinion i find that art galleries are so demanding of people in the space, restricting the visitors with guards that oversee the safety of the work and the invisible barrier that buzzes when you are too close to it. it is too uptight, too.... boring.

installation works are more about interpreting a space and giving it a new meaning or, in some cases, drawing out what that space is in itself. it makes us more aware of our environment. i think more people appreciate an art work that is interactive to a certain extent, one that allows you to enter an environment and be affected by what the artist constructs. one amazing artist that i have seen in the last year was Yayoi Kusama, pictured below is her work "fireflies on the water" which i have seen first hand. she is an amazing installation artist and if u ever hear she is exhibiting near you, you musnt miss it.

i also love Andy Goldsworthy and his earth sculptures and installation art. he dominantly uses nature and site specific works which manipulate materials to its extrodinary potential, natural splendor if you will. he is more conserned with the eb and flow of tides, curves and spirals in nature and the impermenancy of his works. below is one of his works with reconstruced icicles, and to think this beauty only lasts for a few hours is ever romantic, dont you think?

what i have worked with in my on installation, to sum it up, is the Indigenous experience of the post-colonial Australian world dealing mainly with diaspora, survival and the subsequent contemporary condition for Aboriginal peoples in this nation. i have taken elements of domesticity (flour, tea, sugar) from Aboriginal reserves and communities bought together by notions of minimalism to construct an installation art work which hopefully will inspire people to break their (non-Indig) perception of Indigenous experiences as fixed within stereotype. a lot of the time i like to experiment with food and alcohol culture and its important contribution to observing cultural histories. thus, i make food art!

this floor work is an extention on my "traditions known" series

what this is is flour, tea and raw sugar in grids, then it has plaster bricks (some covered in bible passages) and a line of sand running through it. what you cant gain from looking at this is the vanilla smell that permiates the air, yes, i used smell as a material for making an artwork, revolutionary right?!?! it could easily turn into a cake and tea if i used it in a defferent way minus the sand and plaster lol.

here have a little peak at Goldswothys works, its so inspiring.

had to vent

ok so right now i have waited and waited for hours for someone and i am very unimpressed. why make plans and abandon them. its like if a worker turned up late for each day, by now you wouldve fired them.

so what is it that i am venting? the other day i caught my friend online, this is a friend that was there for a lot of the grief i have had, and we talked for about two mins. this is the first time in a long time tht i even contacted him and i was quite excited really. everytime i am online to talk and he is there to talk back (bc i would norm just talk to myself) he ends up saying the same thing, "an appointment came in, sorry" and i bluntly say "lates", and nothing more. just sitting here with the same abandonment but even worse bc he actually promised i would have this time to talk to him and tht he were saving it for me, WRONG.

is it a thing where i have been downgraded to aquaintance? being busy isnt always going to hold as a great excuse to stand me up.

it makes me realise that i have to take yet another "spoon of cement" TO HARDEN THE FUCK UP. happy days.

passing thought

ok so i just had a good boost to this shit night. my family dropped by after a shit night out on the town and made the night better, they are gone now but i havnt seen any of my family in about half a year. it makes me want to go home and i cant because of a lot of things, but i will eventually. gee they never stop talking so there is never a moment of awkward. which is good.

i have a fuckload of family and its abt time one of the buggers came to my house instead of the other way around. my friends in wollongong made me have an average to crap night out on the town but i can be assured that if family are involved there is no shit night cause if i end up catching up with them, i feel content. im a family boy but not enough to stick around with the bulk of them (which is virtually countless) on the south coast. i need to be near a gay community where i can find the (next) "one" and its all about the logistics of my homo lifestyle and how home on the south coast is nowhere near a good place to find my boy.

luv my cuz annie.

random blog of shit i fucking like, motherf**r

ok so i was assigned an assessment from this heaps tall guy. he said, loosely, "type about shit you like" but in a more composed way.

right, music. so if you didnt know, i freakin love the stuff. i only love a select bit of music comming from my own itunes lists really and dont listen to radio but i do search far and wide for my faves. right now it would have to be jeffree star. he is so empowering in that he has maintained his image, it takes a fuckload of dedication to be a man like him and to comment on pop culture by making his own brand of pop that cuts the middle man and tells us that we should be annorexic, influencing us to stalk people and commit crimes, i think thts genius and you would be a fool to follow. that is where the genius lies i think, its in the way you view him. i see him as a commentator of hollywood, raw, strong and everything dark that comes with the term "celebrity" whereas the common person could call him freak and fag. i love those planned crazies or, should i say, artists. oh look! there he is below.

photo by Austin Young.

i suppose it is the music that keeps me going daily and i have a very small amount of hobbies that suffice my boredom. another is cookbooks. in all of book world i cant see anything higher than a cookbook. screw novels and academic pieces, cook books are the shit. i cant respect a book if it isnt guiding me through beautiful cultural histories through food and sharing their tips on tastes. i love my ecclectic cookbook collection and i love how people have maintained their daily rituals based on love and sharing by cementing their recipes into books to share with the world. i think its one of the best ways we can look back at cultures, so sentimental and so delicious. genius is the person who invented the cookbook.
im currently waiting on a book to be delivered, its called "cute yummy time" by La Carmina and it has great tips on making japanese bento boxes into anime cartoons that are edible.

i would have to say i love margaret foulton, who, in the 70s, told australia about a handy recipe called a "faggot of fried beans", i kid you not. i own that book!

another thing i am passionate about is not capitalising my words in my blog posts and being absolutly spot on with grammar and stuff but i do like spelling, kinda. i think that if i was to worry too much about it then my writing wouldnt be as fluid and prob rigid and sucky. i mean, it is here for us to blurt stuff out right? no one expects a polished piece of literature that is profound by any means and so long as the mundane is a supportive beam to your writing you can claim it as a "blog" and i think i qualify three times over.

jerry springers "final thought" moment: dont eat that, its stale.

and, obligatory shout out to the "one fine gay" blogger who advised less doom and gloom in blog form.

Profiling Abraham

the boy that i frequently refer to is Abe, my soulmate that was taken from me in a car crash earlier this year. i suppose that profiling him would have to be inclusive of profiling me! i mean profile as in basic info, such as:

Abe
height: 6ft2
hair: brown
eyes: brown
religious: yes, jewish
hometown: long island, ny
personality/random stuff: intense, protective, strong, persistant, promise keeper, military boy, bouncer, proud gay.

Andee
height: 5ft7
hair: dark brown
eyes: hazel/green
religious: no, slightly spiritualist though. Aboriginal.
hometown: culburra australia
personality/random stuff: soft, humorous, wiz chef, affectionate, creative (sculptor/installation artist), loyal to the bone, family man, pacifist, gay as!

im sure you can gather that we were ultimately the odd couple, but i assure you, there could never be a more intense love. we were lovers that could have lasted a lifetime and to some extent is still here even if he is dead. i suppose what made us different was always fetishised by the other.

can anyone decipher?

a boy keeps cutting me down. ive tried convo and he says im awesome then when i share anything he cuts it down. there is no reason for him to be nasty. im trying to be nice, what is wrong with him?

its still hard times and boys arent treating me well at all. they either ignore me or cut me down like now. im not going to get a boy-friend any time soon, this is so sad. people make me scared of life.

16th nov 09, still very overwhelming

today something is going to happen, something sentimental that most are just going to laugh at. i am going to the britney spears consert, and why this is important is that she is the only thing i had going for me once he died. she was always in my ears to try help me not walk into traffic and keep me up-beat so i didnt self harm. now, i am going to her consert tonight. its an intense time for me, it is even worse because i will be going alone, no friend wanted to join me.

tonight is really intense and i cant help but listen to all of the music abe sent me. after a very intense cry with slobby tears and snot i start to reflect. i need him. he told me he would protect me from harm and i am left feeling unhinged and unprotected, mentally and physically. i am going alone to a city where anything can happen, im frightened. 11 months on and time wont help, closure doesnt seem to exist, all i have are boughts of happiness of what we had before he died but its not enough for satisfaction. i wouldnt say i was suicidal but the best thing that could have happened was me getting crushed in that car as well.

i cant function properly and i dont see a time when i will stop crying for a decent period of time. you say it will clear up but i can prove that the wailing will continue, headstrong until death.

off beat day

i just put a load of laundry on, its 7.27am. that really says a lot. what am i reduced to at the moment? on a side note i love the weather right now and i am sure who ever reads this will think the same, unless they are kill joy's. it is really chilly and crisp at the moment like eating a slightly too chilled leaf of ice berg lettuce. i pulled the recycle bin in and cooked an egg with mushrooms for breakfast.

tonight i didnt sleep, no. i caught sleep yesterday from 5pm to 12.30am and lasted the night talking to catherine, ray and aristides. the lengthy chats lasted till 2.30am and the content was another attempt to piece together my shattered glass known as "emotions." tonight i asked, has anyone said something to you so beautiful and amazing it hurts? i bring this up because it is the answer to that question was what accompanied me to sleep at 5.30pm. one, how does anyone deserve to be told something so beautiful and transcending? secondly, why would it bring tears, pain and discomfort to the physical life? the dialogue in the mind is his voice repeating it over and over.

ray's answer to these questions were summed through his own personal experience and the answer is still to be clarrified. we ended with the universal saying of experiencing light after darkness. i figure this universe owes me millions of rays of light. do you think i deserve this? or am i just another person in this world who hurts? everyone hurts, what compensation have we to claim to this hurt? what compensation do you REALLY deserve?

i booked a hotel room for me and my sister to go to the pcd concert. in the early hours i called her and she was tired. i feel good giving her the ticket and i dont expect any re-embursments. love my sister. i love my boyfriend still, forever. he said he loved how good a brother i was.
if your reading please comment. if u have to use cliche in the comment, reserve your comment lol, i have heard it all. see u laters.

what i miss

i miss my big guy
i miss my boyfriend
i miss my love
i miss the spring in my step
i miss the life we could have had
i miss saying hubby
i miss making u laugh
i miss having ur emoitons overwhelm me
i miss the times i run home for u
i miss ur grumbling laugh
i miss that yankee accent
i miss ur eyes
i miss ur brick wall like dancing
i miss ur lankyness
i miss ur nose
i miss ur zest for religion and psychology
i miss our avyuin
i miss our favourite emoticon
i miss ur sensitivity
i miss ur d***
i miss that u owned me
i miss the difference i had made to u
i miss holding convo, distracting you so i wasnt easily forced to sleep most nights
i miss constantly fighting myself so i could have you
i miss waking up to your phone calls
i miss lying to you abt u waking me up every morning bc i wanted to spend all waking moments together
i miss the tenderness
i miss the fact u could hunt and take me down if i ever ran away, smotheredness of kisses to boot
i miss ur instincts, stroking the screen because u wanted to touch
i miss your smell, i preserve it in the bottle u sent me
i miss challanging you into deep thoughts
i miss the heat of passion
i miss ur tears for my breakthrough's, whos gonna be proud of me like u were?
i miss the sense of unity
i miss the mood shift from happy to sad just by knowing ur there
i miss ur life and being a part of it
i miss making weird requests including the honey and apples
i miss the test tube incident and how it made you crack up
i miss ur protectiveness
i miss ur mum
i miss that we were to be family, moreso than we already are
i miss sam, whom ive distracted by mooing over the phone. hes an idiot, i love him too.
i miss tht i wont get to meet tommy and ray, and perry. it would have been nice to have a dad figure.
i miss the prospect of impressing ruth in the kitchen, i had a dinner plan already.
i will miss life if i dont move on, he said it to me. he wants the happiness to be in my life.
i miss screwing up so i could pull a puppy face and get my way
i miss the times we almost got caught, the thrill is an adrenaline rush, hmm
i miss ur faith and commitment
i miss disecting all that u said
i miss you disecting all that i said comming up with the most whacked conclusion
i miss saying 'love you' every day of my life knowing ur not around to hear me
i miss crying for good reasons
i miss giving myself up to you
i miss our connection



love, your bashert
i should have left everything for u, Abraham. i stupidly chose where i am right now

un-experience

i find myself giving advice to a person who has not even seen the tip of the iceberg that is gay-world. i stop and think "huh? how is that possible, i know nothing really." and that is very very true. i feel like "experience" means an extensive list of lovers (term love used very (no extremely) loosely) and a repertoire of sexual positions in a back catalogue of experience. i guess the thing is, why is he asking?

he (will not be named) is in a relationship with a girl who has reconcilled with the fact that he is "bi" and i can safely say the boy is a biiiiiiiig gay. he wants to break up with her but he is morbidly cowardice. the biggest reason he could find to tell me for staying with her was that she had taken his cats and is looking after them. guys reading this im sure ur laughing or at least smirking or coughing "loser" into your fist, because i am. i realise that i have the luxury of being where i am, that is, out! hes gently taking the steps and doing himself a whole deal of harm being in this very strange relationship.

if u wanted to know the girl, she is my ex housemate and "friend" from far back in highschool and i really couldnt see the relationship of this masculine girl and feminine man come together, no, wait...
(straight in reverse?)

thank goodness i know myself so well that i dont allow myself to deal with extra curricular relationships that tell me which gender that i should consumate love with. he has far more limited experience than me but i beg to differ in some respect. lets break it off into personalities...

andee: gay male, slow and steady, ready for a long term relationship, holding off sex for a good boy.

he (hah u thought i woulda given the name): ??? male, promiscuous, cum whore who really is looking for a good bang.

he told me he needed an experienced man and hinted tht maybe i am not the one to talk to, wow, im so sorry tht i am not going out and getting my daily fuck after my morning coffee for research purposes so that my friend could have guidance. i think ill move at my own pace. sex is not just sex, it is a highly personal thing.

i have reclaimed my virginity but i think i always was because of a technicality. interested in the story? maybe in the next blog...

biggest head in the southern hemisphere!!!!