GAY PANTS

if i were a mother and my blog was my child, it would be long dead.

2010-07-27T20:44:00.000+10:00

this is a self reflection on grief and who/whatever i blame, just a rant u prob dont need to read... not much positive, not much negitive either, mostly neutral. grey even.

what has happened? when was my last post, i dont know. what i understand in grief is that you have time then things are supposed to move. maybe my rhythms have synchronised with the rate of global warming. i have some sort grief menstrual cycle not to dissimilar to the movements and melting of antarctic glaciers. still depend on the left over chats saved on skype, msn and the pictures heavily, still (if not more increasingly) isolated and currently cant fit any of my clothes. its getting closer to the date when i get out of uni and assimilate into the workplace as well. the panic of that is enough to make me anxious, though, it doesnt take much to tip that scale. im a sensitive person.

ive tried hardening up. hardening has coincided with problems arising from gender expectations and rippled out into wider social ramifications. what i mean by this is that by being a guy i have not been encouraged by anyone to grieve out loud, there has been a curtain draped over all that has happened. its like ive missed my chance to reach out bc people think i have moved along. its well known that people around you outside of the immediate effects of grief move on in near lightning speed often not knowing grief still exists for the person left behind. back to the gender thing, statistically, for australia, men account for the majority of suicides and are notorious for not seeking mental health care. i blame gender roles, the expectation of men to maintain a solid stance and strength. irregardless of sexuality i feel like society has screwed men over in the psychological health department. you know, im a tough boy, i can deal... apparently. i live it and think what the hell is wrong with me i know better and understand that its ridiculous but still i am acting out my gender, filling a role i want to leave behind but is so integrated into the structure of my life that it has created endless mental battles back to back to undo it all.

currently i have isolated myself from the social world, from my family and friends. i go to uni and have a cloudy future. i cant say ive moved anywhere that is closer to somebody else at least. my own mind is fulfilling conversations i might have had with a social life, food supports the energy needed to function. its as though ive packed up and left for an island within my own mind most days. i still act out niceness and positivity for other people, pretty good at lying for other peoples sake.

content

2010-05-16T03:52:00.000+10:00

right off the mark im going to say, mainly, to myself, that i am not a person to need or want love lately. i know a secret about why this is so. its because i am becoming less responsive to other people, feeling that i am no longer out there for anything and anyone. i dont bother with men anymore, in fact, no human desire to love. uncovering a more asexual being without the prospect of a relationship without sex. i am in fact on the scene and i go out in my makeup and just sit alone. i dress to what i deem appropriate for a club and i go and sit. i sometimes look around but there is a television to watch so im good.

eagle hurt me in profound way, how much longer can someone suffer till their mind retrieves into itself and resides there for a very long time? the legend of michael myers worked it out just fine. forbid touch, deny pleasure, dont expect anything and go into a hollow mind and decorate it how you want it to be. chose to shower every 4th day and dont worry about the 7x a week take out because it is your body and mind and your own escape. go there as much as you want and as you need. listen to your own brand of music and dont follow those gay groups who act a certain way.

i love my fucking hair. i love my fierce makeup. i love my music. i dont love men anymore.

an all time new low

2010-04-25T23:54:00.001+10:00

ok. i havnt written down anything about myself for more than a month. that is because i have spiralled into self destroying depression and this is the peak of it. last night i played with makeup like i do all the time, though this time i thought why waste it? i went out to the gay bar.

i went alone. i got horribly trashed on everything and ended up leaving with strangers, drinking in the nearby park. this is not what i do. i threw a lindsay lohan and i regret it all. the reason i did it? eagle. eagle rejected me. i put myself out and felt so vulnurable and his response was lukewarm. he told me to be productive whatever that means. i took it to mean i am not going to get anywhere with him.

i am getting shades darker and am in too deep. my hair changed. all of the 2 yrs of abraham were like the length of my hair. i cried bc my hair held some memories, its silly to say, but its true. life is so overwhelming sometimes.

my hair and a vacant stare... what an emo lol

pants with only one leg is called a skirt.

2010-03-12T00:29:00.000+11:00

i want to start this blog with this:

I was five and he was six

We rode on horses made of sticks

He wore black and I wore white

He would always win the fight

Bang bang.

nancy sinatra, a beautiful woman. i am having an interesting time thinking about gender and where i fit. lately i have been in and out of both, in my manner, my actions and the way i speak. one second i am that boy, fighting, playing grand theft auto (to kill hoookers), weight training and more mumbles and grunts than chatty. the next thing i know im talking a storm, listening to the sugababes religiously, mincing and applying makeup to myself and my girls during a few cocktails. am i tough? am i submissive? will i let "him" win the fight, bang bang.

in my relationship with abe we know who was the submissive, me. i felt good taking care of him. there was the strange opposites attract thing but i dont like to align that with gender roles. my younger female cousin when she saw me wearing my hair in pig tails said 'that is girls hair.' i told her tht just because she is a girl doesnt give her automatic ownership of a certain way to look. i feel the same way about what role you are in a relationship. she tried to shoot me down.

gender is to a certain extent biological but moreso defined by culture. my own reflection is that either way i am presenting myself it is the way i identify that is the most important. i identify as male but even within that i feel a bit restricted to the ownership of masclinity. again, i dont own anything just because i identify with being male. you see my conundrum? this thing is going to last years. its the relationship to other people that limits my definition of the way i am because as soon as i say male they will have their own perception and "gender rules" programmed in. it would be much better if everyone shared my mind in this way.

being male is hard work for me, when i put a slight limp to my wrist i feel like i am exhaling.

a post needs to happen

2010-03-05T05:18:00.001+11:00

its almost 5am and i still havnt gone to sleep. im really yearning to have a soulmate to talk to. at this time abe would deff talk to me and tie off all of the loose ends of the day.

my body clock is absolutely fucked. i dont understand it this week, i sleep at the right time on monday and wake up fine, tuesday morning is the next time i got to sleep and wed is the same. now it is thurs at 5am and i still havnt made it. i managed to nap at weird times on tues and thurs and now my body wants to euthanise itself.

my housemate and several friends are always asking me to go out and drink. other friends are being let down easy where as cathy, the housemate, is relentless in her boredom and keeps asking me. i have a very non-bored life atm what with gym and uni and all she really does besides study is slob around. i have the gym and it fulfils me and i dont need any more excitement for the night and cathy just sits at home in her room depening on my sudden urge to go out. I DONT WANT TO. i dont need to, she does bc she is bored. i get it that she wants quality time and whatever but we fucking live together, i dont need to socialise with her every nanosecond of the damn day. ill find her a boyfriend and let her loose, thank fuck for that day. COME NOW. she still says hello every day. i feel like i am being reintroduced to her every fucking day. i know her, i know her well, i dont need 'hi' all the damn time. maybe she is just so clueless and cant begin talking any other way.

uni, oh boy! im doing this communications subject which is really giving me insight on the internet and concepts such as authorship and media. fancy that, my assessments are mostly to do a blog. im doing one right now, but, this is more academic so i have to use literacy tools (eugh). besides that all of my lectures revolve around society and culture in one way or another, one with humans:environment, humans:virtual world, humans:social realm. i am a 4th year and im doing a few 2nd yr subject meaning i get a total bludge. im used to 4500 word essays and these 2nd yr subject have a max 2500 and min 2000, so easyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

gimme a man to talk to and snuggle with right now please. below is one of Abes fave photos... we were so desperate to be like this photo. he even bought me the same necklace as that guy. i dont norm wear jewelry but yeah, for him.

secks

2010-02-24T02:24:00.000+11:00

----------------------------------------this blog has nothing to do with anything

i found this video and it makes me laugh till i cry no matter how many times i watch it.

oh boy, i am so excited. im having a dinner party soon for my new queers. EAGLE is one of them. im going to flirt my balls off. im going to make them apple martinis and some nachos so we can watch horror movies. i hope he and i will snuggle... but, there is one thing, he might like my housemate instead. i promised myself i wouldnt be jealous if he chose jason. the simple reason is one eagle said himself. it will be easier to live and have a relationship with a chinese man based on communication. he basically shot me down but im still really attracted to him. i know i will go through the issues of body image again soon and i am anticipating it during this paranoia abt eagle. also, he is 31, 10 yrs older than me. truth is I DONT MIND! tehehehe.

hey, im on facebook if anyone is interested. my name is andrew farrell and my picture is me with a green balaclava with a pom pom and me holding a drawn on moustache to my face. oh shit, im so dumb, its my picture here on blogspot too. ill keep tht dumbass sentence to remind myself of my dumbassery.

mardi gras fair day

2010-02-22T13:42:00.001+11:00

i thought i would write what happened over the weekend.

well, to start off there was a 2 hour train ride from wollongong to sydney central. i met my housmate jasons friend belinda. they are both chinese international students and both so very queer. belinda is such a naughty butch, so she says. i think she will be just as good a friend as jason. i am not surprised that i have been so tollerant and patient when living with an international student even though the language barrier is so hard and it helps that i do a course that is based in cultural studies, im just a very curious person when it comes to foreign lifestyles.

it was a smoking hot day and the fair fay was in a park. the place screamed just as much queer as the mardi gras parade itself, some 3000 people of the gbltiq community attended. it felt like somewhere i was supposed to be and it just felt right. 80% of men wore very little, butch lesbians lounging about under the trees and drag queens "manning" the stalls hoping to god their foundation and concealer dont melt off with the amount of sweat being produced.

the fair itself was portioned into well designed areas. there was a corner for queer pet competitions (fair was extremely pet friendly) like the pet/owner "look-alike" competition. then there was a food area and to no surprise there was a million hotdog stalls, purposely placed so all gay men would buy and suggestively eat the dog (know what i mean?) and considering all the lesbians were stereotypically vegetarian or vegan they would eat in a diff area. I KID YOU, it was prob the most integrated area of the fair. snow cones were a must but also fucking expensive.

after one whip around we found queers from wollongong and sat and had our picnic and thank god it was under a tree. we were behind a stall of a sydney gay men football team which i so very drool at. solid, hairy thighs and footy socks are deff a weakness for me. BUT there was a familiar feeling abt tht team and i realised why, IT WAS MY RELOS TEAM, my cousin luke plays for them and surprise, surprise, he was there. its not a prob seeing as im mostly well known as being out but it still kinda ruined the horny distractedness of it all.

lets talk abt eagle. bad ass name right? hes so cute. i met him through other people in my group and have seen him maybe once before. now that i have awesome friends in the asian community im gaining access to a lot of interesting people and culture. he is another chinese international of course. flirting went on for such a long time talking abt preference in men, cultural stuff tht i was curious abt and random stuff. i invited him to everything that i like to do like gym and to my themed dinner party nights. he said he might bring his wooden chinese flute over (not a euphemism) and we can compare flutes bc i play consert flute. my mouth muscle has gotten a bit tender so i wont be as good. he looks my age as well but it turns out he is 30, damn, jason and belinda are the same. maybe it is the west that looks old earlier. or maybe it is the grief that makes me look older. no matter what it seems that i am always ending up with people older than me, all of the men i have been with were older than me though abe was only a few months older.

time to go back to wollongong : ( the day was perfect really. too perfect and ended up making me feel what i felt in my last blog. im inviting eagle and belinda around soon for a movie night bc they are awesome and im hoping tht eagle was attracted to me. i mean, i got his number right?

tonight

2010-02-22T04:09:00.000+11:00

tonight i dont feel strong. i feel guilty for having fun and i am trying not to punish myself so much. i cant help it. every time i have an amazing fun day i tend to feel mass guilt afterwards esp if it is to do with the gay community. i flirted and felt good, i was at the giant sydney mardi gras fair day for the first time and i swear i found the place by following the trail of glitter left behind from the gays. i even got someones number, but, i am here again with my own thoughts punishing myself with guilt. it isnt right but its happening. im so sad, and im sad for being sad when i have had the best day ive had in a year.

grief pants

2010-02-18T05:13:00.002+11:00

hmm, a fun topic. this is a blog i posted for facebook friends. what is the message you take?

lets start of with something quite amusing, nothing to do with the blog but lets say its the calm before the storm.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

now for the shit part... STOP GIGGLING!

what i wanted to communicate in this blog is that i am dealing with something that you are most likely not. i use the term "you" because i am not talking to any one person.

a lot of people think they have facts about me through the bits and pieces of information that are a result of grief chiselled into facebook, a trail that has impressed some kind of picture of me in your head. truth is, i have changed and thats a given however facecbook isnt a great source for solid information on the ways in which things have changed. i see facebook as a bi-product of information gathering seeing as it is definitely once, even twice, removed from physical reality. not so say it isnt good for communication, its great, but it doesnt detail some realities.

notice how my posts have decreased less in emotion though blog and stat form? well, the reason is simply that people piece these "facts" as solid pieces of information and prob only know me through it seeing as i dont actually have around 200 close friends that i talk to on a regular basis. it is a relief to come to my own realisation to stop doing it and it has deff decreased the amount of grief imposed onto my already sticky situation. kick a bum while he is down, you get the analogy. also, i think that i prefer not to talk up a storm is bc i have been conditioned to do so. it is the burden of being male or even the complex system of events in life which have dictated that it is not as freely accepted that i would be depressed or cry or heaven forbid, do it publicly. this is why there are recent campaigns for depression hotlines and mental health facilities to get men to call, participate and seek any form of assistance. men simply get the short end of the stick in expressing emotions. fucking society in general.

btw, the blog and stuff still exist and still deals with the topic of grief but i barely trust anyone with this information, and, thanks to facebook, i would prefer to discuss with people actually going through the ebb and flow of things occuring in this particular form of grief.

i hate when people are offended bc they arent the ones tht i would confide in but keep in mind, you have no idea what occurs in the grieving processes of a deceased partner. if you do, then im sure we can discuss the monthly progressions and digression in all of its eventfull/lessness. are there any "special" bereavement groups around? that would be the best thing you could communicate which doesnt breach a barrier of preeching your life philosophies when you havnt been (and overcame) this particular grief.

dont consider this blog as a passive bitch towards any one of you. if that is what you take from this blog then consider it a relatively selfish response. maybe you would like to whip up any form of drama from this? this is my space.

singles awareness/queer visibility day

2010-02-15T03:39:00.000+11:00

can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

epic pants

2010-02-10T23:16:00.002+11:00

i just found somthing quirky, someone has compiled a lot of internet pic thingies that all involve gay pants in one form or another (here)

well according to this blog (out of nowhere) i am writing about my title i guess. GAY PANTS you say? yes please. i dont know where to begin on this next thing i found. basically a guy pouring water on himself on a train and DONT FORGET THE GAY TRANCE MUSIC. ultimately, its all about the gay pants. its about how you wear them that makes them particularly "gay" but all in all i think its about being tight, low cut and plain fashionable as some gays tend to be. i would kill to be able to wear my pants like this muva but there would be less flash dance moments in train toilets, im sure.

Wet Jeans Train Ride from Playhard on Vimeo.

COVER ME IN GAY!

i didnt mean for this to go sexual but i suppose its what you get when your browsing for the word 'gay' and 'pants'.

the origin of pants to begin with is just a nickname given to me by my "hag" brenna. we dont say hag but it's there. pants has kinda stuck and im very happy to have that nickname. it must be the outrageous pants i wore last year in uni. red denim shorts, frayed at the ends, i think tht qualifies for epic nicknamage. so pants it is. whenever i cross paths with drunkets like myself (while we are drunk) it tends to blow their minds that my nickname is pants. i dont know why the intoxicated part of society adopt me as a best friend as soon as someone shouts pants and i respond.

below you will see a man that has out gayed my pants by a longshot. oh, adam lambert where am i to go from here if you have worn pants that looked likethey had been designed by dolce and gabana, sewn by carson cresley and had been tailored to fit you by sir elton john. it is so much gay in a pair of pants, agreed?

AND WE LOVE IT.

one last thing! oh there be more gay to be had, much more stereotype to feed the mind of queers that are happy to have a laugh but diligently remain PC. gay pants are quite extrodinary in this MADTV skit. oh i love the odd flamming man.

and for my pop loving rnb people, a beautiful korean woman BoA whos music i am falling deep in love with. she is a machine of a woman and i do hope there is another english album released.

someone elses life, but not really

2010-02-08T20:06:00.003+11:00

if i dont actually have a life of my own i might as well live my life through other men, ones i want to be or ones who i think share the same values in life, and coincidently, remind me of myself.

Michael Novotny (hal sparks)

fictional character but one i wish i could be more like. he has a great deal of friends in the queer scene in pittsburgh and a mother that is a loud hag in the same scene working at a cafe in the district. one of the best things about him is that he attracts Ben, a college professor. their relationship is something i watch and live for only minutes at a time. michael is someone i envy so much. the only way he reminds me of myself would be his personality traits like creativity and his enduring goals for a relationship.

I DIE, JUST DIE WATCHING THIS minus the music at the end.

i ruined the plan not to write.

F to the M L

2010-02-07T16:08:00.000+11:00

blogger isnt tht exciting as i thought it would be.

the diary writing is lagging and im not in the mood lately. even having a bad mood should inspire a blog but it just doent make me want to anymore.

i have zero amount of life to talk abt so ill prob leave this page empty for ages. once i have life worth talking abt i might just do it. i dont even talk much to my housemate based on the fact tht there is nothing happening.

FML, seriously.

oh life, ohhh life, buddy old pal

2010-02-04T19:07:00.000+11:00

you come home from work and you got bitch naggin at you to have some quality time with her! hah, thts what my housemate is acting like atm. im not her damn bf, she should go have her hissie somewhere else. bc i came home from mentoring all day, and gyming all afternoon doesnt mean im gonna come home sprightly and ready for eager chat, its not possible. i want rest and ima get it. she can be all boo boo, caus i dont care.

on a greater note, I JUST WENT BACK TO THE GYM. it begins!!! i just have to soldier on like i did last year and i will get back down to 70kg, as opposed to my current 100kg. see how dramatically different they are? well, thts what happened crying over abe for a year. imagine what else it could do to me!

even better note is i got new MAC makeup, wooooooo. happy boy i am. im a budding makeup artists you know.

ENDORPHINES, AHHHHHH : O

rant: the southern swastika.

2010-02-03T06:29:00.000+11:00

ill let the images set it up first. written sloppy bc im overtired but i hope u get it!

provocative yes? i suppose it is moreso if you are an Australian, and furthermore, an "aussie". what is your first reaction when comparing these photos? there is so much history that i can talk about but i will try to make my point clear.

i have heard so many people over the last few years claim the term "aussie" as encompasing the white population of Australia. this southern cross (pictured) is a portion of our national flag and somewhat a cult symbol accompanying the term "aussie". the marketing of the sothern cross has become a brand for white Australia in particular and has become an invisible remnant of the "White Australia Policy" of the early 20th century. i say this because the southern cross is a visual justifiction of a persons belonging in australian society and it is, again, a part of the homogenous white culture. it is used as a means of justifying ultimate dedication and, through its wearers, the claim to supremacy in Australias cultural climate. in deciding who is and is not Australian, the wearer of this symbol doesnt realise it but they are taking the same mentality as with the "White Australia Policy" which was a political movement towards control over both Indigenous affairs and strict imigration laws. the southern cross is claimed initially as a sentiment of pride and patriotism but is called upon in the defense of the nation as soon as critical opinions surface, is it not our right (my right) to criticise my nation?

to mould the picture into one sentiment all you would have to do is replace "Australia" with "Germany", "southern cross" with "Swastika", "Aussies" and "White Australia Policy" with "Nazis" and bring the context towards the mid 20th century. need i say more.

it is a huge call to bring about comparisons but i will justify it with the knowledge that in order to not repeat history you must be very aware of your history. you must be aware of world histories, as much as possible, to have a more empathetic view of issues amongst your community and country, i believe. the age of enlightenment and industrialisation have caused so much in the way of current issues within Australias culture and we have no escape as we were founded upon the principles of the last 200 or so years. 222 years i believe it is this year!

my opinion of the southern cross is that it is used without care, abused so many times by the majority of its wearers. im a proud australian but i will never be a part of the marching tattoo bearers.

todays short story.

2010-02-02T02:23:00.001+11:00

I CHANGED MY NAME UP. obv

today i did some mentoring orientation thing where me and my friend brenna looked after a class and ran the art studio with heaps of kids in the last yr of highschool.

i told her i dont care about talking about her ex's, i dont care about talking about love games and im bsically sick of it. i know its partly in spite for her not being around for me in the mourning and i deff think and feel that i am not her best friend anymore. a great loss i suppose, though, my general level of apathy is high and i dont care about anyone anymore. if its an average part of grief, whatever.

thank fucking god i wont be hearing a woman yap any longer about her stories of relationships, which she is mostly taking for granted. i suppose the men in it are also the same. at least i only attract the deranged, smart, stalker types *rolls eyes*

sorry note

2010-02-01T02:00:00.002+11:00

i wrote this bc it was there and in my face all night, like writing down a dream to help me get a grip on what just happnd

Abe.

i need to say sorry.

im sorry for a lot of things. i was and am still very committed to you and i need a few things off my chest. i want to say sorry for everything i did wrong. you rescued me and i didnt cherrish all the moments i had.
i knew you had post traumatic stress and i am so sorry for the times i triggered it, for all the times that i made you worried and helpless bc you were on the other side of the world, and all to my amusement. it was tht time i played a lil joke about there being smoke comming from the kitchen and i had to quickly leave. in the end you knew but during you had a lapse and went directly to serious mode. it flooded back for you and i am just so stupid i didnt get it.

im sorry for the times when i didnt feel like making love. sometimes i dont ever want anything sexual to happen and i came into the relationship knowing this and recognising tht you are highly sexual and have those needs. im sorry for the times i said no, you told me it was fine but i know deep inside that you wanted to express love physically. im sorry about not meeting the standard.

im also sorry for challenging you sometimes and making you paranoid about losing me. i just needed to feel loved and owned so i challanged you. i never ever looked at another man without looking for your qualities and even sometimes imagining it being you. i couldnt cheat if i tried but im sorry about making you paranoid, i know how serious you take some of the jokes and i should have just never left the house with any intention to challenge.

im sorry that i wasnt in that car with you at the time of the crash, i feel so much guilt for not being there and maybe you wouldnt have hurt yourself as much trying to release your mother. i would have helped. im also sorry for thinking that way, bc i know you want me to live and love me too much to bear my being hurt, in any way.

im also sorry that i havnt fulfilled your expectations of me beyond your death. the art, i dont ever want to be a part of again. the fitness and keeping my goal for loosing weight. it is all gone because of you. you aspired for me to live a succesfull life but all i have done is not at all close to those goals. i wanted to loose weight but i gained a tonne. im sorry that i let everything we aspired to collapse bc of my instability.

im also sorry tht i couldnt nd still dont believe what you always tried to convince me of. you said i was beautiful inside and out and you werent worried about the weight and looks. im sorry i didnt believe you. you know you are my number one in life but i dont think we could have changed it all in one year. we needed that time together. we didnt get it.

im sure things will flood back, esp the things i didnt do and am sorry for. im crying myself to sleep tonight bc i regret soo much its overwhelming and numbing.

tomorrow better be good.

(afterthought) just thought happy bc of you, you drive me crazy.

rant about blogspot gay culture.

2010-01-31T16:18:00.002+11:00

- first off, 90% of gay profiles on blogspot are closeted. just an observation. a lot of guys dont even have their face recognised at all, but more likely, it will be their bodies on show. its kinda conserning that people would rather their body represent them before their face. its almost a luring device bc we all know gay culture is highly visual and it catches more interest while i think that the writing in blogspot should be the main consern. i do however think differently of blogs that have visuals and videos as their common format and purpose.

- a positive one for you. i love some of the stories and how they can be so similar amongst gay men, doesnt matter what context you will always find many similarities and even some forethought on subjects you havnt even approached yet in your sexual and gay cultural encounters. thats fantastic. congrats blogspot gays.

- i have some beef with the way people are carrying on in their punctuation choices (not really a gay culture on blogspot related comment). im not at all worried about the odd spelling mistake and internet shorthand writing but when people abuse punctuation, it gets me steaming. first big thing i HATE is the use of "..." after every three or four words. IS THERE SERIOUSLY THAT MUCH OF A BREAK IN EVERYTHING YOU SAY? come on boys, you dont have any impediment bc you can coherently type a response so dont make your writing look like it is comming from forrest gump. here is an exerpt:

"hey dude... so whats up with tim.... i cant believe it.... that he would go out with you but.... not even try anything... your hot! just sayin.... but really.... have a good week...."

it should be (not too anal but easier to read)

"hey dude. so, whats up with tim? i cant believe that he would go out with you but not even try anything. you're hot! just sayin. have a good week."

personally, i have started to resent gay culture on and off and thought that the concept of being gay meant that i had to be like those chiselled, beautiful men (and i still think this way bc im emotionlly screwed) and comming on blogspot gives me some kind of relief from my own condition. reading about lifestyles as confused as me is starting to pull my head into realising some people are given the same grief in life. sure i dont get much in the way of comments and back and forth discourse with my blogspot associatives (cept for dan and ryan, theyre sexy like pie) i still think i might have lurkers. lurkers meaning the ones who may come back and forth for some reading and stuff. i hope so bc i think i dont really write for just myself, i have a thing where i like to be critiqued just so i know im not going 'courtney love'. i think we all like communication and the communication is kinda vital and essential seeing as this is what blogspot is for.

i think those are the dominant thoughts in my mind. thats it for now eh? here is a silly picture.

im off mah tits!

brief encounter that i had to comment on

2010-01-29T04:59:00.000+11:00

i think what i just did with myself was illegal HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i suppose you will have to fill out the rest.

a blog entry just bc

2010-01-28T23:38:00.001+11:00

the creative juices arent flowing right now, i sat down with all of my makeup and looked through the colours to see what i could do but nothing! nothing is particularly standing out me and i think it is because of my lack of colours. i sure have a lot of matte, colours for all seasons, discluding any chance of bright blocks of yellow, blue or red. the primary colours are too bright for the everyday look, that is, if you dont know how to use them. i may or may not have splurged on a lot of makeup this morning... ok, i did! i paid $150 for 11 shades from MAC cosmetics. now, if you know mac then u know it is quality so dont fret. i paid like half the price anyways seeing as the pots of shaddows themselves cost $30 each. do the maths 300 for 11 and i got it for 150!

i know it is genuine MAC jst bc i know how to spot the fakes. some fakes are really really convincing though. the key on ebay when you are buying brand names look for the power sellers and stores that have a constant flow of customers. if they do then its an obvious sign it is a trustworthy place to buy. and after that you still have to be warey of fakes esp with MAC bc it is so sought after by makeup enthusiasts.

today i also splurged and bought myself a new hair dryer and straightner. you guys saw that my hair was straight and very long in a previous blog but my hair is naturally very VERY curly

contrast and compare time!

my hair is very long and curly now but u can tell just by that piggy curl in the front tht i am a curly sue. i believe that one curl in the front now reaches past the dimple. what was it the hairdesser called my hair style now?... um, a curl bob.

oh, what else to rant about. oh yeah, on australia day it was also very conveniently another anniversary btwn Abe and i. the 26th of every month was pretty much a day to re-declare it all. being the love birds we were. so, Australia day. it was more like a mourning day not just bc of the bf. australia day is also called survival day or invsaion day by my peoples. remember im Aboriginal! yeah. so, i had the day to think about the end of a lof of my cultural traditions that i should have inherited, the language and religion (spirituality moreso) and it is to be recognised as the day of mourning that stuff. it was kinda hard to mourn, let alone think, on a 40 degree day!!! i didnt leave the house once except in a car and i drank myself silly in the afternoon. i dont have family here and it wouldnt make a diff seeing as we dont celebrate the destruction of our peoples, fair enough aye?

so drink drink drink then i passed out woke up and wondered around the house pointlessly.

my life is so busy, what with the laying down and getting up...

advancement

2010-01-26T02:04:00.001+11:00

hello, yonder men who sometimes read my blogs.

i just had the most interesting and strange convo on msn with james, the ex-stalker who felt me up. i wont go through all of the fodder of the convo but he asked about having intercourse with me. my response, you have to propose. he says "i propose we have intercourse". not just that but he wants to be the recieving end of the intercoursing. this is ridiculous as you would know by reading some of my moral and ethical boundaries with sex. the number one rule is that it has to come along with monogamy, he has to be my boyfriend. to be my boyfriend he has to go out with me and has to be dedicated to me. if those parts arent there, there will be no intercoursing. he also managed to talk abt my cock and how nice it felt when we made out and felt around, that one time.

i just need him to remember that i m not going to do anything until i can enter a relationshp again. i also need him to realise that i am mourning and in my everyday life i have things that discourage me from stepping up. motivation in sex is something i am missing since abe died. i need extreme erotica to help me out. i think its one of those things you should see a doctor about. in no way is james like jay, ryan. we dont fit like the square block in the square hole like you two do. i couldnt think of a more opposite person. i just want him to make an effort and make our tidbit reltionship as ethically right as possible. its time i was sweeped off of the floor and put back together but, he just has to step up and grab the broom and dustpan.

taking cock.

2010-01-23T18:53:00.001+11:00

before i go on, OMG JEFFREE

Get Away With Murder

JEFFREE STAR (new VIDEO out NOW!!!)

MySpace Music Videos

well, hehe. this blog is just to say that i totally bought my housemate a vibrator for her 21st bday. she turned it on and threw it at me... and i totally liked the feel of it. that being said, i am buying it tomorrow for myself. maybe we can have a party all in our own seperate bedrooms and not feel awkward abt hearing the buzzing from each room bc all the buzzing in our own room will drown out the other.

i would love a penis in my ass except it will have to be with a boyfriend. do u wana be my boyfriend???

(i totally dont think anyone here would be bc im a head-case, emotional biatch)

here is a stocky man presenting us with something tempting.

anime and moving on.

2010-01-23T00:21:00.001+11:00

my patience for typing right now isnt ideal to make a decent blog, but i will go for it.

last night i was sobbing. the reason? an anime. i was crying bc it was something that hit close to home. there is this amazing gay series called jonjou romantica which is easily found on http://www.animefreak.tv/
the story is about several gay love naratives. one in particular was a boy who fell in love with his sisters ex husband. a highly emoitonal scene for me was the older guy when he admitted he loved a woman who died about 20 years prior. he adored her so much that his reationships for the rest of his life up until a point failed bc he was so consumed by her that no person could live up to her. basically, the dead lover ruined his future bc he loved her more than nything in the world. i felt so angry at the dead woman, i felt angry at abe for making me feel this way.

the major issue that comes up for me is when he tells us he is guilty and self loathing for forgetting her love, as though it means nothing if he moves on and gets another partner. i dont think it is fair for someone to be left in eternal love because it is basically torture. you want to be so dedicated to the dead person. the partners after that relationship arent going to fulfil you or make it easier, it remains difficult. the first love weighs you down because of your obligations and the promises you have made to him/her/whatever. you cant honour it if you forget the dead, you feel like you have abandoned it. being dedicted to someone hurts me so much. if i werent so obedient and i didnt ignore Abe's last request, something good might have happened. what if i had died, i know abe would have moved on far easier than me. he was more stable minded than i could ever be. i was always the hopelessly in love, heart on my shoulders type of person. he would prob have already had someone by now if the roles were reversed, and, i think i would choose that scenario if i could. my mind feels so exhusted from life that i truly wish i would have died instead.

i can predict something. i will be in my mid 40s before i can be with another person again and i will stop living in this fantasy relationship. no, it was real and it still is. life is just lonely, full of primal screams and torture in the meantime. i dont choose the torture, my heart and stubborn mind does. maybe its my kidney that is the only organ that doesnt want to punish me? a man needs to rescue me from it because i am too far gone. i have no concept of what it is to save myself. i tried to look but all i can visualise is translucent shaddow. the shaddow is the way i will get better but the vision looks about 15 years away from happening.

the only way i am getting happiness right now is with cooking, binge drinking, makeup and the people around me. they are all so temporary and i havnt felt as though i have been a genuine friend lately and its all 1 dimensional. im sick of being confused all the time and not feeling like the people around me are what they say they are. thats the problem i think, my genuine investment in anyone has lost all of its spark. once Abe is dead, everyone might as well be.

melodrama 101. if you think i am melodramatic, go watch a yaoi anime.

no fucking clue abt a title

2010-01-22T03:13:00.000+11:00

my hosemates rock

we have been eating like kings lately so im anticipating when we will start to starve again! lol

tonight was jasons turn to cook some things from his home in china! he always makes meals in courses and tries to add a soup in all meals.

lately ive been watching these ultra amazing gay themed animes (new ones) and they make me so happy at least for 30 mins. however i must alwys keep in the back of my mind the lyrics from rogers and hammersteins cinderella which says "falling in love with love is falling for make believe, falling in love with love is playing the fool." i am a massive fool for falling in love with love which i do constantly. a part of the reason im not in a relationship is prob bc im hving an affair with the internet.

a random thought, i need gym motivation! i need to stop all of my shit and start hitting it. im always whigning and blasting it on the blog. how UNNECCESARY. fuck, i would be better off being slapped in the face, told to wake up and send off to burn my thunder thighs.

and ill try not to drunk blog so frequently.

that is all!

best friends lately

2010-01-21T02:58:00.000+11:00

tonight was interesting. i had an american themed dinner party in my house. i made buffalo wings, corn dogs and waldorf salad with all of the trimmings then had many american movies to watch like carrie, chicago and when a stranger calls.

i love this stuff but i have to take note that my best friend forgot that she has to be here. she called about 30 mins late and said shit and sorry and blah but all i am feeling is left behind. my own best friend is leaving me behind. for 3 yers we have become so close and i just feel absolutely unimportnt tonight. i made so much effort for everyone and i spent a lot of money for the people i like, and i cook the whole damn meal just to be left hanging for call. i do not feel appreciated at all. i organised my life around this and my best friend shows her appreciation by forgetting me all together. she did not even consider that i just went through an anniversary. i know i tried to keep it silent but she should know my character and how it has drastically changed over night

how could i not be depressed.

the only friends i can say will be there are the ones who are stuck with me in this house. my friend cathy always talks about me having friends and her jealousy and stuff but i cant help but wonder why, when i have been so neglected all the time. even my friend ray has no use for me anymore because i think he has moved on to better things, he told me how he is bi and we have had so many talks but he doesnt talk to me anymore. i feel very hurt. its like i was used for the fact that i am a safe person to tell these things to, as if i am the only outlet for some people to use and cut the connection as freely as they want to.

i dont have a choice because these are the only people i have. what am i doing wrong?

the positivity blog

2010-01-19T13:30:00.000+11:00

the dodo of all blogs is here. i know its condescending (read egotistical) but c'mon, baby steps.

i am an amazing catch. i may not have the worldy experience of a jezebel but i am a moral booty of relationship treasures.

why wouldnt someone want me? james does, i can tell. problem is, i dont fit in with him in any way.

i thought a thought this morning (duh), i said to myself "someone is going to benefit off of the fact that i have saved myself for them one day, saving all of my love and dedication for just one person. my man should be the happiest person and not take me for granted."

maybe there is a reason i get a lot of rejection? maybe its because these men arent any sort of quality, tainted by the constructed (and invisible) gay image of culture. gay... i would rather consider myself a queer.

i am happy looking as feminine as possible, it brings me closer to my female friends and what they do on a reg basis.

my blogs are not particularly about the everyday events but a subjective opinion on the everyday life and the events that matter the most to me. all that is in the past is all that i know and as far as men go Abraham is my only past and therefore the center of my world still. moving on doesnt matter if it is a lower quality of life, i will only care to move on if i have an equally matched quality of life as i had with him. im stubborn, guys. i certainly deserve an equally matched life that levels out with the microclimate that abe and i had built. therefore, i am not moving.

about my sexual urges

2010-01-19T01:08:00.000+11:00

(reflection) i am a grumpy, grumpy person hahahahahaha

seems like it doesnt exist. is it just me or is everybody around me really sexual. tonight i was asked about my sexual history and i told her, my new housemate, whats up. one, i was too young to have sex therefore it doesnt count; and two, i will not have sex again unless it is within monogamy. im so jealous of people who get into it straight away and only (mostly) use it as a means of pleasure. maybe im just saying this out of jealousy that a lot of people are getting it and im nowhere near it. envious like a fat girl with supermodel friends. though, i like to consider sex as my area to give someone else (tht i love) pleasure. it is like cooking to me, i give love through a very amazing meal. last night i made a roast of seasoned chicken, sweet potato puree with roasted garlic, balsamic beans and roasted onion, a cauliflower and carrot bake with cheese sauce and gravy made from scratch with the chicken juices. THIS IS HOW I LOVE. making love in the sexual way is more of a weight bearing thing to me, there is so much more involved and although sweet and satisfying, isnt always as easy as a good recipe i can just whiz up in my mind. by the way, i didnt have a recipe for any of what i mentioned, i go by my own instincts/knowledge.

i dont know how to get into someones pants, ironically. im not as the nickname suggests. it isnt about someone elses pants its about my pants and how its going to take a fucking long romantic life narrative to set up this rare sex scene moment. everyday i think of sex like a normal bloke, i like to jack off to porn, again, blokey. i just cant seem to manage to have a love life. i dont have it in me to hunt because i always feel that it is me who has to initiate anything because heaven forbid if anyone decided i were their prey. they suck (and not the good type of suck (who am i kidding, i dont like recieving blow jobs)). they all want to be served and bought drinks. not one has made an effort even saying hi. snobby cunts, im ashamed to align myself with them most of the time. plus, i dont consider it my job to stumble into a clique and desperately gain their stupid friendship. they should be nice enough to know someone feels left out and include them. its what i do when im with my friends.

I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX. I WILL ONLY MAKE LOVE. i do not intend on flirting or having one night stands. if guys out there hate that, then they can get royally fucked by... their hand?

angry rant over (more like sexually frustrated rant)
where and what point was i getting to? make it up guys.

mixed bag of no surprises

2010-01-16T11:55:00.000+11:00

first off, drunk posts eh? this isnt drunk, tho, i do pride myself for putting something mildly coherent together esp while im quite drunk.

its saturday and its just about the anniversary. it really sux that my soulmate died in general let alone it being on my sisters bday. i wont be seeing my sister at all but i might buy her something usefull.

i am confused as to how i am feeling and i always am. i think that this past year has been nothing but confusion for me, dissoriented in all aspects of life. i lost friends, i made enemies out of family and i reached an all time low in depression so much so that i managed to gain 25 kilos in a blink. i have cried more times in the past year than i ever have in my life. i dont know what is going on today but i sure have cried. i dont want to leave the house because i dont see myself fit to do so and i dont think anyone is really noticing my strange sleeping patterns which are acting like normal (which isnt normal at all).

i dont feel angry and i dont feel overwhelming grief, atm. this is a weird state to be in.

a friend of mine came over and bought fresh wholmeal scones and home made jam. we played makeup and talked about life. on boxing day she was close to death having flipped her car on the highway near her home town, tathra. we both concluded that 2009 was the worst year in existance. she also lost her dad to cancer last year so its been very difficult for both of us, and even more difficult for us to connect seeing as we are always so far away frm each other.

ive always wondered if Abe will just pop up somewhere, and he semi did. i finally had a dream abt him. finally. it was nothing special and i only felt as though i was observing him. even in the dreams i am distant.

i might play with makeup again today and build on my trans persona. i dont know why all of a sudden i want to be as feminine as possible, maybe ive reached the point where i realise that my male form will not attract anyone. i think that if i were more feminine maybe i will be attractive to someone. i look like a girl in some of my photos but i have to get rid of the damn five o'clock shaddow. im always doing something for someone who doesnt exist.

here are photos

anniversary

2010-01-13T22:41:00.000+11:00

here i am, drunk as fuck off of sake (rice spirits) barely able to type but concentrating bc this is important. this sunday is the anniversary of Abe's death. i cant tell you how much i want my body to be numb on that day, starting now. i cant handle this. if i get drunk i know that it will distract me from doing other things eg. hurting myself. im more likely to not hurt myself bc i will be too drunk to coordinate my brain function to the action function, therefore not hurting myself.

this safeguard is the only thing that will get me though this, no amount of friend or family intervention will keep me distracted. i need to be physically numb to the world.

one thing i havnt talked about is the fact that i am currently going through a giant spell of eating gaining 25 kilo's since the crash in january this week last year. i am slowly eating myself back to a fat slob so that no one will be attracted to me and i wont have to hurt no more. sure i will hurt because i have no one to love but it is better that only one person be hurt (me) than ruining another persons life. i eat and eat and i now cant fit into 90 percent of my clothes. i am sickening the way i look, i hate it, so i know men will hate it to. i am well aware of the fact that i am eating myself into permenant singledom bc no one likes a fat guy. no one.

lion king inspired eyes

2010-01-11T08:11:00.000+11:00

well this took a fuckload of time so im going to wear this for as long as i can!

i used a new skill in this one, contouring, which is the line of darkness on either side of the nose that narrows out my nose and emphisises the look of a lion!

i remnant i re-read

2010-01-10T16:32:00.000+11:00

word for word this is Abraham's writing... his mini blog (true rarity). dont have a clue who he is talking abt though :S

: )

It's been five months... five wonderful months. With rare exception, we talk each morning and each night ... on an average 5 hours per day (wow!). We have learned so much about each other, likes and dislikes, strengths and challenges, moods, feelings, needs, etc.

And still we are together. Still the rleationship grows. You literally know more about me than anyone else in this world. And still, you stay by my side. We share a special connection. We are friends, lovers, and soul mates....

I sit at my computer and pull up a variety of pictures I have of you. Casual ones, and intimate ones. As I do, I find myself starring at your features. You are so handsome, and your look, so versatile. I find myself doing an inventory of your body, from head to toe and its such a pleasure.

Your hair with its long dark curls makes me to want to run my fingers through it. Your eyes, the window to your soul, hazel green and so expressive. I can never forget those eyes, they speak volumes. Your lips, mmm, I so want to join mine to them and kiss you so deep, so long. Your cheeks, so smooth and beautiful.

Your broad strong shoulders are so senuous in a particular picture you gave me. The hair on your body captivates me, as I'm a sucker for dark hair. I won't embarass you here with commentary about your more intimate features but you know how I feel about them. You are such a handsome sexy man and I so want to make passionate love to you. My eyes routinely undress you and my imagination allows me to fully explore your body and press my body close to yours. I want to be on you, under you, and in you.

Andee, you are a G-d send to me. I love you so. Your beauty, both internal and external takes my breath away. You are bright, creative, sensitive, loving, fun to be with, exciting, challenging, and omg you claim me as your man.

I am most fortunate. There are not enough, or sufficient, words to proclaim what I feel for you, and from you.

I want to please you in every way. I want to protect you from any and all harm, My friend, my lover, my soul mate. I want us to walk lifes paths hand in hand. Together we can beat all odds. It's me and you babe. against the world.

Avrahm loves Andrew now, and forever...

a pic from the days he didnt smile in photos... oh dear.

{you know, its the only time i ever believed in having good attributes. love is so convincing an elixir.}

damzelling in destress

2010-01-10T14:06:00.000+11:00

at the moment i feel out of this world, like a weird form of drug. im stressed, anxious and my eyes are throbbing to look at the glare of the day. my body clock is now making me sleep through the day and stay awake all night, my heart is feeling it and typing this is a bit of an eyesore.

i made a big mistake yesterday and i dont think i was fully aware of what i was doing. it may have been a form of day sleep walking, i dont know, but i woke up later that night to find that i have signed a contract with a new energy company without any one of my housemates consent. i thought the whole situation was a dream. i got up and went downstairs with this feeling kinda like if my guts have dropped inside. the guy was at the door trying to sell something. i remember sitting down and taking a call and repeating so many numbers just trying to get him to go away. the need for him to leave was so strong. i soon went back to bed. later that night at 9pm (the incident happened around 3pm) i felt strange, as one does sleeping from 12pm and through the day. i saw the paper on the table with the contract. immediately i felt so dissapointed in myself just for the fact that i didnt and wasnt aware enough to talk to housemates and i started to stress big time. this is possibly the most wierd thing i have done during sleep. if you go to my "paranormal coincidence" blog, you will understand. ive done some whack things while asleep.

where does this leave me now? one word, distressed. helplessness is something im falling into as a pattern of habbit. am i always so vulnurable now and is the vulnurability heightened by the fact that my mind is dealing with this anniversary. i was holding out for the hero, i got that hero but now he is no more. how can i possibly run a kingdom without my protector. metaphor metaphor metaphor

anime

2010-01-10T06:16:00.000+11:00

ive discovered a few beautiful anime tv series that is nothing but gay themed. only two shows though but if im lucky someone will see this and know a few. i dont ant hentai or any of the really sexual stuff, i like th basic romantic comedy/tragedy situation.

ive finished watching Sukisho, a very cool story of love in between tragedies. funnily enough i didnt realise they were all male characters until i read it bc some of them look like women. anime gender is so blurred. there are lots of reasons to love this one... ill let you look instead of telling.

the one i finished tonight was called gravitation hich was so fantstiche. a rising pop star in japan falling for a famous, but bitter, author with a deep and dark past. i love the two characters and how they seem to be so opposite and attract t the same time. they actually dont start off as gy but just fall into each others love. its special.

ill link it and maybe you guys want to look, they are such enlightening series for all you die hard romantics.

sukisho: http://www.animeseason.com/sukisho/

gravitation: http://www.animeseason.com/gravitation/

i would have to say i loved gravitation slightly more but i really loved all the sexual frustration of sukisho.

untitled

2010-01-10T04:25:00.000+11:00

i dont know how to start so ill just say that this is something i need to write down. i cant burden my family or friends with what i am feeling right now just because i dont think it would benefit me, it will prob hurt me like some of my honesty has done in the past. i just need my thoughts communicated and set in cement and i consider this my therapy session, my peacefull grotto. i dont want to feel this way any longer.

purpose is distorted.

what is playing in my mind is suicide (this is NOT a goodbye note). its a coincidence that i think it around this time of year, the anniversary of Abes death. i cant and prob wont ever do it but the thoughts are comming and going in strong blows to the mind. i cant help think that i truly want to be with him. i cant handle the fact that i will not move so easily in grief to a better place and i feel like my time is up. maybe suidide is a harsh word or even the wrong way to describe what im feeling. i feel like im comming to the end and i have no future in sight, no major plans that will endure a lifetime. i think i will die soon due to fate. that isnt classed as suicide right? it is when i get chills and have moments of intense emotional stuggles that i feel death comming. beyond this is the fact that my self worth amounts to nothing. i feel as though a am nothing, that i need not be here, that i need not exist. i am at peace if fate decides against me.

this is all about Abe. i did not know how hard loving someone is, esp beyond death. it is so difficult to be passionate again with any other. it doesnt get better for me. i have tried, i hve tried.

send me a god damn motherfucking miracle.

i want to eat better, i want to look better and i want to feel better. i just want to live because i dont feel like i am living.

makeup results

2010-01-09T01:20:00.000+11:00

huzzah, ive been working on some looks ltely and decided it was about time to take pictures of some and share.

the first is my attempt to recrete and improve my friend jayne's "goth alice" look. here it is.

good yeah? i had to put a foundation lighter than my skin to have that porcelain/deathly look which had a medium powder on top.

for the eyes i started to prime the lids and around the eyes with a black eye liner penciling a circle and filling in the gaps, then smudging and bending. for the lid i used a black shaddow and a small it under the eye and around the primed area. i then used a blending brush to put on a kind of dark red/brown eyeshadow on the contour of the black bending inwards. i then used a red eye blush powder to blend out the edges and making sure the lines had a glow about them. that was finished with a angled flat brush to make "beams" of white shaddow.

the lips were easy. i just covered the lip with a base of transparent gloss and skin tone blush. then i used a pencil liner to shape the lips and filled it out with the black eye shaddow i used on the eyes.

the second look was just quick and rough, here it is.

ok, simple one again, i started from the eyebrow working myself down to the lid using a white shaddow with a slight golden hue as the brow highlight then a deeper gold for the lower brow line and crease. the lid is a bronze colour. i then used a small applicator to put blue long the eye line starting from the middle of the eye going out into a line which i then blended out with a small blending brush. i modified it (side pics) by putting a dab of light silvery green and then another small dab of bluein the corner of the eyes just for an embelishment.

im loving it.

followers

2010-01-08T04:37:00.000+11:00

hey boys.

i need to catch up on a lot of reading with peoples blogs... mostly the people tht follow me. i think ive neglected it for a fair while and i know its a sign of manners to return the reading favour. i decided that if i wanted comments and followers i will make comments and follow first, hopefully. and no this is not a new years resolution, i gave those up back when i was a silly teen.

speaking of new years, what happened?! i know thats broad but couldnt hurt to ask. i had a flu! i couldnt party anywhere, i just ended up in my bed in wollongong playing with makeup and listening to all the rukus. being alone on new years eve is only for the brave hearted because it is quite hard going it alone. i think i am that brave hearted person bc i can manage to go without seeing family for months at a time and currently my best friend is in london so i should be having jayne withdrawls, but i dont tend to suffer seperation anxiety... well unless its about a big man i love and cant wait to see again.

follow on for the year ahead. its going to be a weird one.

xmas day and rant.

2010-01-07T17:44:00.001+11:00

This is just a diary update on what happened during xmas. I don’t have the internet so I guess this is just one of the rants that will eventually get online. The fact tht I am not online is so annoying and am resorting to Microsoft word to get my thoughts out.

A side note: I think my internet provider is just in a shack in the middle of a field in Turkey. The net situ is that horrific. I even had to resort to going to one of those 24/7 computer places where all the gamers go… all I can say is yuck.

2nd side note:{At the moment I am reflecting happily on some of my memories of Abe. I realize that he gave me something to aspire to, something to look forward to. I owe him my life because he allowed me to share every aspect of my being so I could stop being so secretive and a tad introverted about confiding in people. He helped bc I always feel reserved talking to anyone, even my best friends, but somehow he freed me from it. It felt exhilarating and it made life a lot more bearable for me. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel and one day I will be able to articulate it, im sure. What I do know is that for 10 months I felt alive and before then I was just hanging on, surviving instead of living.}

My family xmas’ are always varied. Sometime sit is full of events and is busy and other times it seems so empty and lacking. I mean that it lacks as in the atmosphere is empty and its usually because several people aren’t around. My sister didn’t come home for xmas and she as in a different state. That really made my efforts to travel home a little less happy. Its just me and my mum and tori. Xmas day is more than us three, it is the other 7 that live in the house. My aunt tresia and her family and my pop john, and on top of that is the rest of the family that visit throughout the day. It’s a lot of people and I cooked 75% of their food. It is kinda expected seeing as I am an amazing cook, im very modest.

What I see whenever I go home is the state of the house. My family is living in a semi-poor state. We don’t have a lot of money and have always lived compiled in a house with several families using the same small bathroom and inadequate living space. we have never had money and I don’t consider myself as a very poor person because I am rich in some things, one being family and the other being the beach which is only 200 meters away. Im in university studying my and other Aboriginal cultures in Australia and I am seeing this as my ticket away from poverty and the cycle of failure seen so often in my community. I want to be able to give mum a new place to live and get her started so that she can break away from it someday. It’s a lot of weight on me but that’s another story. Im sure ur over the poor part.

So, xmas! It wasn’t that awesome this year. I cooked everything and let others handle the deserts. Thank god I cooked really because I am the only one who takes cooking meat serious. Ive mentioned the raw meat incident with pop before. I cooked two legs of lamb (marinated and stuffed with garlic and rosemary), three chickens (stuffed and self basting via a herb butter I stuffed under the skins. it had rosemary, thyme and oregano, all fresh), a pork leg roast and a turkey. That’s a fuckload of meat but its not just the meat that I needed to do. All roast veg like potatoes and beans were relatively easy. It was all about how I managed time I suppose. I got all of this ready for serving by 1pm and during and after I drank several bottles of wine, alcopops and some very cheap wine. I drank myself silly and passed out at 7pm. I think I needed it. I was so sad drinking by myself. There were so many people around but no one to have merry drunk time with. My sister was gone, my cousin and drinking partner in crime Ashleigh is pregnant and I felt like I was celebrating alone. I suppose the alcohol was my present to myself.

Speaking of presents what did I get?! nothing much, I got cash from mum and put it right to the credit card. A beach towel from pop, a blender from my housemate and a watercolour from my bff brenna, and its of me! As if I needed to look at myself any more than I already do. God im beautiful. But that is all. Nothing spectacular and I never expect it to be. I stopped getting presents at 15 and am getting things of necessity as opposed as luxury and amusement. I sure would like some luxury for once but you cant really get it with my family.

Suppose that’s all I got for now, oh and I bought myself presents. I bought a makeup kit and a pizza stone for the oven. BOTH MY KINDA GIFTS! Of course, its not like ill buy myself something that would disappoint myself, that’s redonkulous. I love my blender cause it makes smoothies.

am i bluffin with my muffin? wish me luck

2009-12-17T02:48:00.000+11:00

some thoughts here.

the first is about bluffing with my muffin. i dont have a vagina but i think i got myself into a bit of a sticky situation. james is the name of a guy i have mentioned when talking about a man i cant decipher. i think i might have mislead him somehow. he was, in this situation, my rebound. i will explain...

a few months after Abraham died i started to get a little stalker, james. the way he stalked me is through following my facebook comments to friends about going to gym to pump and combat classess. he then came to these classes and stood behind me. i did notice a new person in combat class and was kinda disturbed by the fact that a lanky first timer was standing behind me doing roundhouse kicks far too close to me. i didnt even know who he was at this point.

at university, there is a social/political group called allsorts that represents the lgbtiq community in the uni. i am a part of this group (loosely) and i turned up to one of the meetings. james was at this meeting and he was there for most of them and this is where all of his friends are. i dont have many friends in that group and still havnt managed to partly because of him.

so, now i know him. i start to ask him stuff and he blurted out that he followed me to the gym, he just admitted it. i was kinda into the fact that i had my own little stalker because, lets face it, i dont get much male attention at all. he turned up to other classes and again stood behind me. i told him i would go on a date with him just to suffice his need. actually, kinda two dates. the first was watching xmen, the wolverine one. he was deffinetly not in a condition to date and he looked miserable having come from a busy work day being a paramedic. he also forgot his glasses so him driving us through a highway was another bad idea. it was a horrible date, just horrible. it was quite litterally the first date i have had that was ridiculous and didnt encourage me at all in confidence. i left that date feeling confused. he is also a vegetarian and i accidently asked him if he wanted to go fishing.

the second date was something i might want to forget too. i invited him over to my house and cooked dinner and we watched movies. i was getting blasted off of all the liquor i had and the stuff he bought over. i had to otherwise i wouldnt have handled the night so well. we watched amityville horror and pinochio. we didnt actually watch pinochio even though it was on. i ended up making out with him for about 2 hours. we then slept (literally sleeping) together. he wanted to curl into me while we slept and it made me kind of uncomfortable. the fact is, i came out of an epic relationship and he is the one needing to be held??? plus, he is lanky and bigger than me therefore it felt awkward. we woke up, kissed more, and he left. i was left looking mauled with a lot of hickeys.

after all of this and so many times he has just stopped all communication and then he started to talk again i felt so confused and i didnt want him one bit, not after our messed date #1 and the second where i felt no spark and am afraid i didnt even get a hardon. ABSOLUTELY NO SPARK. i started to feel desperate and felt, and still feel, as though he was a rebound. i dont feel anything for him. we have absolutely nothing in common and i cant speak to him without him arguing with me. recently he came to the gym again when i said i was going to. he went on every piece of equip i did and came to my class. im so confused.

did the fact that i went on dates and kissed him means he is linked to me like this? will he just never stop with his on/off stalkerish persona? will he leave me alone?

damn my muffin.

the wish me luck is about the fact that i am going home on friday and wont have internet access for almost two weeks, well, not good enough time to write a blog anyway. i am going home to family, and, if you read my blogs, you know how i feel about family. luck me to death my two or three casual readers.

makeup

2009-12-16T00:02:00.000+11:00

mkay. this blog has nothing deep about it, though i do like deep (...thats what he said). this blog is about makeup and yes i mean cosmetics not genetic makeup.

one of my recent cravings is to dabble in makeup, buy it, try it etc. my inspiration is joshua, a guy on youtube with the user name petrilude. i suppose he has sparked my interest in the superficial beauty secrets of women and drag queens alike. hes not raging or anything and looks beautiful in makeup because he has the bone structre to carry it well. what he specialises in is eyes, eye shaddow, brow shaping and colour combinations that make me extrodinarily jealous. i wish i could have a face for makeup but im afraid my face is far too masculine. when i shave i can see a five o'clock shaddow at lunchtime, seriously, i just squint my eyes and consentrate on the folicles, they will sprout. it isnt doing me any favours when i want to work with makep and means i would have to use a fuckload of concealer.

anywhooooo. i think my goal is to buy that concealer. i already know my skin tone in foundations which is medium beige. as a person with an Aboriginal and irish background how did i end up with BEIGE skin??? riddle me that, mother.

so, why makep? i love playing with makeup in general and am often watching my best friends use it so often. i want to and i am getting advice from petrilude. though, affording the makeup and working out the techniques is going to be another hurdle in my quest for a smoky dark eye and natural lip gloss, or even a flamboyant wing (that is just when you use liquid mascara to flick out the line from the eyelashes) with some shades of burgundy and brown. oh dear, i think if i were a good canvas i would deff try some drag out. my frame is similar to a little footballing, tanky, back liner. in essence, i look like a fridge.

i heart drag queenery, in fact, ive made out with one and it was fine. there is a bit of a story behind that one and i have pics. eek.

many tangents have been blown (... what he said again) so im just gonna refocus on buying makeup kits maybe. im talking eyeshadow kits but i need a lot of the foundation things. this is my DIY project over summer here in aust, then again, makeup in the head tends to be a bad idea esp if i am going out but then again i think my goal should be just to sit in my bathroom or something and try it all out and i could be ready for winter events.

another side note is that i have this recent obsession with making little cotton pom poms, like on the tops of beanies and i plan to make a giant mohawk of pom poms to put on top of my favourite beanie for a new winter trend. i made pom pom earrings for my best friend brenna for xmas so i had a bit of a creative workshop with myself.

thats it. and below is my inspiration... joshua *sigh*

popular gay

2009-12-14T04:31:00.000+11:00

i think i mentioned being very attracted to my dead bf still in my last comments section and tht i would make a blog on it. (had to write that to keep it fresh in my mind)

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative. take that with you.

i guess i wanted to talk about popularity of the social kind. in my context, gay popularity. its a very long, arduous and sometimes sad journey. im not popular and i dont claim to be. i do however claim to be someone who values a really amazing friend. but im sad to report i have little in the way of gay friends or any one in the gay community to click with. thus, this blog.

what i have in my mind about popular people is personality and looks. personality in the way that when you speak to a person they want to speak more. to have a good personality is to give people a zest, a cheeky semi-flirtacious wit and to carry yourself with pride when in communication, minus insecurities. when i think of successfull personalities i think of blogs and online things like facebook and how they are popular. whether your online friends interact or comment on your blogs/stats is a good factor which shows you know someone out there has similar thoughts and you click well, and, if that occurs frequently you know youre doing something right and people enjoy you. its just rewarding, you know? its just a boost to your day.

im afraid i established this blog to get my feelings, my truths and my darkness into written form. i approched this whole thing wrong if i wanted to gain any readers. i often think "this is intense, no one will enjoy this" and that is fine because of the initial purpose of this blog. rule 1# no interraction and no popularity when spilling your emotions in an open blog. exposure of this material makes people ache. people pleasing is hard when you want to write honestly. im sorry for not having good inspiring blogs but im just not happy, and when i am its not noteworthy because it lasts a second. sorry.

right, to the looks department. i think its beyond blogs. in the gay world popularity goes with the good looking, the handsome, the average to toned, masculine boys. not to say im not masculine at all. ive always felt that image pressure is a large factor to why my personality fails, why i am afraid to talk to men, all based on several hours of self judgement in the mirror. now, cry me a river and whatnot and etc i know im a whinger. i buy so many products to help me be the best i can look but my motivation to look great stops when i see how the canvas is shaped. i seem to love myself enough to have amazing morals about controlling how my virginity will be taken and where my love is invested but i often wonder "is that a product of my lack of beauty? am i forced to believe in these things because i have no other choice?" the subconscious tells me many things you see and my mind gets bombarded with reservations. hes too good looking, hes better than me, he wouldnt give me the time. i think a lot and i wish i werent so bombarded with this.

i think the gay community want me to want to be like them, so one day i too can dance shirtless at a bar, and better yet, talk to a guy without feeling a lesser self worth. popularity is a vicious place to be but somehow you want and aspire to it. gay popularity seems so unhealthy but it comes down to wanting some level of constant communication just so you arent alone all the time. you just want someone to like you enough to text you every now and again, visit you and ask you out. its a pity it comes with having bongo drums for pecs and a six pack. its a damn shame that i too am a shallow piece of shit.

my mood right now is neither emo, suicidal or angry, just speculative.

xmas time

2009-12-13T03:17:00.000+11:00

hmm i think i wanted to give a quick run down of a typical family xmas at mine. what happens is i wake up and look at the little kiddies get their presents, especially my cousin ty who calls me buddy. i love the boy. hes getting so big now and hes starting to get so into motorbikes, he deff didnt get that from me.

ty being a grubby little boy. why are they happiest when they look like no one owns them is beyond me.

anyways, after a long morning of watching kids play with their new stuff, its time to clean and start cooking. im the head of the kitchen at xmas time. the fact is, my family wouldnt know how to prepare a good roast anything. they have no concept of seasoning and as pop like to say "i dont like my cows mooing" meaning anything remotely pink in a meat means it is bad. i suppose that is deff not a part of todays culinary culture, like, i dont think the values of past food practices like the overcooked meat is a good way to prepare anything today and by his standards pink isnt "proper."

so when ive cooked a fuckload (and i am not going to this year) i start drinking! yes, the sickly xmas season makes me want to drink, a lot. i end up drinking till 10pm norm and then pass out. good times. no chilldren in your face, lots of free space to roam around down at home and i can finally confide in my sister or cousin ashleigh about life. i know this xmas will be tough. last xmas abe couldnt call me and he tried so hard. apparently skype hated him on that day last year. it was really horrible not hearing his voice all day. i cried obviously and he managed to get my voicemails of me crying and i think he almost punched a new hole into his laptop bc he couldnt reach me at all. i hope those things are expelled into this blog and dont affect me during this xmas.

i made him a collage for xmas. i asked him what he wanted for xmas and he said he wanted me, so i gave him me in the form of a photo collage haha. he liked it! prob masturbated well that day lol. i hope he did!!!!

get all his energy out in that way. the thought gets me so hot. is that creepy?

anyways, that is xmas for me. i go home, i cook, i see kids open pressies, i drink until i cant feel my body and i get into some random shenanigans. all the while i count it as family bonding.

merry xmas my fellow drunks.

whis is this? what is that, honey? what are you doing?

2009-12-11T23:58:00.000+11:00

picture tells a thousand words, to me at least. here is an old blog that i ranted out when i was bed ridden with my pelvis stuff...

it has been quite educational sitting here in bed semi-crippled watching back to back seasons of will and grace. i have realised i have very similar parallels to will, it is oh so strange. i know my empathy and scathing remarks are much more like karen's but there is the interesting thing abt straight female, gay male relationships. the difference is that i dont have my jack and i am not balanced out quite as much as will is.

first thing i see is that the dynamic of the relationship means that neither tend to get as much when being in a close proximity to each other. aka a tip to all female friends, DONT HANG AND CLING FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. it has potential to limit your and my sexytimes. thank fuck will and grace sorted that out. i deff try to keep a slight distance with female persons, the biggest reason is abt said issue. I want sexytime to happen sometime. i will not be a buttinski most of the time (or cock block) but deff will be if its going to turn foul. plus, who wants to adopt a hypothetical wife? not me.

how does one aquire a jack?

why do stright women have a habbit of dissapointment when finding out a guy (they see potential in) likes a guy? thats one of the biggest turn-off's any of my friends can have. *mini vomit* truly, if i were (agonising sentence to complete) one of those... things that like (ugh) women i think i would be a part of a football team and not in my current circumstance. we know what goes on in the former situation, dont we? group sex.
*currently haunted by having simones breasticles shoved in mah face*

tis a terrible fate for jayne (best friend) as she has the hips that bare a potential surrogacy. hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! but i promise, it wont be your egg. JOKES (but really).

in conclusion, women are fun and shit but one way to getting a boy is to look like a frail, bella, deer type woman looking for her power assuming, obsessive edward type. this means without gay bodyguard. though most circumstances its neccesary to have the guard, like the palming of the face incident at castro's. am i right ladies? am i right??

WHERE IS MY FRUIT BASKET? brenna (best friend), any failed man has failed only because of this. there was no fruit nor was there a basket given to me. a combination of the two is a thumbs up!

faggolah misses his boufhead

2009-12-10T00:21:00.001+11:00

as i have predicted this blog is a bipolar flip compared to my last few.

tonight i feel romantic, though, there is no one to flirt or serve lol. listening to some very sensual music. t shirt by destinys child in fact. i feel Abraham to tell you the truth. lately i have used my memories of abe to help me when i have needed him the most. several occasions lately. as opposed to twiddling my thumbs while nervous i play with the ring he got me. my new housemate alana noticed i had a wedding band on. this ring he bought me is so precious. its like the unofficial engagement ring. its simple enough, its silver and has "love. laugh. live." etched into it. what a fucking sweetie. my big guy is kept in these momento's. i grip my ring when i feel so scared and i have his mp3s to remind me of his low grumble and beautiful zealous expressions. though i am limited in the pictures/videos department. abe was seriously the most romantic man i have come across. he says its bc of his parents and he told me he always got advice on how to treat me from his mother. i suppose i am just longing for him. to use his expression "i want to be over you, under you and in you, hubbyman."

this video is one he cried over many times and told me this is how he sees me, how he sees us. please watch.

abe, you're the only thing i need tonight to keep me safe. i will sleep in the same position i always have been with you closer to the door. please, drag me to bed and then be in my dream. i dont ask often but please be in my dream. its only fair.

paranormal coincidence

2009-12-09T00:20:00.000+11:00

i saw the movie today and it impressed me on more than one level. i found that it spoke to my past. now, you wonder what i have to do with hauntings, deamons, spirits and late night shenanigans. i will tell you.

i wont spoil the movie for those who havnt seen it but there are several times where the lead female sleepwalks. i have the most intense goosebumps typing this out. i was a chronic sleepwalker when i was younger, not your average sleepwalker. i almost died several times. both incidents were in the bathroom doing the exact same thing, filling the bathtub and getting in. the first time i just laid in it with the water filling, mum heard, my aunt who lives with us heard and saved me. the second was not exactly the same because i didnt just lie in the bath, i tried to swim! seriously, laps. funny enough but the reality was i was young and asleep unaware of my body taking over. it doesnt stop there.

there was one episode so traumatic to me because i woke up in the middle of a paddock behind my house with mum and tresia (aunt) screaming at me to get inside. now, what was also frightening is the fact that the destination i was set for was my family graveyard. the paddock behind my house ends there and its exactly where i was going. i woke up and only remember the panic and me balling my eyes out. ive done smaller things like peeing in the wrong place, climbing walls etc.

ok im scaring myself now i need to stop blogging.

ill brief you on the demons and spirits past soon but im a bit scared right now. just know that i have played ouija so many times and have felt a spirit grab my ankle.

argh is all i can think of

2009-12-07T10:54:00.000+11:00

this is very honest so if you dont want to read my truth, stop here. it gets intense and real.

there are only so many distractions i can give myself before becomming a little more anxious. today, i woke up in a bought of normality, that is, a rare time in my life where my body clock is working where most people should be. i slept at 12am and woke at 9am, and i am not exhausted for once.

ive had brekkie and am now sitting here with my mind reflecting on things and everytime i reflect on things it normally goes straight to guys/relationships and whatever. this is a bad thing. i dont need to go into another week of depression and anxiety. i dont want it to rule my life but im too sceptical of taking medications or seeing some therapist. sure therapists are nice and understand but i dont feel comfortable telling them my deepest and darkest. i would prefer to take a tablet that changes my personality and keeps me away from it all.

im so very tired of myself and i have given up on myself considering i stopped gym and i ate whatever i wanted which, funnily enough, helped me gain 20 kgs. im trying gym today but i dont really have a motivation other than i should do something to fill my time while uni is on break. my major distraction is music, britney, jeffree, agnes, lady gaga, rihanna mostly. i used britney just after abrahams death just so i wouldnt be tempted to walk onto the highway while i walk to get groceries.

i also become aware that as this is my condition i will not attract any guy, this is my toxic thought right now. im not at all approachable and i have lost my social spark. i used to be so happy out and about going around wollongong partying and having a fuckload of fun with my two best friends. ive lost it. i cant really say i missed that social life but i do miss myself. i miss where i was in december and january last year. i felt attractive and i felt wanted. now, without the support that i had in that time i have started to realise what i have amongst my friends and family now, most of the time im a token gay. the wollongong gay scene doesnt help one bit. they dont like new people it seems. i dont want to fit into any one of their circles because i am not going to sleep with people, i value my virginity. i would rather save it up but because of the gay scene it looks like i never had a choice to begin with.

obviously me and mum

i have one more bone to pick, its abt my mother. i cant describe my relationship with her. love and frustration are the elements that mostly describe what i feel with her. i wanted to note her down because she has compounded the trauma of grief by not being there for me. not just at the start of the year but my whole life. she is a single mother, doesnt work, drinks (during which she talks of her emotions) and expects the world of me, to support her. on january 18th i got news that my boyfriend died (along with his mother) in an intersection in the east of tennessee. i got the message from ray, abe's close friend and therapist. i almost put holes in the wall, screaming intensly and hurting myself without any care. i cant see the screen right now. so, why my mother is integral to this story is that she is the first person i called and cried to, obviously, she couldnt hear what i was saying for 10 mins before i mumbled it in between screams. i was in the house alone and she talked to me, told me not to do anything, but what i really wanted was for her to come up to me. it was only a 1.5 hour drive to me and she didnt bother. i dont know how many readers would actually empathise but it just made the situation more intense. she told me to come home but at that point i couldnt leave, i couldnt talk, i couldnt move. she HAD to come to me, its her fucking job. all of my life she has abandoned me and i am expected to support her. i am expected to work hard and be a bread winner so that she could live comfortably. i say FUCK YOU MUM. when i go home for xmas i wont be thinking "i miss family" i will hang around, drink, then come home and resume my wollongong life.

i am damn pinchable.

santa is very scary tho, like zombie santa.

the next blog will be something quite bipolar. we will see what endorphines the weight training will bring out.

technical virgin?

2009-12-04T01:47:00.000+11:00

interesting story here. ill make it really short and sweet. so, i am always asking myself and re-validating the fact that i am a virgin, but, its not entirely true which is why i question it and have to reassure myself.

gah, i hate giving away the big secret before i tell the rest of the story but it is kinda important. i was 7, meaning 7 total years of age and in second grade if i remember correctly. so its not hard to figure out (followed by a gasp) that i lost my "virginity" at a young age, but i always wonder, was that really what you could call "sex"? the first issue that pops into the mind is "was the other guy far older, a sicko?" i would gladly clear that up and tell you he was the same age as me and it was deff consentual. it makes me a bit fidgity just retelling because i dont think people mostly understand that a person could be so curious at that age and actually go there. i remember feeling it, but, can not think if our bodily functions mimicked that of a grown man, this is where i draw the line and tell myself "i am a virgin." there was a sexual consciousness to the whole thing and i knew exactly what i was doing but i dont think it qualifies because of the lack of physical development.

since this i have not done any sexual thing with anyone. i guess i have developed a lot because i believe in morals such as monogamy and reserving myself for only one person. i treasure my inexperience at this point. i am 21, the years between the event and now has unexpectedly turned out in the healthiest possible way. its like the slate was cleaned.

what do you think, can i validate my claim to virginity?

traditions known: my installation

2009-12-02T01:29:00.000+11:00

Traditions Known, 2009, is a work in progress which is based on an experimention with materials including plaster, flour, tea leaves and raw sugar and an already established foundation of working with basic foodstuff from my childhood. This work is at a point of evolution for me as an artist as I am reaching further into theories of colonisation, of Indigenous experience and most importantly, survival.

The title of the work ‘Traditions Known’ refers to the personal, political and cultural content of the work and traditions known by me personally which are limited to the borders of my youth in a mission on the South Coast. It is implied that what I know in the way of tradition doesn’t extend beyond the borders of mission life, influenced by the Protection Policies including Assimilation. I feel that it should be stated that these policies in our history affects Indigenous peoples now. I represent a contemporary voice that is disconnected from spirituality and is confronted by the culture of homogenised white Australia. I see the personal as the political as it is my right to my Indigenous identity and this work cements the claim.
Post-colonial survival in Australia has been the major influence for my materials and the physical manifestation of my ideas. It is the period of the post-colonial world that has established Australian identities which is so important in defining my identity. My work focuses on food culture as a major influence in our identities and a major influence in our everyday life. The rationing of food underpins the Indigenous experience in Australia and was the basis of survival in Australia as a colonised nation. What is most interesting for me is that this particular food culture colonised the Indigenous diet in many ways. The livelihood in the missions depended on items such as flour, tea and off-cuts of meat which assimilated and integrated into the traditional diets. Indigenous food culture has not impacted so heavily on European culture because of the imbedded Eurocentric views that impacted on settler survival in the Australian landscape.

Through a minimalist aesthetic and a performance ritual I placed the work in a grid like pattern on the floor, which also references earlier weaving works that I have created. The installation is a way of communicating more with less, survival with bare essentials and an environment in which the audience can view one of many contemporary Indigenous experiences.

below: Andrew Farrell Traditions Known (2009). plaster, flour, tea leaves, raw sugar. 160 x 57 cm.

silent side

2009-12-01T11:14:00.000+11:00

ok so i had a random thought towards my own personality, i feel that within my best friend trio i am deff the most quiet. i get along with people ok but my two friends are girls and they are quite different from me and tend to get better responses from people when becoming friends. i mean, they make friends better than i do all the time and it doesnt make me bitter but i just notice it.

i suppose (and im not crying abt prejudice) that it has been a part of being gay, on several levels. back at home i would never be able to make friends like my now best friends do, it wasnt encouraged bc im a boy, that is, to be comforting in ways like hugs or being affectionate to people full stop. i cant really hug people and i cant seem to actually make close friends bc of little things like this and it is also about how that has affected my body language and so on (a chain of events). this closed area of my personality isnt completely lost mind you, i still manage to be affectionate to people i know are welcoming of it, i just cant understand who else out there i can do it to. im worried about boundaries, i am worried about getting myself into a place where i can be physically hurt. i dont wnt to make the wrong mistake and be affectionate towards a guy who beats me up after telling me hes straight. im just so worried all the time.

i suppose i am protecting myself to some extent but im not getting better at making friends no matter what the sexuality unless one person decides that they like, include me and text me once in a while. my poor phone is lonely.

on a side note i took my best friend (who it is no issue to hug) to the airport in sydney to send her off to the UK, my little jayne is going to come bck full of british foods and look like a plump bridget jones. we do this ritual that when we are at the airport, we must spray and check out all of the perfumes (tester bottles) of the big expensive brand names, now i smell like EVERYTHING!

here, have this song my friend. its actually "when your body is talking"

cassie when your body talking

ciara

MySpace Video

washing my hands of a toxic situation.

2009-11-30T04:56:00.000+11:00

ok, this post is another small vent and also a question to my small number of readers who manage to look at my blog. advice is more than welcome.

my friend, bren, is currently dealing with a boy who is infatuated with her. this is generally no issue to me as that is what she is like, femme fatal all the way. but this one, its unhealthy. she is giving out the wrong message no matter how she is dealing with him and no matter what she does she goes about it in a very unhealthy way. her personality and logic are all wrong in this scenario. she says about the infatuation: "hes just a boy, i dont want to hurt him and still be his friend. i wont cheat on my boyfriend and i am never going to leave my boyfriend, but i want to let him down easy" now it might sound reasonable but what i saw the other night alters the meaning of her words.

by letting him down easy she merely means to not do much about it at all. the evidence is that, on wednesday night, she allowed him to take advantage of her submissive nature and that allowed him to sexually harass her. at that point a girl should be resisting but her "nature" says otherwise. she allows it. she knows that it feeds him and still doesnt do anything logical to stop it, yet, relies on those around her to deal. i dont particularly like seeing my best friend being sexually harassed but apparently she doesnt mind...

im not going to be drawn into taking care of her men problems bc that just gets me involved with straights in a level in which shouldnt exist in the first place, her fucking boyfriend should be the one to take care of this stalker, right??? im not going to get involved in the toxic straight games because that just diverts me from what is available out there, meaning MY BIG GAY MAN WHO I WILL LOVE FOREVER : )

opinions?

introduction to conceptual installation art

2009-11-29T04:28:00.000+11:00

well, i have just finished my three years in the field of fine arts at the university of wollongong. my major was in sculpture studio with some extensive and grueling theory on the side, i minored in Aboriginal studies also.

i love sculpture and installation art, it has opened me up to a whole new way to express myself. i have always hated 2d forms such as painting and drawing, they never satisfy me. what i was looking for in art was a mode to express myself that explicitly involved the audiences participation in the work. in my opinion i find that art galleries are so demanding of people in the space, restricting the visitors with guards that oversee the safety of the work and the invisible barrier that buzzes when you are too close to it. it is too uptight, too.... boring.

installation works are more about interpreting a space and giving it a new meaning or, in some cases, drawing out what that space is in itself. it makes us more aware of our environment. i think more people appreciate an art work that is interactive to a certain extent, one that allows you to enter an environment and be affected by what the artist constructs. one amazing artist that i have seen in the last year was Yayoi Kusama, pictured below is her work "fireflies on the water" which i have seen first hand. she is an amazing installation artist and if u ever hear she is exhibiting near you, you musnt miss it.

i also love Andy Goldsworthy and his earth sculptures and installation art. he dominantly uses nature and site specific works which manipulate materials to its extrodinary potential, natural splendor if you will. he is more conserned with the eb and flow of tides, curves and spirals in nature and the impermenancy of his works. below is one of his works with reconstruced icicles, and to think this beauty only lasts for a few hours is ever romantic, dont you think?

what i have worked with in my on installation, to sum it up, is the Indigenous experience of the post-colonial Australian world dealing mainly with diaspora, survival and the subsequent contemporary condition for Aboriginal peoples in this nation. i have taken elements of domesticity (flour, tea, sugar) from Aboriginal reserves and communities bought together by notions of minimalism to construct an installation art work which hopefully will inspire people to break their (non-Indig) perception of Indigenous experiences as fixed within stereotype. a lot of the time i like to experiment with food and alcohol culture and its important contribution to observing cultural histories. thus, i make food art!

this floor work is an extention on my "traditions known" series

what this is is flour, tea and raw sugar in grids, then it has plaster bricks (some covered in bible passages) and a line of sand running through it. what you cant gain from looking at this is the vanilla smell that permiates the air, yes, i used smell as a material for making an artwork, revolutionary right?!?! it could easily turn into a cake and tea if i used it in a defferent way minus the sand and plaster lol.

here have a little peak at Goldswothys works, its so inspiring.

had to vent

2009-11-29T02:48:00.000+11:00

ok so right now i have waited and waited for hours for someone and i am very unimpressed. why make plans and abandon them. its like if a worker turned up late for each day, by now you wouldve fired them.

so what is it that i am venting? the other day i caught my friend online, this is a friend that was there for a lot of the grief i have had, and we talked for about two mins. this is the first time in a long time tht i even contacted him and i was quite excited really. everytime i am online to talk and he is there to talk back (bc i would norm just talk to myself) he ends up saying the same thing, "an appointment came in, sorry" and i bluntly say "lates", and nothing more. just sitting here with the same abandonment but even worse bc he actually promised i would have this time to talk to him and tht he were saving it for me, WRONG.

is it a thing where i have been downgraded to aquaintance? being busy isnt always going to hold as a great excuse to stand me up.

it makes me realise that i have to take yet another "spoon of cement" TO HARDEN THE FUCK UP. happy days.

passing thought

2009-11-28T03:31:00.000+11:00

ok so i just had a good boost to this shit night. my family dropped by after a shit night out on the town and made the night better, they are gone now but i havnt seen any of my family in about half a year. it makes me want to go home and i cant because of a lot of things, but i will eventually. gee they never stop talking so there is never a moment of awkward. which is good.

i have a fuckload of family and its abt time one of the buggers came to my house instead of the other way around. my friends in wollongong made me have an average to crap night out on the town but i can be assured that if family are involved there is no shit night cause if i end up catching up with them, i feel content. im a family boy but not enough to stick around with the bulk of them (which is virtually countless) on the south coast. i need to be near a gay community where i can find the (next) "one" and its all about the logistics of my homo lifestyle and how home on the south coast is nowhere near a good place to find my boy.

luv my cuz annie.

random blog of shit i fucking like, motherf**r

2009-11-27T15:44:00.000+11:00

ok so i was assigned an assessment from this heaps tall guy. he said, loosely, "type about shit you like" but in a more composed way.

right, music. so if you didnt know, i freakin love the stuff. i only love a select bit of music comming from my own itunes lists really and dont listen to radio but i do search far and wide for my faves. right now it would have to be jeffree star. he is so empowering in that he has maintained his image, it takes a fuckload of dedication to be a man like him and to comment on pop culture by making his own brand of pop that cuts the middle man and tells us that we should be annorexic, influencing us to stalk people and commit crimes, i think thts genius and you would be a fool to follow. that is where the genius lies i think, its in the way you view him. i see him as a commentator of hollywood, raw, strong and everything dark that comes with the term "celebrity" whereas the common person could call him freak and fag. i love those planned crazies or, should i say, artists. oh look! there he is below.

photo by Austin Young.

i suppose it is the music that keeps me going daily and i have a very small amount of hobbies that suffice my boredom. another is cookbooks. in all of book world i cant see anything higher than a cookbook. screw novels and academic pieces, cook books are the shit. i cant respect a book if it isnt guiding me through beautiful cultural histories through food and sharing their tips on tastes. i love my ecclectic cookbook collection and i love how people have maintained their daily rituals based on love and sharing by cementing their recipes into books to share with the world. i think its one of the best ways we can look back at cultures, so sentimental and so delicious. genius is the person who invented the cookbook.
im currently waiting on a book to be delivered, its called "cute yummy time" by La Carmina and it has great tips on making japanese bento boxes into anime cartoons that are edible.

i would have to say i love margaret foulton, who, in the 70s, told australia about a handy recipe called a "faggot of fried beans", i kid you not. i own that book!

another thing i am passionate about is not capitalising my words in my blog posts and being absolutly spot on with grammar and stuff but i do like spelling, kinda. i think that if i was to worry too much about it then my writing wouldnt be as fluid and prob rigid and sucky. i mean, it is here for us to blurt stuff out right? no one expects a polished piece of literature that is profound by any means and so long as the mundane is a supportive beam to your writing you can claim it as a "blog" and i think i qualify three times over.

jerry springers "final thought" moment: dont eat that, its stale.

and, obligatory shout out to the "one fine gay" blogger who advised less doom and gloom in blog form.

Profiling Abraham

2009-11-26T06:13:00.000+11:00

the boy that i frequently refer to is Abe, my soulmate that was taken from me in a car crash earlier this year. i suppose that profiling him would have to be inclusive of profiling me! i mean profile as in basic info, such as:

Abe
height: 6ft2
hair: brown
eyes: brown
religious: yes, jewish
hometown: long island, ny
personality/random stuff: intense, protective, strong, persistant, promise keeper, military boy, bouncer, proud gay.

Andee
height: 5ft7
hair: dark brown
eyes: hazel/green
religious: no, slightly spiritualist though. Aboriginal.
hometown: culburra australia
personality/random stuff: soft, humorous, wiz chef, affectionate, creative (sculptor/installation artist), loyal to the bone, family man, pacifist, gay as!

im sure you can gather that we were ultimately the odd couple, but i assure you, there could never be a more intense love. we were lovers that could have lasted a lifetime and to some extent is still here even if he is dead. i suppose what made us different was always fetishised by the other.

can anyone decipher?

2009-11-21T01:55:00.000+11:00

a boy keeps cutting me down. ive tried convo and he says im awesome then when i share anything he cuts it down. there is no reason for him to be nasty. im trying to be nice, what is wrong with him?

its still hard times and boys arent treating me well at all. they either ignore me or cut me down like now. im not going to get a boy-friend any time soon, this is so sad. people make me scared of life.

16th nov 09, still very overwhelming

2009-11-16T06:02:00.000+11:00

today something is going to happen, something sentimental that most are just going to laugh at. i am going to the britney spears consert, and why this is important is that she is the only thing i had going for me once he died. she was always in my ears to try help me not walk into traffic and keep me up-beat so i didnt self harm. now, i am going to her consert tonight. its an intense time for me, it is even worse because i will be going alone, no friend wanted to join me.

tonight is really intense and i cant help but listen to all of the music abe sent me. after a very intense cry with slobby tears and snot i start to reflect. i need him. he told me he would protect me from harm and i am left feeling unhinged and unprotected, mentally and physically. i am going alone to a city where anything can happen, im frightened. 11 months on and time wont help, closure doesnt seem to exist, all i have are boughts of happiness of what we had before he died but its not enough for satisfaction. i wouldnt say i was suicidal but the best thing that could have happened was me getting crushed in that car as well.

i cant function properly and i dont see a time when i will stop crying for a decent period of time. you say it will clear up but i can prove that the wailing will continue, headstrong until death.

off beat day

2009-11-15T21:39:00.000+11:00

i just put a load of laundry on, its 7.27am. that really says a lot. what am i reduced to at the moment? on a side note i love the weather right now and i am sure who ever reads this will think the same, unless they are kill joy's. it is really chilly and crisp at the moment like eating a slightly too chilled leaf of ice berg lettuce. i pulled the recycle bin in and cooked an egg with mushrooms for breakfast.

tonight i didnt sleep, no. i caught sleep yesterday from 5pm to 12.30am and lasted the night talking to catherine, ray and aristides. the lengthy chats lasted till 2.30am and the content was another attempt to piece together my shattered glass known as "emotions." tonight i asked, has anyone said something to you so beautiful and amazing it hurts? i bring this up because it is the answer to that question was what accompanied me to sleep at 5.30pm. one, how does anyone deserve to be told something so beautiful and transcending? secondly, why would it bring tears, pain and discomfort to the physical life? the dialogue in the mind is his voice repeating it over and over.

ray's answer to these questions were summed through his own personal experience and the answer is still to be clarrified. we ended with the universal saying of experiencing light after darkness. i figure this universe owes me millions of rays of light. do you think i deserve this? or am i just another person in this world who hurts? everyone hurts, what compensation have we to claim to this hurt? what compensation do you REALLY deserve?

i booked a hotel room for me and my sister to go to the pcd concert. in the early hours i called her and she was tired. i feel good giving her the ticket and i dont expect any re-embursments. love my sister. i love my boyfriend still, forever. he said he loved how good a brother i was.
if your reading please comment. if u have to use cliche in the comment, reserve your comment lol, i have heard it all. see u laters.

what i miss

2009-11-13T00:36:00.000+11:00

i miss my big guy
i miss my boyfriend
i miss my love
i miss the spring in my step
i miss the life we could have had
i miss saying hubby
i miss making u laugh
i miss having ur emoitons overwhelm me
i miss the times i run home for u
i miss ur grumbling laugh
i miss that yankee accent
i miss ur eyes
i miss ur brick wall like dancing
i miss ur lankyness
i miss ur nose
i miss ur zest for religion and psychology
i miss our avyuin
i miss our favourite emoticon
i miss ur sensitivity
i miss ur d***
i miss that u owned me
i miss the difference i had made to u
i miss holding convo, distracting you so i wasnt easily forced to sleep most nights
i miss constantly fighting myself so i could have you
i miss waking up to your phone calls
i miss lying to you abt u waking me up every morning bc i wanted to spend all waking moments together
i miss the tenderness
i miss the fact u could hunt and take me down if i ever ran away, smotheredness of kisses to boot
i miss ur instincts, stroking the screen because u wanted to touch
i miss your smell, i preserve it in the bottle u sent me
i miss challanging you into deep thoughts
i miss the heat of passion
i miss ur tears for my breakthrough's, whos gonna be proud of me like u were?
i miss the sense of unity
i miss the mood shift from happy to sad just by knowing ur there
i miss ur life and being a part of it
i miss making weird requests including the honey and apples
i miss the test tube incident and how it made you crack up
i miss ur protectiveness
i miss ur mum
i miss that we were to be family, moreso than we already are
i miss sam, whom ive distracted by mooing over the phone. hes an idiot, i love him too.
i miss tht i wont get to meet tommy and ray, and perry. it would have been nice to have a dad figure.
i miss the prospect of impressing ruth in the kitchen, i had a dinner plan already.
i will miss life if i dont move on, he said it to me. he wants the happiness to be in my life.
i miss screwing up so i could pull a puppy face and get my way
i miss the times we almost got caught, the thrill is an adrenaline rush, hmm
i miss ur faith and commitment
i miss disecting all that u said
i miss you disecting all that i said comming up with the most whacked conclusion
i miss saying 'love you' every day of my life knowing ur not around to hear me
i miss crying for good reasons
i miss giving myself up to you
i miss our connection

love, your bashert
i should have left everything for u, Abraham. i stupidly chose where i am right now

un-experience

2009-11-09T23:32:00.000+11:00

i find myself giving advice to a person who has not even seen the tip of the iceberg that is gay-world. i stop and think "huh? how is that possible, i know nothing really." and that is very very true. i feel like "experience" means an extensive list of lovers (term love used very (no extremely) loosely) and a repertoire of sexual positions in a back catalogue of experience. i guess the thing is, why is he asking?

he (will not be named) is in a relationship with a girl who has reconcilled with the fact that he is "bi" and i can safely say the boy is a biiiiiiiig gay. he wants to break up with her but he is morbidly cowardice. the biggest reason he could find to tell me for staying with her was that she had taken his cats and is looking after them. guys reading this im sure ur laughing or at least smirking or coughing "loser" into your fist, because i am. i realise that i have the luxury of being where i am, that is, out! hes gently taking the steps and doing himself a whole deal of harm being in this very strange relationship.

if u wanted to know the girl, she is my ex housemate and "friend" from far back in highschool and i really couldnt see the relationship of this masculine girl and feminine man come together, no, wait...
(straight in reverse?)

thank goodness i know myself so well that i dont allow myself to deal with extra curricular relationships that tell me which gender that i should consumate love with. he has far more limited experience than me but i beg to differ in some respect. lets break it off into personalities...

andee: gay male, slow and steady, ready for a long term relationship, holding off sex for a good boy.

he (hah u thought i woulda given the name): ??? male, promiscuous, cum whore who really is looking for a good bang.

he told me he needed an experienced man and hinted tht maybe i am not the one to talk to, wow, im so sorry tht i am not going out and getting my daily fuck after my morning coffee for research purposes so that my friend could have guidance. i think ill move at my own pace. sex is not just sex, it is a highly personal thing.

i have reclaimed my virginity but i think i always was because of a technicality. interested in the story? maybe in the next blog...

biggest head in the southern hemisphere!!!!

humiliated.

2009-10-23T02:04:00.000+11:00

as i am writing this i am teary. i didnt know i was that bad looking.

i went out to have fun tonight. i didnt know i would be humiliated in front of the whole of the wollognong queer scene. it hurts to feel this way and i am very unsure if i will ever find a guy to protect me from this.

it ws simple enough, i went out to a nightclub mainly to dance and i suddenly get dragged into this match making game. i was to ask some guys questions and to pick the best for a potential date. i asked some fun questions like, what kind of music do you like? if you were to massage me, where would you do it? and another i forgot. i was having fun and i picked number 2. he said something along the lines of he likes lady gaga and massaging inner thighs.

attractive enough right?

once i picked him, i got the prize of a dinner for two and he immediately said he had someone. if he did why would he play? its because im not at all something he would like. my friends captured this whole thing on a phone, my humiliation is cemented.

i got turned down and i am very sure it is because of the way i look.

it is too hard to be gay. i love the way i am but if it means i have to be a part of this, i dont want this. i am too fragile. i just suffered the loss of my boy. im just so hurt that i would rather rot away than put myself out there again.

racism: small rant.

2009-10-21T06:15:00.000+11:00

first of all, i must discuss my identity as a preamble to this as for most people it is a neccesary element to my view. fair enough. i am Indigenous Australian, Aboriginal. i am also a gay man. i may not look particularly "stereotype" but trust me, my cultural history and beliefs are that of a contemporary mission based brood.

as an Indigenous person, or any person outside of the hegemonic white sphere, i have to battle some very unneccesary battles. it is a huge waste of time to go onto youtube where people openly
(insert minority) bash. i dont care what minority it is really and i will always maintain a view that tried to decolonise, be empathetic and even try my best not to reverse the discrimination.

does the internet give people strength, no, but it sure can break some heartstrings. i hear comments about Aboriginal people in passing and even gay comments more frequently. people are so afraid of me. i am not lurking behind your house in the bushes waiting to morally corrupt your way of life and overtake you so why maintain that authoritive look at the world?

fight discrimination, and be sure i am there with you.

gay friends, why i need more: RANT

2009-10-19T17:35:00.000+11:00

what i wanted to rant about in this post has something to do with having more friends, more specifically, queer/gay/whatever alternate lifestyle friends. this is just a few reasons why i dont have many and why i need a few, get my drift?
i am lacking in gay friend's for a few reasons. the smallest and most daunting part is wondering if i will try to change friendship into friendship with benifits. i dont like the fact that i could be very capable of that.
here is a little event where i totally miss the plot. i recieved a telegram from yonder that was lost in the mail just yesterday. sarah told me i broke a gay man's little gay heart one night out. and what really went on was a friendly little game i call manipulation, more to do with girl world than anything, *Regina George punched me in the face... it was awesome.* so back to the situ. i was drunk and very generous with my box of alcohol. i didnt manage to see a boy hanging around expecting those pending kisses. yes i feel guilty, but i am blocking that info in my mind as i am presently dealing with my own personal problems. but bless his little gay heart anyways. but maybe alcohol is the problem in that situation.
obtaining a male friend, a close one, who wouldnt cross the boundary, is something i would like to achieve. it seems hard with my track record. and i cant believe those people (in the past) who asked/assumed that i was attracted to my male friends when i obtained one or two. cant i just have a friend without being investigated for friendship incest? its worse enough that there was speculation of faculty incest (a term coined by sarah) last year.
why do i need one? thats simple. i am drowning in a barrel of straight people. straight female people, ones with boobs and stuff. even straight guys are just shit because of the situation i mentioned above. dont get me wrong straight people u are alright, i like you, but i want a queer friend, not just queer friendly friends. maybe a stocky tall butch guy that also likes to plait hair and dip into the art of lip gloss on occassion. i always had respect for those transgendered, drag queens (and miscellaneous) men. i respect them yet i havent obtained them as friends probably from the ozzing straightness from dancing with my straight girls where i am commonly percieved as straight.

ill make a gay friend application form someday, or just see wat happens during queer collective this year, maybe some friendships will be forged in stone, i dunno.
that is my rant!
laters
p.s. love me, hate me, say what you want about me but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek amy.

strange sleeper

2009-10-19T17:27:00.000+11:00

today i woke at 6.35. if you know me it doesnt happen so often as i wake normally at 3pm (thats the average). last night i took two glorious pills that made me unwind, and yes, they are prescribed. this morning is not just a rare waking moment, it means so much more.
i have had a very unhealthy sleeping pattern for years now and it has been the worry of a lot of people around me. everybody has their quirk, mine is that i can last through the early hours easier than most and without a redbull. the history of why my sleeping is so terrible is actually a personal thing only reserved for the people i want to confide in. everyone is entitled to their secrets. my character is defined by the permanent smear of darkness in the creves between my eye and nose running under my eyelid dotted with age. if those could tell a story...
today, waking up early is somewhat a signifier of more than just a good nights rest. it is a positive outlook in that i can recover from the past and the nightly unrest. if i physically and emotionally choose to resume a normal sleeping pattern i know that with determination i would no longer have a zombie like disposition throughout the day. i could live in the daylight and reduce the stress on my mind and body. to adjust is to change my lifestyle. imagine if i were more aware of things around me and the clarity it could bring. i might even reach some better uni marks and have a small margin of achievenment moreso than i already have, hopefully 10% more lol.
alas, the emotional life is a hard and evil diversion to my slumber. if i werent so continually stressed in this life i would no longer say good morning at 3.30pm.
p.s. if ur reading all the notes and wonder where the fuck i pull all the writing from, it is not really uncommon for me, i have something like 47 blogs in myspace.
i will leave you with something totally unrelated to this blog, but cute none the less.

nawwwww

mr and mr weis.

2009-10-19T05:33:00.001+11:00

this clip is the ultimate in supplying the undersatnding of the way in which we worked, this is for ppl trying to understand how the relationship between abraham and i worked. this is an old blog from myspace i wrote a while ago. so load the vid, otherwise, the writing is null and void.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0E_fjT3ZMc

this is such a strong sentiment to what was going on in my world. the ambition of love, the want and the need is so embedded in this clip. i really was astonished at the power of dialogue and the associative emotions to words and such. it clarified so much by the men's gesture's and the power of feeling, that is, feeling that can affect even without the physical side of love. it is wanting and desire, belief and communication that can hold everything together.

in this clip the guys are in a natzi military camp, noting some past prevelance for my man i am sure because he is jewish. i cant quite explain but it is as if this were appropriated in our life. it underpins the modes of expression and visual landscape of distance and closeness which is astounding to me. that i can feel my guy, even if detatched, it is like some things in this world are born in seperation but somehow it is the closest and most conected thing that can happen. it is translated through an environment that deprives of the intimacy, yet the minds manage to throroughly effect via this 'want.'

i hope you could appreciate gestures like this.

the situ

2009-10-19T05:30:00.000+11:00

i wanted all to know this about me instead of me shocking them when it comes time to tell them why my life is turbulent at best, why my attitude is blunt and bitter, understand this is a serious and brutal reality for me. so here it goes.

my boyfriend/hubbyman/bestfriend/soulmate and bashert has died

Abraham Allan Weis (june 6th 1988-january 18th 2009)

without any hessitation i would tell you this man was the love of my life, a car crash took him away from me. i will not tell you details. but one haunting and beautiful fact is during his passing, my name was the last he had screamed, he wanted me there, he wanted to live for me. understand that we have had this relationship over 10 months and it felt like i was set in life, that i had found the one for me. i was to go over to the USA to live with him for a while.

our goals and aspirations were crushed because of his passing, i have lost a significant part of my life and i feel numb and emotionally destroyed. sure i have a smile, but i smile because he wanted me to smile. my biggest supporter was Abraham. he would work himself to the bone for me, to buy that ticket to meet me in sydney late may this year. our first date was set in concrete, we were going to the pcd consert in sydney, the extra ticket now stands a testimant to what i cant have.

we were even going to wear blue and yellow in meeting at the airport (an idea he wanted to filfil of mine). cute huh. things like this are small gestures that clarify his love for me. we should have been the sickly in love type of couple, never afraid of our intimacy. what we have shared as a couple is beyond my expectations in what it is to be in a relationship. i could not believe the man i had, i worshiped him for all he is and i just wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life.... and i did, a short lived life, but i am pleased to have dedicated myself to him. i would move continents to be his and to just rest my hand on his chest in the midst of sleep to let him know he wasnt alone.
so please, do not make me repeat and re-live or re-tell this in a social situation
i have had all that could be said to me, said.
i know how to be strong, i have had a rough life, so dont underestimate me. i can cope.
i will cry and mourn for the rest of my life, understand that as a fact.

this song was the last anniversary message i ever got, our 10th

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=egA17G_2cIM

god i miss you

recipe for the perfect man (gay)

2009-10-19T05:26:00.000+11:00

i have in the past encountered some of the things that constitute a good man, one to be in love with and one to keep forever. after social experiments (falling and being in love) and field work, i have concluded this as my perefect man. this is purely biased but glorious.

what you will need (in a man):
1. dedication.
2. induvidual strength.
3. a willingness to change, and remain the same.
4. be ready to personally challange your insecurities.
5. emotional and physical satisfaction.
6. empathy and selflessness
7. radar, no games.

method:

1. dedication can sometimes be a sacrifice. for example, if a man sacrifices simple things such as time just to be with you (assuming you are as well to him) then you will automatically gain the knowledge you are not taking him for granted. he will wake up that little bit earlier for you, sleep a little later after you fall asleep, and things such as this should be relitively consistant. if the man gives you a ring after numbers 2 to 7 you will also know, through its symbolism, that his entire dedication will fully reveal itself as "true dedication."

2. this man must have a strong sense of self. logistically he needs to know who he is and what kind of direction in life he is going. to involve you into this is a fundamental aspect of forming the relationship with him. induvidual strength can mean anything from security in identity traits such as sexuality, culture/religion and personality. to have his own independence means he is structurally sound, he is right for you.

3. from single to taken, the difference between being an "us" instead of an "i." your man will have to change his life path considerably to fit you in his life. change is a natural element of life. some changes that may occur are moving in with him which will reveal wether you are right together in an everyday setting. you may also observe your man sharing the same aspirations and personal goals in life that you have (eg children and pets). yes he may change, but do not take from your mind the traits of ingredient number 2, his personality and singular existance that you were so attracted to in the first place.

4. there has to be a sense of unity in your relationship, if you do not know (over a few years) most or all of your man's insecurities from the past and in the present and vice versa, you do not have your perfect man. a perfect man has scars, be prepared for that. this is where many tears and beautiful revelations about life can occur. if he confides in you, then you know you have his complete trust, it is another test of dedication, but it is not expicitly linked to being dedicated i.e. do not think that if he holds back an insecurity of his that he is not dedicated, it may be due to timing factors etc. be patient, be a shoulder to cry on and never forget a tissue and expect salt water tasting hugs.

5. of course, we get to sex. it is the fun portion of this recipe. whereas other parts of life in a relationship are emotionally dense. you should consider sex as both personal fulfilment and a chance to worship him by giving him various physical sensations. u know this man is for you if this portion of life is established as "making love" before it is called a "sexual act." sure in the begining it is fun, exciting and new, but once love making is reached, you know the recipe is going right. worship his pee pee and yes, if u feel the need, use a condom. and always ask about his sexual history, it isnt rude, it is a medical must. make a note of his desires and fulfil them one by one, as he should to yours. be sure to throw in a lot of dates beforehand, dont be a fucking hussie!!!

6. this is very simple. if encountering troubles he will always look at it through your perspective and try to work through it with you. each partner must be a safe place for the other, no continual emotional beating. the man that will place you before him is the one to have, the one to keep come hell or high water. if he is less than this you will see how genuine your relationship is NOT. your man, THE MAN, can keep your secrets and love you no less than before that secret was told.

7. after the love games of 1-6, number 7 refers to the excessive games that are placed on love. unfaithfulness should never be tollerated by you, if you feel so insecure you try your hardest to be in this relationship even with the continual games then you, in fact, are a weak person to sustain a relationship with. you probably should do a lot of internal searching to gain similar traits of that man you want to love. be on the lookout for signs too, he should be wary of your mood and you his. eliminate any games so u can get to the higher more mature state of love, a complete love.

my perfect man was my Abe

hello there.

2009-10-19T04:19:00.001+11:00

hi readers.

i just thought it was about time i started an official blogging page. i have been writing blogs very addictively for the last 11 months on facebook now and i think its time to consumate the relationship i have with my online diary of sorts.

the theme of my blog is to open up some of my thoughts like many others here have done. it is gay themed so if you are not interested i suppose you dont have to read further. for those who wish to read, i will be discussing the gay lifestyle in a freestyle fashion, talking about whatever when ever it happens. most likely i will be talking about gay relationships on many levels.

one thing i suppose people should be exposed to is that i will be writing about a man by the name of Abraham (Abe). i lost him, my boyfriend, in a car accident around the same time of my blogging addiction and a lot of my blogs are about overcomming the emotional and physical obstacles that have occured. i am now 10 months into the grieving process and shall continue to find more about myself to write down.

hopefully, i will gain a lot of friends, a lot of amazing chats and a lot of followers that may learn from the issues i have faced.

i will be copy pasting some blogs to show you what i am made of. i hope you smile and cry and sigh.

p.s. my nickname is Pants so there is the overall theme of why my blog is titled as such lol.

yeah thats me.