humiliated.

as i am writing this i am teary. i didnt know i was that bad looking.

i went out to have fun tonight. i didnt know i would be humiliated in front of the whole of the wollognong queer scene. it hurts to feel this way and i am very unsure if i will ever find a guy to protect me from this.

it ws simple enough, i went out to a nightclub mainly to dance and i suddenly get dragged into this match making game. i was to ask some guys questions and to pick the best for a potential date. i asked some fun questions like, what kind of music do you like? if you were to massage me, where would you do it? and another i forgot. i was having fun and i picked number 2. he said something along the lines of he likes lady gaga and massaging inner thighs.

attractive enough right?

once i picked him, i got the prize of a dinner for two and he immediately said he had someone. if he did why would he play? its because im not at all something he would like. my friends captured this whole thing on a phone, my humiliation is cemented.

i got turned down and i am very sure it is because of the way i look.

it is too hard to be gay. i love the way i am but if it means i have to be a part of this, i dont want this. i am too fragile. i just suffered the loss of my boy. im just so hurt that i would rather rot away than put myself out there again.

racism: small rant.

first of all, i must discuss my identity as a preamble to this as for most people it is a neccesary element to my view. fair enough. i am Indigenous Australian, Aboriginal. i am also a gay man. i may not look particularly "stereotype" but trust me, my cultural history and beliefs are that of a contemporary mission based brood.

as an Indigenous person, or any person outside of the hegemonic white sphere, i have to battle some very unneccesary battles. it is a huge waste of time to go onto youtube where people openly
(insert minority) bash. i dont care what minority it is really and i will always maintain a view that tried to decolonise, be empathetic and even try my best not to reverse the discrimination.

does the internet give people strength, no, but it sure can break some heartstrings. i hear comments about Aboriginal people in passing and even gay comments more frequently. people are so afraid of me. i am not lurking behind your house in the bushes waiting to morally corrupt your way of life and overtake you so why maintain that authoritive look at the world?

fight discrimination, and be sure i am there with you.

gay friends, why i need more: RANT

what i wanted to rant about in this post has something to do with having more friends, more specifically, queer/gay/whatever alternate lifestyle friends. this is just a few reasons why i dont have many and why i need a few, get my drift?
i am lacking in gay friend's for a few reasons. the smallest and most daunting part is wondering if i will try to change friendship into friendship with benifits. i dont like the fact that i could be very capable of that.
here is a little event where i totally miss the plot. i recieved a telegram from yonder that was lost in the mail just yesterday. sarah told me i broke a gay man's little gay heart one night out. and what really went on was a friendly little game i call manipulation, more to do with girl world than anything, *Regina George punched me in the face... it was awesome.* so back to the situ. i was drunk and very generous with my box of alcohol. i didnt manage to see a boy hanging around expecting those pending kisses. yes i feel guilty, but i am blocking that info in my mind as i am presently dealing with my own personal problems. but bless his little gay heart anyways. but maybe alcohol is the problem in that situation.
obtaining a male friend, a close one, who wouldnt cross the boundary, is something i would like to achieve. it seems hard with my track record. and i cant believe those people (in the past) who asked/assumed that i was attracted to my male friends when i obtained one or two. cant i just have a friend without being investigated for friendship incest? its worse enough that there was speculation of faculty incest (a term coined by sarah) last year.
why do i need one? thats simple. i am drowning in a barrel of straight people. straight female people, ones with boobs and stuff. even straight guys are just shit because of the situation i mentioned above. dont get me wrong straight people u are alright, i like you, but i want a queer friend, not just queer friendly friends. maybe a stocky tall butch guy that also likes to plait hair and dip into the art of lip gloss on occassion. i always had respect for those transgendered, drag queens (and miscellaneous) men. i respect them yet i havent obtained them as friends probably from the ozzing straightness from dancing with my straight girls where i am commonly percieved as straight.

ill make a gay friend application form someday, or just see wat happens during queer collective this year, maybe some friendships will be forged in stone, i dunno.
that is my rant!
laters
p.s. love me, hate me, say what you want about me but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek amy.

strange sleeper

today i woke at 6.35. if you know me it doesnt happen so often as i wake normally at 3pm (thats the average). last night i took two glorious pills that made me unwind, and yes, they are prescribed. this morning is not just a rare waking moment, it means so much more.
i have had a very unhealthy sleeping pattern for years now and it has been the worry of a lot of people around me. everybody has their quirk, mine is that i can last through the early hours easier than most and without a redbull. the history of why my sleeping is so terrible is actually a personal thing only reserved for the people i want to confide in. everyone is entitled to their secrets. my character is defined by the permanent smear of darkness in the creves between my eye and nose running under my eyelid dotted with age. if those could tell a story...
today, waking up early is somewhat a signifier of more than just a good nights rest. it is a positive outlook in that i can recover from the past and the nightly unrest. if i physically and emotionally choose to resume a normal sleeping pattern i know that with determination i would no longer have a zombie like disposition throughout the day. i could live in the daylight and reduce the stress on my mind and body. to adjust is to change my lifestyle. imagine if i were more aware of things around me and the clarity it could bring. i might even reach some better uni marks and have a small margin of achievenment moreso than i already have, hopefully 10% more lol.
alas, the emotional life is a hard and evil diversion to my slumber. if i werent so continually stressed in this life i would no longer say good morning at 3.30pm.
p.s. if ur reading all the notes and wonder where the fuck i pull all the writing from, it is not really uncommon for me, i have something like 47 blogs in myspace.
i will leave you with something totally unrelated to this blog, but cute none the less.
 

nawwwww

mr and mr weis.

this clip is the ultimate in supplying the undersatnding of the way in which we worked, this is for ppl trying to understand how the relationship between abraham and i worked. this is an old blog from myspace i wrote a while ago. so load the vid, otherwise, the writing is null and void.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0E_fjT3ZMc

this is such a strong sentiment to what was going on in my world. the ambition of love, the want and the need is so embedded in this clip. i really was astonished at the power of dialogue and the associative emotions to words and such. it clarified so much by the men's gesture's and the power of feeling, that is, feeling that can affect even without the physical side of love. it is wanting and desire, belief and communication that can hold everything together.

in this clip the guys are in a natzi military camp, noting some past prevelance for my man i am sure because he is jewish. i cant quite explain but it is as if this were appropriated in our life. it underpins the modes of expression and visual landscape of distance and closeness which is astounding to me. that i can feel my guy, even if detatched, it is like some things in this world are born in seperation but somehow it is the closest and most conected thing that can happen. it is translated through an environment that deprives of the intimacy, yet the minds manage to throroughly effect via this 'want.'

i hope you could appreciate gestures like this.

the situ

i wanted all to know this about me instead of me shocking them when it comes time to tell them why my life is turbulent at best, why my attitude is blunt and bitter, understand this is a serious and brutal reality for me. so here it goes.

my boyfriend/hubbyman/bestfriend/soulmate and bashert has died

Abraham Allan Weis (june 6th 1988-january 18th 2009)

without any hessitation i would tell you this man was the love of my life, a car crash took him away from me. i will not tell you details. but one haunting and beautiful fact is during his passing, my name was the last he had screamed, he wanted me there, he wanted to live for me. understand that we have had this relationship over 10 months and it felt like i was set in life, that i had found the one for me. i was to go over to the USA to live with him for a while.

our goals and aspirations were crushed because of his passing, i have lost a significant part of my life and i feel numb and emotionally destroyed. sure i have a smile, but i smile because he wanted me to smile. my biggest supporter was Abraham. he would work himself to the bone for me, to buy that ticket to meet me in sydney late may this year. our first date was set in concrete, we were going to the pcd consert in sydney, the extra ticket now stands a testimant to what i cant have.

we were even going to wear blue and yellow in meeting at the airport (an idea he wanted to filfil of mine). cute huh. things like this are small gestures that clarify his love for me. we should have been the sickly in love type of couple, never afraid of our intimacy. what we have shared as a couple is beyond my expectations in what it is to be in a relationship. i could not believe the man i had, i worshiped him for all he is and i just wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life.... and i did, a short lived life, but i am pleased to have dedicated myself to him. i would move continents to be his and to just rest my hand on his chest in the midst of sleep to let him know he wasnt alone.
so please, do not make me repeat and re-live or re-tell this in a social situation
i have had all that could be said to me, said.
i know how to be strong, i have had a rough life, so dont underestimate me. i can cope.
i will cry and mourn for the rest of my life, understand that as a fact.

this song was the last anniversary message i ever got, our 10th

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=egA17G_2cIM

god i miss you

recipe for the perfect man (gay)

i have in the past encountered some of the things that constitute a good man, one to be in love with and one to keep forever. after social experiments (falling and being in love) and field work, i have concluded this as my perefect man. this is purely biased but glorious.


what you will need (in a man):
1. dedication.
2. induvidual strength.
3. a willingness to change, and remain the same.
4. be ready to personally challange your insecurities.
5. emotional and physical satisfaction.
6. empathy and selflessness
7. radar, no games.

method:

1. dedication can sometimes be a sacrifice. for example, if a man sacrifices simple things such as time just to be with you (assuming you are as well to him) then you will automatically gain the knowledge you are not taking him for granted. he will wake up that little bit earlier for you, sleep a little later after you fall asleep, and things such as this should be relitively consistant. if the man gives you a ring after numbers 2 to 7 you will also know, through its symbolism, that his entire dedication will fully reveal itself as "true dedication."

2. this man must have a strong sense of self. logistically he needs to know who he is and what kind of direction in life he is going. to involve you into this is a fundamental aspect of forming the relationship with him. induvidual strength can mean anything from security in identity traits such as sexuality, culture/religion and personality. to have his own independence means he is structurally sound, he is right for you.

3. from single to taken, the difference between being an "us" instead of an "i." your man will have to change his life path considerably to fit you in his life. change is a natural element of life. some changes that may occur are moving in with him which will reveal wether you are right together in an everyday setting. you may also observe your man sharing the same aspirations and personal goals in life that you have (eg children and pets). yes he may change, but do not take from your mind the traits of ingredient number 2, his personality and singular existance that you were so attracted to in the first place.

4. there has to be a sense of unity in your relationship, if you do not know (over a few years) most or all of your man's insecurities from the past and in the present and vice versa, you do not have your perfect man. a perfect man has scars, be prepared for that. this is where many tears and beautiful revelations about life can occur. if he confides in you, then you know you have his complete trust, it is another test of dedication, but it is not expicitly linked to being dedicated i.e. do not think that if he holds back an insecurity of his that he is not dedicated, it may be due to timing factors etc. be patient, be a shoulder to cry on and never forget a tissue and expect salt water tasting hugs.

5. of course, we get to sex. it is the fun portion of this recipe. whereas other parts of life in a relationship are emotionally dense. you should consider sex as both personal fulfilment and a chance to worship him by giving him various physical sensations. u know this man is for you if this portion of life is established as "making love" before it is called a "sexual act." sure in the begining it is fun, exciting and new, but once love making is reached, you know the recipe is going right. worship his pee pee and yes, if u feel the need, use a condom. and always ask about his sexual history, it isnt rude, it is a medical must. make a note of his desires and fulfil them one by one, as he should to yours. be sure to throw in a lot of dates beforehand, dont be a fucking hussie!!!

6. this is very simple. if encountering troubles he will always look at it through your perspective and try to work through it with you. each partner must be a safe place for the other, no continual emotional beating. the man that will place you before him is the one to have, the one to keep come hell or high water. if he is less than this you will see how genuine your relationship is NOT. your man, THE MAN, can keep your secrets and love you no less than before that secret was told.

7. after the love games of 1-6, number 7 refers to the excessive games that are placed on love. unfaithfulness should never be tollerated by you, if you feel so insecure you try your hardest to be in this relationship even with the continual games then you, in fact, are a weak person to sustain a relationship with. you probably should do a lot of internal searching to gain similar traits of that man you want to love. be on the lookout for signs too, he should be wary of your mood and you his. eliminate any games so u can get to the higher more mature state of love, a complete love.

my perfect man was my Abe

hello there.

hi readers.

i just thought it was about time i started an official blogging page. i have been writing blogs very addictively for the last 11 months on facebook now and i think its time to consumate the relationship i have with my online diary of sorts.

the theme of my blog is to open up some of my thoughts like many others here have done. it is gay themed so if you are not interested i suppose you dont have to read further. for those who wish to read, i will be discussing the gay lifestyle in a freestyle fashion, talking about whatever when ever it happens. most likely i will be talking about gay relationships on many levels.

one thing i suppose people should be exposed to is that i will be writing about a man by the name of Abraham (Abe). i lost him, my boyfriend, in a car accident around the same time of my blogging addiction and a lot of my blogs are about overcomming the emotional and physical obstacles that have occured. i am now 10 months into the grieving process and shall continue to find more about myself to write down.

hopefully, i will gain a lot of friends, a lot of amazing chats and a lot of followers that may learn from the issues i have faced.

i will be copy pasting some blogs to show you what i am made of. i hope you smile and cry and sigh.

p.s. my nickname is Pants so there is the overall theme of why my blog is titled as such lol.

yeah thats me.